The Piano Player by Hura Hill - Series, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A musician is given a magical piano by a woman from New Orleans. Jonathan Quince is able to travel back in time, playing the right keys. He plays with musical icons as he looks for the woman's father.  59 pages

Synopsis - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This is a curious script. I’m not sure what to make of it. The story is rather solid. The forced drug addiction made me squeamish.  The parade of musical celebrities gave it the feel of a docudrama. The dialog and the characters give it a film noir feel. I could hear a jazz saxophone playing in the background from the flashback at the top of page two all the way to the end.

What I found odd is that your left margin on all of your non-dialog text is a half-inch too far to the right. According to the file header, you wrote this with Final Draft 10. That leads me to believe that you may have set the margin that way deliberately; perhaps to create a bigger binding edge on the page or to print it on a narrow piece of paper. If the margin setting is deliberate, ignore me. If it’s by accident, look into setting it correctly. It should be at 1.5 inches and not at two inches.

There are a couple of composition errors, in my opinion. It’s possible that you are accomplished and used to doing things your own way. If you are, please ignore me as I make a fool of myself again. If not, I have a couple of suggestions that will help you get this produced.

You need to streamline some of your slug lines. Your first one will turn off a producer immediately. It should be: EXT. NEW ORLEANS – BOURBON STREET – NIGHT and that’s it. Bourbon Street is in the French quarter (as far as I know). 2 AM should be pointed out in the scene description. A nicely worded scene description would not only point out that it’s 2 AM but would set the mood. Describe the scene.  Does moisture glisten off the sidewalks and street? Is it foggy? Does music play in the background? All we have is that it’s a crowded street. A good slug line tells the director where and when to start the camera. Just don't go overboard but at the same time, put us there. Things that set the mood like the time at night is in the scene description in the action text. It makes it read faster. The faster someone reads your story, the less likely they will put it down halfway through.

There are a number of spelling mistakes. You need to go through this a few more times, slowly. Some of the spelling mistakes are words that are spelled correctly but are the wrong word.  Also, there are sentences that are missing words. For instance, halfway down the page on page nine, you start a sentence with, “IN A INSTANCE,…â€� which should be “In an instant, …â€�. I don’t know why that is in ALL CAPS or why it is in italics. If you are accomplished, you can get away with this. Otherwise, it’s distracting.

Also, in the same line, you have, “Jonathan is the studio with WHITNEY.� It should read, “Jonathan is in the studio with WHITNEY.� I don’t know why Whitney is in italics.

The accompanying synopsis is a nice touch. It reads really well. The picture is perfect.

Anyway, I enjoyed the story. It has bit of a Twilight Zone feel to it. I think it will make a nice series if polished. In its current form, this will be a tough sell unless you are connected or accomplished.
Good luck.

Dear Hura,
it's an interesting twist on Sparky the magic piano -  a sort of keyboard version of Bill & Ted's Adventures. . . I'm guessing you are also a musician, as there is this vibe of your fingers falling right onto the greatest groove.
I enjoyed your SP but for me it needs a bit more sub-plotting. The discovery of the right chords was a little too easy. Maybe to time travel there should be a few more motifs - smoke, a glass of wine or a spotlight illuminating - You could really have fun with the more Jazzers. Weren't they ALL into drugs (and how they could play so well on them is beyond me!)
The sordid underbelly of the backstreet musical world does feature characters like Mr Smoke but he came across as contrived. If he were mishandling a stable of musicians all attempting to find the lost sequence that might play better (geddit!!?)
Also I think the forwards passage of time for the return journey creates problems in itself so part of the magic could be that if you return its a day later. A long coda into a rallentando
All best JtF

Thank you for the review, I'm not familiar with  'Sparky the magic Piano'.  I'm gonna look that up. And thank you for your p.o.v.