When Age Counts by Daniel Botha - Short, Drama - An old man attempts to raise his young son in a harsh and changing environment. 9 pages - pdf, format

Awesome! Take THAT mean kids!

Nice story. Rupert Murdoch and Larry King need to read this since they should be able to relate.

Almost heart-breaking but then a fun spin late.

If there's any flaw here at all, it might be Natalie's tone when telling Doug to take Scott to the beach. It's sounds like she's barking out a order. "Try to see it done" read a little harsh...but maybe that's how I heard it in my head. Maybe the delivery could be softened and it doesn't really come off that way.

Anyway...anice tale and interesting take on the reality of this kind of blended family.

Hi Dan - nice piece, nothing major, but nicely worked, and some nice referencing at the begining.

Doug ages 6 years since the photo, but Natalie only 4? Now, I know that I said maths is for numb-nuts, but ...

Anyway Doug cries a little too easy - that's a feature of yours (as is school ...), but I was thinking that maybe a simple way of showing him struggle, or coming to the realisation that he was too old for this - self-doubt, rather than the tears?

Aside from that, there's some nice contrasts in here, attempts to show emotional impact and range, and the characters do come across.

Nice work.

great read,

flows nicely, ends with a smile.

Good job.

Michael

Big shout out to Don for posting this. I don't think you've ever posted one of my screenplays as quickly as this. Seriously, you rock

@CrusaderVoice: Thank you so much for the read and for providing some feedback. I'm glad you liked it. My original feedback on this one was somewhat negative when I first submitted it to MP a couple months back. I've done some re-working since then. Added quite a bit and removed quite a bit. Hopefully it's worked.

As for the dialogue with Natalie... You're not the only one who left the comment on that. It wasn't a priority when I originally re-wrote this, but I'll put it to the top of the list with the next re-write.

@Simon: Thanks for the read, Simon. You know I'm a fan, so hearing that you liked some of my work is great to hear.

Quoted from SiCol007 Now, I know that I said maths is for numb-nuts, but ...

I finally dropped that stupid subject . My friends still judge me for it. Apparently it makes me a dropkick?? Oh well, I at least have the knowledge that I have another two years of school free of stressful maths periods. Right. There's a point to this... Good pick-up on Natalie's age. Honest mistake, which can be easily fixed.

I understand your note with Doug's tears. I'm a fan of crying characters, for some reason, but I am aware that it can look awkward on screen and probably should be avoided. I'll fix that up, if I can.

Thanks for reading Simon. It pleases me to see you liked it.

@Michael: Thanks for the read there, mate. Great to see you liked the ending and were able to get a smile from it. Hopefully this one gets produced and it makes people around the world smile. From across the ditch, a genuine feeling of gratitude out to ya. Welcome to SS.

Thanks guys. Feels good to have a new script up for scrutiny.

Dan

Hey Dan,

I really liked this one.

It was very heartfelt, and contained a range of different emotions. The ending was very sweet, and made me smile. Doug and Scott's relationship read very believable as well. We could see how much each character meant to the other.

Not really too much of anything negative for me to pick up on here. Maybe have Doug struggle more when he is modifying the scooter, due to his age/ frailness? By doing that, you would make the end more linked to the whole theme/ conflict of Doug being too old for Scott. Have him struggle more physically, but then he's able to overcome this for his son, and modify the scooter?

There was the occasional miss of commas before "Dad" and "mate" as well. Very minor point, though.

Page 2- Something about this line spoken by Natalie read awkwardly: "Scott wants to go to the beach today. Try to see it done."

I think it might be better if Scott asks Doug to race? That way, when Doug 'loses' and then wants to go home, it makes more sense. Because at the minute, he suggests the race, but then it seems that he is annoyed/ punishing Scott by wanting to go home?

But yeah, as I said at the start, I really enjoyed this one.

It contained a level of emotion not seen in most shorts.

Good work man.

All the best.

Toby.

I read this before and it doesn't look like anything has changed. I summed up with the word, quaint. Good voice, nicely written... actually put me in mind of the Roald Dahl novels I read as a kid. Not normally my sort of genre, but I'm glad I read it.

Hey there Toby and Dustin. Thanks for having a read of this one. Truly appreciate the time.

Toby, Glad you liked it. I think this is one of the pieces I've re-worked more than any other piece. Good to see that work is paying off in some aspects.

Quoted from Toby Maybe have Doug struggle more when he is modifying the scooter, due to his age/ frailness? By doing that, you would make the end more linked to the whole theme/ conflict of Doug being too old for Scott. Have him struggle more physically, but then he's able to overcome this for his son, and modify the scooter?

I've had this suggestion before and I will try and focus on that aspect for the next draft. I was thinking of having Doug struggle with the physical side of things, so he just gets himself some power tools instead. Not sure. Just an idea at the moment.

Quoted from Toby There was the occasional miss of commas before "Dad" and "mate" as well. Very minor point, though.

Whoops! Will see that it's fixed

Quoted from Toby Page 2- Something about this line spoken by Natalie read awkwardly: "Scott wants to go to the beach today. Try to see it done."

That line is going to be the death of me . Honestly, I've been trying to fix this line since the first draft entered for MP. Still no luck, apparently. I'll see what else I can do.

Quoted from Toby I think it might be better if Scott asks Doug to race? That way, when Doug 'loses' and then wants to go home, it makes more sense. Because at the minute, he suggests the race, but then it seems that he is annoyed/ punishing Scott by wanting to go home?

Valid point on that one. I think it would definitely make more sense if it was Scott who wanted to race, instead.

Thanks again Toby. I'm glad you liked it. I don't often write shorts with happy endings, so it was a bit of a change-up for me. I usually prefer dramatic endings, but it's nice to have something that will make people smile for a change. I just hope it's for the right reasons.

Dustin,

You're quite right, nothing has changed with it. Haven't taken your original feedback on board just yet. I will be doing that when things quieten down on my end.

Glad this one reminded you of Roald Dahl. He was one of my favorite authors back in the day.

Cheers, guys. Thanks for the reads.

Dan

Hey, Dan.

Not got much to say really.  I wondered why Doug was so miserable at the beginning, I'm guessing he already felt too old to play with Scott?  I did think Scott was a little young to be racing to school on a scooter, but I'm guessing it wasn't too fast...how fast does a mobility scooter go?

Anywho, other than that this was a heart warming little tale.

Hey Anthony,

Thanks for having a look at this one. Shot for taking the time to leave your thoughts.

The racing on the scooter was a one-off thing. Mobility scooters go slightly faster than walking pace at most, so it's not too dangerous at all. The scooter scene was just Scott having his moment of redemption. He wouldn't ride the thing to school every day, I don't imagine.

Anyway, thanks for having a read. Glad you enjoyed it.

Dan

Hey Dan,

This is an actual fear of mine, having kids when I'm too old and useless to be of any good to them... Ah but that aside.  This was a nice read. I like the sentiment and where you took it.

If I were to say anything, it would be, I think a father of any age would not be able to have a game of chess with a child that young, so I thought the trigger for his crying felt a little contrived. Perhaps something else that would be more related to the vast age difference. Also, what if you brought in the car earlier, as if Doug has been working on the car through out, even though he can't even drive it.. this would put the thought in to Scott's head to say that at school, and show that Doug has a mechanic skills.  And last, I second Toby's race suggestion, I was actually thinking the same thing, it would feel more natural if Scott wants to race his dad.

This was a very nice piece, it was enjoyable to read and brought a smile to my face at the end.

Best,
Kev

Hi Dan,

Nice read. Good piece of work. Its a heartfelt story that I think a lot of us men are actually a little afraid of.

It well written and you convey emotion significantly appropriate to the piece. The ending was sweet.

well done

-Gavin

Hi Kevin and Gavin. Thanks for having a read.

Kevin: I think you'll find most men fear this. Being unable to care for your kids/family must be something that nags men all the time. Anyway, glad you liked it.

Quoted from KAlbers If I were to say anything, it would be, I think a father of any age would not be able to have a game of chess with a child that young, so I thought the trigger for his crying felt a little contrived.

Playing chess with a child Scott's age is easy. I'm pretty sure I was playing chess at six... Then again, I was also walking around the back yard with a pink microphone screaming out songs about my dead cat. Wasn't exactly a normal kid.

I do get the note on the crying and I do think it would be bet if it wasn't there. Actually I think I'm just never gonna write crying into my scripts from now on. It never works out

Scott's reaction in the classroom was really just him scraping the bottom of the barrel to impress his "friends". I agree with you, the idea should be planted in his head in some way or the other.

The race scene will be changed. Promise.

Thanks Kevin. Good to see you liked it. I haven't forgotten about that coverage. You're next on my list. Should be through to you by next weekend at the most.

Gavin: Thanks for reading and leaving your thoughts. Most men will be able to relate to this one, which is why I hope it gets picked up. I think there's a story in this one for everyone.

Good to see my emotion came across well for you. And the ending works!?!? I never have endings that work!

Thanks Gavin. I owe you a read.

Dan

Certainly improved since the last time I read it!  I like this tidier edition a lot more, Dan.

I don't really have any fresh feedback, other than this, like everyone else has said: this is still a great read and is indeed very heartwarming.  I can totally see maybe a student filmmaker wanting to add to his/her profile wanting to film this, so good luck my man!

-- Curt

Quoted from AmbitionIsKey Certainly improved since the last time I read it!  I like this tidier edition a lot more, Dan. I don't really have any fresh feedback, other than this, like everyone else has said: this is still a great read and is indeed very heartwarming.  I can totally see maybe a student filmmaker wanting to add to his/her profile wanting to film this, so good luck my man! -- Curt

No random scene this time round, eh? Sorry you had to read that version.

Thanks for being one of the first to read this, Curt. Your feedback was quite helpful and helped me shape this draft. I'm open to any filmmaker taking this one in, although I'm not too confident just yet. I've had offers before and nothing has turned into a film just yet. We'll see what happens.

Thanks Curt,

Dan

Daniel

I remember reading a a couple of your scripts when you first joined the boards last year, evidently someone just starting out at the craft buts lots of potential on show too. I can definitely say from a technical standpoint that your writing has evolved extremely well. I don’t remember your writing being particularly bad just a little baggy, this however was a breezy read, very assured, you’ve found your technique it seems.

"Doug pounds his fist into the sand. Doug shakes his
head.”

- You could leave out the second “Doug”, rewrite it as:

“Doug pounds his fist into the sand, shakes his head.”


“Sobs and cries emitted from Doug.”

- Keep the verbs to present tense:

“Sobs and cries emit from Doug”


“Silence. None of the kids care. Child #3 is a bit lost for
words.”

- Ooh, a not so sly dig at Nintendo I see! I guess you never experienced the black and white, 4 bit (I think) delights of Super Mario Land on the original Gameboy! Fu?kin’ kids today, eh?

A bittersweet tale in all, I was very moved by the scenes at the beach when Doug’s advanced years really showed, heartbreaking stuff but told in a very simple and unfussy way, I liked it. This is why Doug’s actual breakdown surprised me so much, in that I didn’t think there would be such an outpouring of emotion so early on but I guess in an eight page script you got to hit these points sooner rather than later.

I liked the positive direction you took it in the end, the old man using his experience and mode of transport of all things to “win” back his son’s affections and admiration. I wonder though could the mobility scooter be set up a little earlier and through an actual scene showing Doug and his “ride” as opposed to planting the seed via a dialogue reference. It wouldn’t have to be an over explicit scene of Doug getting mocked or nearly run over by a car or whatever, just show him using it in an everyday sense as a way to convey his age and frailty. It could serve as an opening scene before you show the photographs and his home life.

Not to patronise May-to-December relationships but why is a beautiful 34 year old having a child with a 70 year old man. I figured that Doug would be rich (I know, it says more about me than anything else) but you don’t address it and treat it as normal, which is fine, I just wonder is there a back-story you have in your head for this couple that couldn’t be depicted on the page.

Also, Doug ages 6 years from the photo, so those Scott yet Natalie only ages  a mere 4 years. Who is this slow aging, grandpa loving, mutant woman!

Finally, I hate to be so practically minded and not allow myself to be swept away by the moment but would a seven year old kid be allowed bring a mobility scooter into school?

Anyway, I enjoyed this, good work.

Col.

Hi Col, thanks for having a read of this one. Your reviews are always quite helpful nd insightful. You're one of the readers I look forward to hearing from whenever I post a screenplay. My improved writing style is all due to the help I have received on this forum and you are one of those contributing members. Thanks a bunch, mate.

Good to see that you've still found some writing areas that I can still improve on. Thanks for the suggestions. I completely missed the "emitted" line. Bit of a slip up on my behalf. Sorry.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 - Ooh, a not so sly dig at Nintendo I see! I guess you never experienced the black and white, 4 bit (I think) delights of Super Mario Land on the original Gameboy! Fu?kin’ kids today, eh?

I actually have nothing against Nintendo. I usually refrain from including private jokes in my writing as the audience aren't likely to share in with it, but this one seems to have gone down well. This joke originated from my own personal experience. My friends all have the Xboxes and Playstations and I have a Wii. It's become a bit of a joke amongst our group... "Hey Daniel, do you wanna play Blackops tonight? Oh wait, you only have a Wii!!" - I thought it can't help adding it to a screenplay while I'm at it.

I've had people say that the break-down with Doug is a bit too much. I think I might have to change that scene up so it's not so emotional. Mainly because the emotion comes across as more melodramatic than anything else.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I liked the positive direction you took it in the end, the old man using his experience and mode of transport of all things to “win” back his son’s affections and admiration. I wonder though could the mobility scooter be set up a little earlier and through an actual scene showing Doug and his “ride” as opposed to planting the seed via a dialogue reference. It wouldn’t have to be an over explicit scene of Doug getting mocked or nearly run over by a car or whatever, just show him using it in an everyday sense as a way to convey his age and frailty. It could serve as an opening scene before you show the photographs and his home life.

Awesome. I don't often go for positive, so I'm glad this one went down well. I will definitely foreshadow the scooter earlier on in the script. Great suggestion.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Not to patronise May-to-December relationships but why is a beautiful 34 year old having a child with a 70 year old man. I figured that Doug would be rich (I know, it says more about me than anything else) but you don’t address it and treat it as normal, which is fine, I just wonder is there a back-story you have in your head for this couple that couldn’t be depicted on the page.

I knew someone was going to bring this up . On MP many readers knocked this one down because it was "unrealistic". That's an opinion I simply can't agree with. This script is aimed at that common belief that any young, hot woman with an old frail man is out for the money. That's the stereotype and generalization I aim to dampen in this short. Does love not play a part in the minds of some people?

As for the backstory, I imagined it would be your typical love story, just with a big age difference in between the characters. These two genuinely love each other and I hope that comes across in the next re-write.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Finally, I hate to be so practically minded and not allow myself to be swept away by the moment but would a seven year old kid be allowed bring a mobility scooter into school?

Probably not. The mobility scooter scene was probably just a once-off for Scott. He takes it to school to show it to his friends and then the next day he goes to school like he normally would. It wouldn't be an everyday thing.

Thanks Col. Truly appreciate you having a read and providing feedback on this one.

Dan

Quoted from danbotha I knew someone was going to bring this up . On MP many readers knocked this one down because it was "unrealistic". That's an opinion I simply can't agree with. This script is aimed at that common belief that any young, hot woman with an old frail man is out for the money. That's the stereotype and generalization I aim to dampen in this short. Does love not play a part in the minds of some people?

- I completely agree. I just wondered did you have a backstory worked out in your mind. To write it off as unrealistic is unfair. Kudos to Doug, what a stud!

Hey Dan.

Great redeeming moment at the end.  I wasn't sure if you were going to go the tragic route at first or the happy route, but I liked the way you pulled off the spirit-lifting ending.

Great characterization in this one.  I bought into Natalie loving the 'old man' for himself and not for money, and I loved how Scott didn't seem to mind his elderly father until Doug himself felt bad about it.

However, a problem I did have while reading this is that the scenes are way too convenient for you to tell the story.  The story comes off as very contrived when everything that needs to happen for you to get to the next scene happens.

For example, it's convenient that the old man and son see a younger father at the son, and they do EXACTLY as the younger father and son do.  (If the old man is having trouble flying a kite, why in the world would he challenge someone to a footrace, of all things?)  Kinda setting himself up for disaster there.

But that's not a biggie, as it's very plausible they would run into a young father and son at the beach.  But then, we're at school and kids are conveniently talking about how great their fathers are and comparing notes.  Still not implausible, but then, at the end, the same EXACT group of kids all happen to be standing outside the school at the same exact time Scott rides by in his contraption and the same exact group of boys are STILL comparing how their father's are better or not.

Hopefully, you see what I mean when I say that, although a great story, it's still coming off as contrived.  And, in doing that, some of the dialogue is coming off stale because you're telling us exactly what we need to know to get the gist of the story across.

I'd say take a step back and make it seem like Scott instigates the father conversation, that way it doesn't come off as something that the writer needed to tell the story, but instead, it comes off as Scott as a character needing to get it off his chest.

But other than the quaint frankness of the scenes, it's still a great story you have to tell that, as I said, comes off as very redeeming in the end when the story could have had either a happy, or depressing, ending.

Great job on this one, Dan.

- Mark

EDIT:  I'm also wondering why Doug was so cold to Natalie in the beginning.  It's not a biggie, but it threw me off the track of the story for a moment.  With his ignoring her in the beginning, I thought the problem was going to be mainly between him and her.  Maybe make it clear that Doug has a problem with his aging at the very start.)

Hello, Dan.  An interesting story to spring from such a young author, and you deliver a nice message in the process.

In terms of the narrative, I do have a few thoughts for you.

First, your opening scene is a bit annoying, giving us double-ages that reads more like a math lesson where the numbers do not add up anyway.  Just show the photo and do not get too caught up in small details like this that only slow the reader down.

You also are selling your old-young scenario a bit too hard.  The kite scene and the race scene are saying exactly the same thing, rendering them redundant.  After the kite scene, we get the point -- after that you are just repeating yourself.  Were this mine, I would go with one or the other, not both.

You also paint Natalie as a patient saint.  This is not necessarily wrong -- but introducing a bit more conflict between the couple would strengthen the story.  She need not be so bland.  As a (general) rule, you should always look for opportunities to introduce conflict where you can, as it is nearly always to the benefit of the script.

Nice work overall, however.  Pleased to have read it.

Thanks Mark and Bert for taking a look at this one. Any feedback at all is priceless, IMO. I'll respond to you both in this post.

Quoted from Mark Great redeeming moment at the end.  I wasn't sure if you were going to go the tragic route at first or the happy route, but I liked the way you pulled off the spirit-lifting ending.

Good to see the ending going down well. I got a bit sick of all the depressing endings that I write, so I thought I might try something the other way round. I like to see that the characters are going down well, as well. I've had a bit of a mixed response with Natalie, so I think there's still some work to do with her.

Quoted from Mark However, a problem I did have while reading this is that the scenes are way too convenient for you to tell the story.  The story comes off as very contrived when everything that needs to happen for you to get to the next scene happens. For example, it's convenient that the old man and son see a younger father at the son, and they do EXACTLY as the younger father and son do.  (If the old man is having trouble flying a kite, why in the world would he challenge someone to a footrace, of all things?)  Kinda setting himself up for disaster there.

I see exactly what you mean. I think part of that comes from the fact that this was originally written for a MP contest, which meant only having the main plot squashed into five pages. Like with my other short I entered for a contest there, I haven't properly fleshed the story out to make it a lot less convenient. You make a great point, Mark and I'll see what I can do to patch this one up a bit more. I don't want to make this one too long, though. As bert said in his review, there's already a redundant scene which needs to go (or at the least get changed). I guess, it's essentially about telling or the main key points in a non-redundant and a less convenient way. Got it.

Quoted from Mark I'd say take a step back and make it seem like Scott instigates the father conversation, that way it doesn't come off as something that the writer needed to tell the story, but instead, it comes off as Scott as a character needing to get it off his chest.

Yeah, that makes sense. I'll re-work that scene.

Thanks Mark.

P.S. Doug was originally so cold to Natalie because of his age. I think he's just a little sensitive about the issue and doesn't like having to talk about it. Anyway, I might try and make this story revolve around the entire family and not just Doug and Scott.

Quoted from bert Hello, Dan.  An interesting story to spring from such a young author, and you deliver a nice message in the process.

Hi bert. Thanks for opening this one up and taking the time to provide some feedback. Good to see my message coming across clearly. For me, it's quite a personal concept, so it's sweet to see other writers relate.

Quoted from bert First, your opening scene is a bit annoying, giving us double-ages that reads more like a math lesson where the numbers do not add up anyway.

Oh God, no! The last thing I want to do is remind people of math lessons.

I see your point. I was wondering what the best way to tackle that was. I've seen people mention ages in photos before, so I assumed it was the right thing to do. I'm never going to live that math mistake down, am I? Well... at least until  I change it.

Quoted from bert You also are selling your old-young scenario a bit too hard.  The kite scene and the race scene are saying exactly the same thing, rendering them redundant.  After the kite scene, we get the point -- after that you are just repeating yourself.  Were this mine, I would go with one or the other, not both.

Excellent point. I'll take that into consideration. I kind of want to show more of Doug building the contraption for his scooter. These scenes would still show him struggling with physical work, yet it would be with a completely different task. Is that OK in your mind? Or is it still redundant?

I hope to have Natalie as a more important character in the next re-write. I think, of all the characters in this, she's the most interesting. She's likely to be a character that would receive a lot of attention from an audience, purely based on her age. I have to give reasons as to why she sticks around.

Thanks bert. Glad you liked it, overall. You've given some great pointers.

Dan

I liked this, though I wanted to like it more due to its light-hearted nature. It had a feeling of whimsy to it, but the payoff just didn't seem satisfying enough. I liked the dynamic of the characters - an older fellow marries a younger woman and they have a child.

Doug is 76 is maybe out of his element. He just doesn't understand today's youth, and at times, he seems to not understand his wife Natalie - and vice versa. He just seems tired and depressed.

I liked how he used something that symbolizes his age, the scooter, and turns it into this cool rocket-boosted car for his Scott. I just didn't buy that the other kids would be in awe of the car, not into the cyber-age of PS 3 and X Box 360. My 9 year old sister has an I Pad touch for Pete sake.

The writing was pretty good overall, though at the beginning, you don't need to describe the ages of the characters in the photo and then list their age again when we're introduced to them. All I saw was a paragraph full of numbers. Maybe just write in a FAMILY PHOTO - Doug, Natalie and baby Scott.

Then in the next paragraph, we meet the characters. Mention a few years after the photo or something.

One line that read weird was NATALIE: Scott wants to go to the beach. Try to see it done.

It makes Natalie seem like a B-word. For the rest of the script, I expected her to be like the younger, more attractive type of wife who is abusive to her older husband. But she seems pretty nice actually for the rest of the story. Maybe just write:

NATALIE: You mind taking Scott to the beach while I'm gone? He really wants to go.

Or something like that.

The following action block read strange to me at the top of page 3:

THUMP! Doug pounds his fist into the sand. Doug shakes his head.

You don't need to use his name twice if it's in the same block. Just write Doug pounds his fist into the sand, shakes his head in frustration.

Overall, I liked it, it just felt like there was something missing.

Hi there spesh2k. Thanks for the read.

It's good to see that there are people picking up on the subtle things that I added, such as the mobility scooter symbolizing age and that sort of thing. I'm not sure I can agree with you with the whole "cyber age" thing though. Yes, kids are becoming more infatuated with modern technology, which is something I hint at in the screenplay, but I don't believe that these kids wouldn't appreciate the "car". I can't think of a single kid who wouldn't want to at least have a go on a mobility scooter, no matter how caught up in their cyber world they are.

I get your point with Natalie. The last thing I wanted Natalie to come off as was a bitch. She's probably the nicest character in this story and I would like that to come across in this one. Thanks.

Thanks for the feedback. Appreciate the time.

Point me in the direction of some of your work.

Dan

Hey Dan,

Yeah, it was pretty much that one line that made Natalie seem a little bitchy. But after that she was pretty sweet (though that one line affected my view of the character). She represents the in-between character, the character without conflict. She's more of the mediator if anything. So to have her come off as bitchy throws things off balance in a way, if that makes any sense. Maybe that's the thing that I felt was off or missing about the script.

As for kids with technology...

Maybe if the kids were comparing cool bikes or something... comparing a car with rocket boosters to video games doesn't really seem fair. Maybe if the kids were comparing racing video games? Or accessories that come with racing video games (a remote control steering wheel perhaps?)

I have a script under the short section called "Two Wrongs" if you'd like to check that out, though it was just purchased a few days ago. I also have a feature under drama titled "Morphine", though I understand it takes up more time to read features.

No need for reciprocation, but if you'd like to check it, feel welcome I was just passing time, came across your script and overall, enjoyed it.

Hey Dan,

I think it's been a while since I've read anything of yours. lol.

Liked this story. Very cute. The ending is great. Just imagining makes me smile.

However,  I think the logline needs to be fixed. For some odd reason, I thought of the deep dark side of  the ghettos like drug dealers and pimps. lmao.

Also, I think that classroom scene with Scott should start in the beginning. And everything else remains in the same structure. It'll establish early on a great payoff for the end.   

hope this helps,
Gabe  

Hey Gabe,

Thanks for having a look. As always I appreciate the time taken to read my work.

I can see where you got that interpretation from the logline I'm not sure the drugs, ghetto and pimp approach would quite work out for this one. I'll see what I can do to change it a round a bit.

I like your suggestion with having the classroom scene right at the start. It really depends on who I want this story to be focused on, to be honest. At the moment I'm tossing up between focusing this story more on Doug than on Scott. Am I making sense, here?

Anyway, thanks for having a look. I appreciate the time.

Dan

Hey Dan,

How you been, mate? Busy moderating no doubt. Just catching up with some reads.

A nice little story this one, certainly like the subject matter and in some ways I can personally feel for it. My own parents were a little older shall we say when I was born but not to this extreme. If I had a complaint then it would be that this story lacks focus and doesn't know what or who it wants to concentrate on.

It starts with Doug and his inability to be the father that he feels he should be because of his age. I liked this part, even if you did overdo it, but it was poignant enough although I still think it could be stronger. At the moment, Scott doesn't seem too bothered about his father's age. It doesn't seem to be the big issue it's made out to be by Doug, maybe this is why his sobbing felt a little over the top. I think this scene needs more for his reaction, what if some teenagers laugh at him because he can't keep up and call him names. Some would say this is cliche but it could be more effective with Scott not understanding what they're laughing at and give his complete break-down more substance.

It's the next part what really confused me as we completely shift focus and are suddenly concentrating on Scott, his friends and how he wants to be cool. I didn't care for this at all because at the end of the day, it had nothing to do with the first 4 pages. It's gone from being Doug's story to Scott's, but I waited until the end to see if maybe the two stories would come together for some closure and then judge - they didn't, IMO!

You could argue they did, but I really couldn't see it. Nothing's changed since Doug sobbed, he's still the aging father unable to do things (although he put that mobile scooter together with some ease considering his problems with the kite) and while Scott proved to the kids at school that he indeed has a car (he won't be able to use that for long. He'll be ridiculed in high school ) this story didn't come about until half-way through and was a story on its own. I just wish these two stories had connected better or you'd concentrated on Doug's story and how he was going overcome his problem. That's just my feelings though and after reading back through the feedback, seems most enjoyed this and its happy ending. I'm normally alone with my views.

On a side note, just wondered how this story would have played if we followed Scott and Doug as they got older - to see Scott's attitude to having a much older dad when he was say a teenager all the way to Doug's eventual death. Whether he had a great respect for what his father did for him when he should have been retired and relaxing rather than raising a child. All interesting questions raised by what was such a good subject you chose to write about.

The writing was decent enough although it could be better, lots of clumsy lines scattered around which could be tidied up. This one for instance:

"Doug lies on the lawn next to the scooter, now covered in a white bedsheet." Just needs some clarity, at first I thought Doug was covered in the bedsheet like a pretend ghost and shouldn't this be "covered (by) a white bedsheet)

Also some simple things like the ages, Natalie only aged 4 years while the boys 6. Doug's paper was laying on his lap yet when he spills the tea on his lap, his paper magically didn't get wet at all, just his pants. Little things really.

So overall I liked the subject matter but didn't think the story did it justice. I didn't feel it focused on that subject enough and while the ending was upbeat, couldn't help feeling let down that Doug didn't get any proper resolution.

Nice work all the same though.

Steve

Hey Dan,

I really enjoyed this as I do with all of your short stories. I loved to see Doug rebound (sort of speak) from all of his previous failures and come through at the end and build Scott his very own scooter with rocket boosters.

I was a little confused to why the classmates were all boasting over gifts their dads got them. Was it Christmas time? or did they get gifts because they are doing well in class? Just wondering.

I would almost feel that the kids would tease Scott over his fathers age than what Doug didn't get Scott for a present. Kids can be cruel that way.

Anyways good stuff as always and best of luck on future projects!

- Dirk

Hey Steve and Dirk, thanks for having a look at "When Age Counts". Truly awesome of you guys to regularly read my work, whenever I post something up.

Steve, spot on mate. Been busy with WA, but nothing could ever draw me away from SS. Still sign in at least once a day, so I may not post that often, but I'm still a regular... technically.

@Steve: Good to see the subject matter is at least a hit for you, even if the story does miss the mark a little. I was going for something a little light, rather than my usual dramatic stuff. I think the Drama is still there, but it has a nicer ending for a change.

I see exactly what you mean about the lack of focus in the story. Many people have commented on it, actually. I'm tempted to expand on this a little more to make it more of a story about the entire family, rather than just Doug or just Scott or just Natalie. I want this story to be more about the FAMILY than just individual characters. This is an issue I tried to address in the re-write. Originally, the story was more about Doug. When I went through to edit it (after entering MP) I wanted to expand and make the story significant to other characters as well. Someone commented on how they didn't feel sympathetic in the slightest for Scott. It's trial and error at this stage. I'll keep chipping away at it until the story has a narrow focus on all characters. I know that's the complete opposite of what you suggested, but in the long run, I'm still moving towards giving it more of a focus... just a broader focus... Does that make sense?

I considered following the story through Scott's life... As he goes through puberty, first girlfriend, breakups, playing sports, but I pulled back on that idea when I remembered I was aiming this at student filmakers. To me, following this lad as he grows up may cause issues for casting and so on. That's just my take on it.

Great spotting with the writing issues.

Thanks Steve. As always, I appreciate the time taken to have a read.

@Dirk: Thanks Dirk for having a read. Your feedback, as usual is appreciate and I love to hear from you.

Glad you're finding my work consistent in some sort of way. I try to do better each time I write. I have my own list of favorite shorts and I always try to beat the script at the top of the list. Just a little game I play to motivate myself

As for the kids boasting about their Dads. It's more of a reflection on real-life kids as opposed to any special time of the year. Things may have changed since I was growing up, but I remember when we would have arguments about who had the better stuff. Thought that might be amusing to see play out on screen or in the script.

I didn't originally want to go the teasing way. I wanted to have Scott have friends. Essentially, if he was bullied, it creates another obstacle for the kid to get over and unfortunately for any child in a similar situation, aging isn't something we can reverse. So to have kids tease him would just create another issue, which I may have to resolve in the end... Going for a happy ending and in my eyes, there's no happy ending to come from that one, unless you count the kids eventually growing up and getting over themselves.

Thanks again, Dirk. Your feedback is always appreciated

Dan

Quoted from danbotha I'm tempted to expand on this a little more to make it more of a story about the entire family, rather than just Doug or just Scott or just Natalie. I want this story to be more about the FAMILY than just individual characters.

Personally, I felt this story should be about Doug and Scott and how they deal with this issue, not sure how you would include Natalie? If anything, I thought she could have been cut altogether.

On the same note, if it was going to be a family issue then maybe Doug's age needs to cause more strain on Natalie - medical bills for example but that would mean you have to shy away from the more happy vibe you want. Difficult one for sure.

Quoted from danbotha I considered following the story through Scott's life... As he goes through puberty, first girlfriend, breakups, playing sports, but I pulled back on that idea when I remembered I was aiming this at student filmakers. To me, following this lad as he grows up may cause issues for casting and so on. That's just my take on it.

Yeah, completely agree. I do think you could have a stronger story going at it like that but totally understand your reasoning. Hopefully it pays off and you get this one produced like your many others!

Take it easy, buddy and keep moderating.

Steve