Monstrous by Colin Sharp - Series, Horror - After a teenage girl is brutally murdered, a haunted detective pursues his prime suspect only to uncover a malevolent force far darker than the crime itself. 52 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Dear Colin,
aahh, the Rule of three as John gets it! Do you think you need a SUPER of the date? though midi dress, Mondeo man and a 99p sandwich hint at yesteryear.
Az has you sussed Mike, you tealeaf!!
MIKE
Were you able to see into that
(points to Sasha's window)
window, at that time? -- It's upstairs so how?!!
P14 still no mention of a full moon . . . .
P21 - wot  place for a typo!!
MIKE
After last night's shit, I was
shirty with the Mrs. Won't be long.   !!!!
P30. Don't overwrite Mrs Shelly. We've got the gist of posession and you are leading us.
P33 -- MIKE
Ok. Ready to squat this bastard...
Ma'am.                                             squash or swat ?? Solitary Padded cell surely?

The demon did it !!

Is there space for a tad more Oujia board foreshadow? I realise you are writing to ad breaks.
Great stuff. All best --

Colin, I read to the title sequence.

Obviously a Brit here, correct?  Nothing wrong with that, but for me, not being a Brit, the dialogue is a bit difficult to deal with, as it's so loaded with Brit slangs.

So, listen, what you've got here held my attention and I may go back and continue on.  There's a creepy vibe here that works well.  John listening to Sasha's call behind the door is good, as it adds to the creep factor.

Some issues that I know will persist...

Slugs - Not great by any means.  "GIRL'S BEDROOM" - Isn't this Sasha's Bedroom?  "FRONT DOOR OF HOUSE" - No!  Poor.  "STAIRS/LANDING" - Although nothing actually wrong with this one, the issue is that a "landing" is part of the stairs, not the top where rooms would be.  "INTERCUT" - No, doesn't work like this.  "LANDING" - NO - again, the landing is not the top of the stairs - it's a flat area when stairs take a turn.  "HOUSE/PORCH" - No - This is the Russell House, right?  There's your Slug.  Using "PORCH" within your Slug is fine, but again, all the action isn't taking place on the porch, and at the end of the scene, you go to "WIDE SHOT", but that's not a Slug, so you can't show the entire house, unless you use a new Slug.

Writing - There are issues throughout.  Page 1 - "A SEMI-DETACHED HOUSE STANDS ALONE." - Not a good way to get started.  Why is this al CAPPED?  What is a "semi-attached house"?  What's it attached to?  How can it "stand alone" if it's semi-attached to something?  Writing is very passive at times and stands out every time.  Try not using "is", as it makes the line passive.  A few unnecessary asides.  Several times you use "we", "we're", etc.  Sure, you can do this is you want, and at times, it can be effective, but not here the way you've done it.  Page 3 has 2 POV's, both incorrectly formatted.

But, even with all that, as I said, the core of what's here in the 1st 6 pages shows promise and kept me reading and engaged, so good on that.

Hope this helps and good luck with this.

Hey JtF,

Thanks for the read!

It's not suppose to be set in the past, so maybe I should just remove the make of car etc - though, I do see a fair few Mondeo's still driving by

Need to change that Mike dialogue to: "Could you see in to that window at all?" - Good shout.

"shirty with the Mrs" - that needs to be "shirty with the missus". Classic Colin stuff, there

The Mrs. Shelley scene — hmmm. I was aiming for something that blended a police investigation with a touch of creepiness. I might need to tone it down a bit, especially the part with the animal noises.

P33 is swat - I need to get my brain fixed!!

So, the Ouija board becomes more significant in later episodes, but I chose to keep it mysterious in the first, for better or worse

Thanks so much for taking the team to read and comment!

Hey Dreamscale of the Ancients

Thanks for reading the teaser!

So, among your critique, you included some positives, which is encouraging, so really appreciate that.

Sluglines - man, I’ve always found those a struggle. I try to keep them as simple as possible, but I feel I have trouble keeping them consistent.

I went with GIRL’S BEDROOM because I didn’t want to call it SASHA’S BEDROOM before she was introduced, and then I had to stick with GIRL’S BEDROOM for consistency. For better or worse

FRONT DOOR OF HOUSE - really sucks. Again, what was I thinking!

You know, given your feedback, I’m thinking I should just stick to INT. HOUSE or EXT. HOUSE and mention the rooms in the action lines, along with “LATER,� to avoid creating unnecessary slugs - especially awkward ones like STAIRS/LANDING. It would also remove that intercut - you're right, thats wrong. Phone calls only, really.

"Semi-detached" - seriously, i don't know why I've labelled the house semi-detached. I'm not even visualising it as semi-detached. WTF.

I use caps at the beginning and end of my scripts because I feel it adds a bit of impact - it might be a silly choice, but it’s my style. And I want to keep my style.

WIDE SHOT - I disagree. We're not changing location or time of day and I just want to look from afar in my narrative.

Writing is very passive at times - well, I hope this was only on a few occasions as I’ve re-written this so many, many times to avoid passivity that if it still is, I’m well and truly … f*cked.

On formatting in general - probably like yourself, I’ve read hundreds of professional and spec screenplays. They all seem to have their own way of handling things like POV shots, phone conversations, intercuts, and so on. So, in my mind, there’s no absolute right or wrong way, just different perceptions. It’s an interesting discussion for another day, perhaps...

Well it would be great if you did chose to read on. Yes, you won't hold back with your fb but the points you've made about the teaser has persuaded me to re structure it - that opening has to be as bang on as poss!

Iv'e written all 6 episodes to this - pity the fool.

Quoted from ColinS   Sluglines - man, I’ve always found those a struggle. I try to keep them as simple as possible, but I feel I have trouble keeping them consistent.

Colin, I highly recommend not keeping your Slugs "simple" - keep them 100% accurate and correct.  The more visually detailed you can make them, the easier we can "see" exactly what you want us to.  And, CONSISTENCY is a must!!

Quoted from ColinS I went with GIRL’S BEDROOM because I didn’t want to call it SASHA’S BEDROOM before she was introduced, and then I had to stick with GIRL’S BEDROOM for consistency. For better or worse

You should not worry about whether a person has been intro'd yet, as the Slug can't change and it is "SASHA'S BEDROOM".

Quoted from ColinS FRONT DOOR OF HOUSE - really sucks. Again, what was I thinking!

Actually, it's funny, as peeps do this all the time, thinking, "well, they're at the front door, so why not just call it "FRONT DOOR".  I like using "INT. ENTRYWAY", "INT. FRONT HALL".  Something like that, but if it's outside, then, EXT. FRONT PORCH, something that way.

Quoted from ColinS You know, given your feedback, I’m thinking I should just stick to INT. HOUSE or EXT. HOUSE and mention the rooms in the action lines, along with “LATER,� to avoid creating unnecessary slugs - especially awkward ones like STAIRS/LANDING.

No, I wouldn't advise that.  All Rooms need to be Slugs, if that's where we are.  Don't worry about using Slugs whenever you need one, as they're 100% necessary for your readers, as well as anyone involved if this would be shot.

quote=ColinS]It would also remove that intercut - you're right, thats wrong. Phone calls only, really.[/quote]

Yeah, I think you were attempting to go back and forth between 2 scenes, and I think INTERCUT may be appropriate, but not quite like you did it.  BUT, I HIGHLY advise not to use these, as it's so easy to mess the whole thing up, leave a scene you're inter-cutting between, forget to end the INTERCUT, etc.  To me, they are not worth the hassle, but many writers use them - mostly incorrectly.

Quoted from ColinS I use caps at the beginning and end of my scripts because I feel it adds a bit of impact - it might be a silly choice, but it’s my style. And I want to keep my style.

So, I get what you're saying completely and you need to do you and be you, but using all CAPS either works or it doesn't work, depending on how and where you're doing it.  For instance, LOUD NOISES and EFFECTS should be CAPPED, but when you CAP something just cuz, it often has the opposite effect you're going for, as in it can come off as cheesy, dumb, or just unnecessary.

Quoted from ColinS WIDE SHOT - I disagree. We're not changing location or time of day and I just want to look from afar in my narrative.

I get you.  Obviously, using WIDE SHOT is totally directing the shot, and in no way am I saying you can't throw in some direction, but there are less abrasive ways to do it - if you think it's really necessary.

Quoted from ColinS Writing is very passive at times - well, I hope this was only on a few occasions as I’ve re-written this so many, many times to avoid passivity that if it still is, I’m well and truly … f*cked.

I guess this is something that is difficult for a lot of writers, many who are coming from a prose background.  You just want to keep your actions and verbs "active" as apposed to "passive".

He runs.  He is running.  He is watching her.  He watches her.  The active lines always read and sound better.

Quoted from ColinS On formatting in general - probably like yourself, I’ve read hundreds of professional and spec screenplays. They all seem to have their own way of handling things like POV shots, phone conversations, intercuts, and so on. So, in my mind, there’s no absolute right or wrong way, just different perceptions. It’s an interesting discussion for another day, perhaps...

Definitely, and in reality, there are numerous ways for this and that, but sometimes, the "usual" way someone writes a passage/scene/whatever isn't going to work because of this or that.

Think about FLASHBACKS.  I'm sure you've seen peeps use multiple ways to show this, and if the FLASHBACK is a single passage in a single scene, almost any of those ways will work just fine, but, what about when you have many different scenes in your FLASHBACK?  Different locales, different time elements, different characters.  When that's the case, there's really only 1 way that will be correct, and that's by using BEGIN FLASHBACK, and then when the flashback is over, you have to tell us, by using END FLASHBACK, which is why I do it this way EVERY SINGLE TIME, so I never fuck it up.  Same goes for all these kinds of things -  if you think it all out and make things as difficult as you can, you'll find that there's usually only 1 way that will hold true for every example.

You have a solid foundation here, Colin, so just make it shine, Brother!!

Thanks Dreamscale for your further wisdom and time on this.

And ... Whatcha gonna do when Dreamscale-mania runs wild on your script, brother?!

Hope you know what I'm going on about, lol  

This story piqued my interest early. I didn't find anything to comment on that hasn't already been said. I appreciate that the violent nature of the crime was made clear without being overly graphic. I don't know anything about European standards, but this show seemed fit for American broadcast television.

I prefer to avoid camera direction. I think that it's telling a director how to do their job and limiting their creative input. It could be a turn off to a producer looking for a project.

I had never heard of a Ford Mondeo before and looked it up. I learned something new. Anyway, my preference is to avoid naming products by name unless it's essential to the story. I think it leaves open the possibility of product placement to help pay for production.

Just my two cents.

Thank you D.A for reading - always appreciated.

Didn't think I had camera direction - appreciate that we follow characters through certain passages. I'll have a good look through

Hi, Colin, just a couple quick thoughts…

Lots to like here. As a viewer think I would tune in for Episode 2 - curious to see where some of this is going, hoping to be surprised….

p. 12 – Liked the alternating views of the camera flashes – illuminating the girl's body first, and then illuminating Mike's face.

p. 15 – Liked how "Jesus seemingly looks right at" Rev. Styles, and then later, p. 27, you have "one of the demonic portraits… staring back at" Scott Michaels. The good and the evil spiritual forces, communicating with their human vehicles preparatory to the upcoming head-on?

Liked your detective anti-hero Mike. Changing the sandwich price tag (thought he might get caught), anger management issues with his wife... and for some as-of-yet unclear reason won't report to his superior. Not sure why he hasn't been fired or demoted for brazen insubordination, though. Guess Sullivan's either soft, or just forgiving in view of something that happened in the past?

Do mostly like the way he interacts with John. E.g. his sarcastic recap of John's story on p. 36, wherein the actual killer supposedly committed the crime "and then dragged you into the girl's room while you were still unconscious" and "fled the scene." Which is of course close to what did happen in a way….

A really troubled guy, anyhow, so is he even up to this challenge? Guess the experience is going to either make him or break him into pieces.  

Or maybe it's Reverend Styles who'll lead the fight? Don't know much about him yet, except that he does seem to have a clue….

pp. 42-45 – Liked the interplay between Michaels and Lisa and her boyfriend Wes during the sale of illicit product. Among other things setting up this Abacus character as something to be truly feared; don't guess Wes will enjoy trying to protect her from it in a future episode….  

Some nice, humorous lines in the midst of a dark story – "I would take that as a 'no,' dear." (p. 29) / "Definitely mean it, this time." (p. 33)

A couple of things I wasn't sure about:

p. 2 – Not sure I believe Sasha would let this dodgy guy into her parents' home, give him the run of the place while she goes upstairs and shuts her bedroom door to finish her makeup and chat on the phone. I know she's only 17, so conceivably doesn't know better, but still….

p. 32 – "He raises his hands, palms up, studying them with an almost detached curiosity. Slowly, he rotates them, as if questioning whether they’re even his own." Cool scene, not sure what's going on. Sort of like in Ghosts of Mars, except that would happen when a demon first entered the host's body and was trying to figure it out….

p. 46 – "We're left lingering in her empty room." Hmm… I wonder why we are. Something special about this room? Guess we'll find out….

Look forward to learning more about the evil spirit referenced in the show's title. According to your logline it's "far darker than the crime itself"... so that should be interesting.

It apparently enters this world (or maybe just fixes on its targets) through a Ouija board(s)? Although… looks like Charlie was possessed just by staring across the street at someone else who was – so can it jump freely from host to host? Seems able to move about independent of a human host, too, making foxlike sounds….

Brings to mind the demon in the Denzel Washington film Fallen – Azazel, which could skip from host to host almost at will (but couldn't survive long without a host). You definitely didn't want that demon aware of your existence, and maybe your evil spirit in this story is similar? If so, uh-oh, police investigators….

Anway, good read. Enjoyed it.  

Michael

This sounds like it'd be right up my alley!

Will check this out and get back to you with my thoughts. Got a lot to read, so please bear with me.

Hey Michael_C

Great to see that you've read my pilot to Monstrous!

I know I’ve said this before, but I really appreciate the way you dive into scripts here - fully engaging and giving them your complete attention.

Quoted Text Lots to like here. As a viewer think I would tune in for Episode 2

Thank you, thank you, thank you! That's what's it's all about!

Quoted Text Not sure why he hasn't been fired or demoted for brazen insubordination, though. Guess Sullivan's either soft, or just forgiving in view of something that happened in the past?

It may not have come across in this episode, but Mike does get results - he’s just often insubordinate. You make a good point, though; I wanted to create a sense of friction between him and his superior. Definitely something for me to keep in mind.

Quoted Text A really troubled guy, anyhow, so is he even up to this challenge? Guess the experience is going to either make him or break him into pieces.

It's definitely one of these two

Quoted Text Not sure I believe Sasha would let this dodgy guy into her parents' home, give him the run of the place while she goes upstairs and shuts her bedroom door to finish her makeup and chat on the phone.

Yeah, I see where you’re coming from - she does know him. That becomes clearer in later episodes, though she doesn’t actually like him. I guess it’s just her natural politeness that leads her to offer for him to wait downstairs while she gets ready.

Quoted Text p. 46 – "We're left lingering in her empty room." Hmm… I wonder why we are. Something special about this room?

No, there’s nothing special about that room - I’m just trying to set a tone with lingering shots at the end of certain scenes, especially at the close of an act. It might not fully land on the page for readers, but I’ve always found empty rooms creepy - and that’s what I’m going for here.

Quoted Text Look forward to learning more about the evil spirit referenced in the show's title. According to your logline it's "far darker than the crime itself"... so that should be interesting.

Well, the other episodes are already written, and I’ll be posting Ep 2 shortly - with zero expectations, lol. Though, it’d be brilliant if you gave it a look. And yes - it gets much darker.

Michael, I really appreciate your kind words and positive vibes - I’ll be keeping an eye out for your next work on here and will reciprocate as best I can.  

Hey Zack,

A read from a horror guru such as yourself would be brill - appreacite theres a lot going on around here at the min.
I'm sure I could reciprocate with "Pumpkin Guts"  

Hi, Colin.

Thank you for the kind words.  Yes, I enjoy stories - and digging into them to figure out what makes them work for me and what gets in the way. Wish I was better at seeing that stuff in my own scripts....  

Sure, I'll check out Episode 2 when you post it.

Thanks Michael, you're a gem!