Sanctuary by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal)  writing as Anonymous46
- Two young boys seek an escape from the horrors of the world around them. - Short, Action, Drama

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https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/k-ross/sanctuary-more-than-a-short-film

Criteria met on action and the trading cards.

I think this is a decently written piece by a very capable writer. But turning the boys into bank robbers (and attempted cop killers) don’t make them very sympathetic despite how their fathers treated them.

I think you tried to disguise the fact that the young Clint and Johnny turned into the bank robbers by not using FLASHBACK to open their scenes.  That’s a bit of a cheat and I don’t think it really accomplishes anything. I probably would have felt better about you using the flashback designation and then weaving the stories together a little better. As it stands, there’s not really a twist or surprise. The card also really never factors into the story other than to try and force a connection onto the two boys.  But since neither of them ever used the card and left it to basically deteriorate in the church, was there really any meaning in the card itself?

While writing is very good here, I just didn’t necessarily buy into the storyline.

Best of luck,
Gary

Good... at last... first decent action script I've read so far. Nice opening. It's 5 pages, so you start with action, right? Right! Then we dive into the story.

I like Clint... he's a good kid. Tough if you fuck with him, but your loyal friend otherwise.

Code GUNMAN No. Take me to the church.

This is a moment... milk it.

GUNMAN
No.

Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror.

GUNMAN
The church.

Code The Driver, Older Johnny, drops the dying Gunman, Older Clint, onto a pew.

Unnecessary. We get it!

OK. I'd have liked to see the kid kill the father. This was good. Lots of action and a nice fast flow. Well done.

This was written well enough and meets the challenge, no sweat. The 'twist' was an obvious turn for me. No real surprise. The boys, talking about good being out there, were little creeps and I didn't care for them much. Dialog was a bit sappy in places but there were some good lines to be had too.

For some reason, I envisioned this with their childhood in the 1920's and young adults in late 1930's. Driving big Packards, shooting revolvers and the cops with Thompsons. I don't know why, it just showed up in my head that way.

Nice job here, writer.

Well written and I really like the premise - good job here.

Yes! You started right in the thick of it on page 1,  which I think a decent Action script should do.  Or, at least start with only a short build up when it's a five minute Short.

The 'older' bit flummoxed me at first and I wasn't sure who was who. I do think more clarity is needed in the writing there.

Most of your action descriptions were pretty good but some I thought needed ramping up, case in point:

The Driver pours on the speed. The car drifts with every
bump, barely maintaining contact with the road.

Pours? It's okay, but you want verbs that jump with your action, imh.
The Driver accelerates
Driver plants his foot on the gas, hits the gas, guns it, cranks it, ...
The Car blasts through an intersection,
'drifts' is too sedate a word for action, in my world.

Barely maintaining ? Again, too laboured.
Perhaps the car clips something, hits a bump, becomes airborne.

Just suggestions. Yours resonated, made me feel it more cause it's got heart combined with action.

I'm torn with them ultimately being bad guys but it's all in the upbringing I suppose.  

Nice job.

Yeah this is pretty good but needs to establish early that it’s two different years. It’s very similar to the end of the It novel when the Losers are in the sewers, flitting back and forth.

Prolly just have the year when they are kids then in the future bits again show the year and say Clint (now 30) or whatever   Then just have the current year in the slug or as a mini slug  

Would be so much cleaner to read   As it is I was skimming and didn’t click what the go was for a tick lol

Agree with JE about making a period piece too, in both timelines. The card?  Will re-read it to see its tokenly whacked in

Hi writer,

Not sure why you went with Gunman and Driver, it's pretty easy to piece together early on what’s going on. It's not really a secret. I say name them and do a flashback.

Quoted Text The Driver, Older Johnny

I think what I suggested is a better way to handle this, then when you come to this part you aren’t dealing with awkward names like Older Johnny.

Quoted Text A bullet shatters the cross, shot from the Police outside.

Could be written better.

The dialogue on page 5 is a little too sappy for me, and the OLDER JOHNNY/OLDER CLINT just doesn’t look good on the page.

Quoted Text OLDER CLINT It gave me hope -- for the world, you know? There’s good out there.

A bit ironic (I think that's the right word) as these guys aren’t actually good, good to each other, but not good.

Writing is top notch, I just think a few changes could make it cleaner. Story wasn’t bad, better than most I've read. The page 5 lovefest dialogue was just too much for me.

All the best.

Hello writer

Why no flashback's for this? Maybe you thought it would give the story away too early - maybe it would for someone reading the script, but a viewer wouldn't see FLASHBACK, they would just see the scene.
The flashback would be for the producer, so it is crystal clear - just my opinion.

Same thing with the characters DRIVER and GUNMAN - the producer needs to know who these characters are from the start, revealing their names early in the script would not reveal them early to the viewer, so would keep that story element alive.... or I could be wrong, who knows.

Writing is great, story is great - thoroughly enjoyable read. I think as a movie it would be pretty damn good too.

Dialogue at the end is a bit too gushy for my liking - but you put their friendship across very well and the final image of them together was very fitting.

Top job writer

Excellent.

Sanctuary

The boys speak a bit too premature.

top p3 I think I know where it's going :-)
now it comes to the 'how'

All right. Lots to say here…
First, it reminded me a lot of The Way of the Gun. Two friends, a criminal history, a late firework, and eventually some pathos in their united fate when reflecting life before it all ends.

Truly great. I even like the 'cheesy' dialogue in the last scene, felt human and fit well considering these people's arc ending soon at this place with the inevitable; epic needs epic. Thumbs up.

I can understand that you haven't marked the flashbacks. I'd wish it would become state of the art because it's just a better, more enjoyable story experience to follow the plot exactly as the audience does. So, why not leave it to the shooting draft and production side to include such stuff. I absolutely understand your decision here and applaud you for it.

It had a lot of heart. The execution felt like custom-tailored.

Like title and logline.

LOVE your character development... best I've read yet in this challenge. The two boys remind me of the boys in the movie MUD. Dialogue sounds so natural and organic the way you've set them up. Really nice work.

Wow and that moment when the Gunman says take me to the church... hits us like a COLLISION. Great midpoint!

And then we realize it's their older selves we are watching OMG this is amazing.

OH super wow... I wish I could write like this! GREAT job.

Great script, loved it.

I didn’t like this one.  In the beginning it seemed good but by the end I didn’t like it.  It meets the criteria.

Holy misleading time-jumps, Batman! Clever setup. The church and the trading card both get some attention, and it's definitely an action script, so no problems with the criteria. That's especially impressive since you don't seem to know anything about baseball.
The kids sound like teens to me, but maybe kids are just growing faster these days. Get off my lawn
You shouldn't change the labels for character dialouge just because we've finally learned their names. Seems to be acceptable if a character was in disguise, but in your case I would have continued calling them GUNMAN and DRIVER. They are distinct from CLINT and JOHNNY since the kids would be played by different actors.
Also, "Older Clint" implies an elderly man. "Adult Clint" would be clearer.
Nice way to cram a lot of story into five pages... despite there being a lot of action.