Monumental Favour by Colin Sharp - Short, Dramedy - With time running out, a frantic businessman relies on a cab driver to reach the airport before his flight takes off. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Please read the excellent review by LC - https://www.simplyscripts.com/2025/03/17/monumental-favour/

Dear Colin,
great twist ending! Before you get to that Monumental Favour - I think you could further load the pressure on the journey with a few other imaginative obstacles/delaying factors. But I agree - the paper jam or no ink ONLY occurs when you are in a rush AND it is something important. All best JtF

Thanks JTF for taking the time to read.

I agree with you regarding extending the journey and creating more mayhem which would likely add more punch to the twist/spin - it was only that I wanted to keep at as short as possible.

Definitely worth considering though

Colin,

I love it!

A few notes for you, some of them pedantic.

Samir's eyes clock on to it.
Samir's eyes clock it
Samir clocks it would do if you ask me.

JIM
When-stroke if I board that flight,
I'll be okay
When-stroke?

He's going to go home and watch TV. Yeah, like the rest of the world.

Technically you have an overabundance of ellipses and dashes so watch those.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1395018709/s-13/highlight-Ellipses/#num13

I didn't much fancy your title at first but having read the script, it's terrific.

All those quibbles aside, I loved this, thought you nailed the characters, some nice touches of humour, great escalating tension with the ticking clock without either character going over the top.

I wouldn't add or change much at all.

You could have elected to make Jim more of an arse but there's enough story conflict without it. You could likewise have made Samir more clever much to the chagrin of Jim - at one point I was thinking why didn't Jim have an email of his flight confirmation and an eticket, but of course it became clear this is not 2024.

The reveal at the end needs to be in bold type.
I had to read it twice (this might just be me on a Sunday morning) to get it. When I did get it, I went oh! Monumental Favour indeed.

Like I said though, I loved it.
Here's hoping you get this picked up!

Oh wow, Colin. I was completely in the dark with where this was going. Seemed like just another “hurry up, delay dayâ€� getting to the airport…until it wasn’t just another day. There are so many real life stories of people who were late for whatever that day whose lives were saved. I read through another time after knowing the end and it had a completely different feel. Very nice. Thanks for sharing this.  Nearly 24 years later it is still haunting and still very real.

Quoted from kcranford Oh wow, Colin. I was completely in the dark with where this was going. Seemed like just another “hurry up, delay dayâ€� getting to the airport…until it wasn’t just another day. There are so many real life stories of people who were late for whatever that day whose lives were saved. I read through another time after knowing the end and it had a completely different feel. Very nice. Thanks for sharing this.  Nearly 24 years later it is still haunting and still very real.

Thanks for the read, Kathy!
Yeah, I believe there are some remarkable true stories about how people escaped that fateful day. I remember watching the day unfold (day off from college). Will never forget.

Hey Libby,

Thanks for reading and liking the short!
Cheers for the feedback too.

So with "When-stroke if", I literally want Jim to say "when/if", as in sarcastically. But I did have a feeling it wouldn't read well. Maybe I should change it to something like "Only when I board that flight, I'll be okay".

Bolding the reveal - Yeah, I get that. I was little conscious that reader eyes might clock on to the bold before reading the page - but yeah, it should really be bold text.

Thanks for your help!

try....

          When--if--I get...

Good stuff. Fun read.

Other than that, no notes from me.

PK

Quoted from PKCardinal try....           When--if--I get... Good stuff. Fun read. Other than that, no notes from me. PK

Cheers buddy for taking a look!
Thanks for the little advisory, Glad it was fun

Await for your feature to arrive on the site, look forward to it!

The "When-stroke if" line was a little confusing for me.  I had to read it a couple of time before it hit me. Perhaps it could be made more clear if the "if" was emphasized in some way. Anyway, I like the line and think it would definitely be clear when acted out. I'm only pointing it out from the perspective of a challenged reader.

For what it's worth, you nailed Boston traffic.

I had to do a double-take at the ending.

I remember that day. NYC was only about 40 minutes south by train from my office. One moment I could see the burning buildings. A moment later, I could not. Military aircraft replaced the airliners in the sky.  Fire truck sirens screamed southward down I-95 all day.

Thanks for taking a look for D.A., much appreciated as always.

Quoted Text I remember that day. NYC was only about 40 minutes south by train from my office. One moment I could see the burning buildings. A moment later, I could not

To physically see the trade centres and smoke - wow, a haunting memory.

I had forgotten how much I loved this script. Thanks to Libby’s excellent review over on the Blog Home page, I read it again. If anyone is looking for a short to produce, this one would be a winner IMO. Great script with a punch of a twist ending that delivers  a profound message.  Good stuff here, Colin. Wishing you all the best with it.

Thanks for the shout out, Kathy!
A lot of people don't realise the Blog page exists and that we showcase script reviews.

https://www.simplyscripts.com/

Colin: Just my opinion - but I think this is an A+ story in a B level script. So I  am going to nit-pick the hell out of the opening two pages to illustrate the point:

You’re not letting the scene headers carry the weight that they can – thus delaying our understanding and making the scene a bit less crisp. You also have some unnecessary words. E.g.,

This:

Quoted Text EXT. STREET - DAY At dawn, the sun casts its first light over a sprawling metropolis. A white Acorn taxi idles silently outside a towering apartment block.

Could be crisper

EXT. URBAN STREET – DAWN

The sun casts its first light over a sprawling metropolis.

A lone TAXI idles outside a towering apartment block.

In the above header – In three words I already know that I’m in a city and I know it’s the crack of dawn. Does the color of the taxi matter? Does silently really add anything?
You could also really get specific with the header:

EXT. DOWNTOWN BOSTON – HIGH-RISE APARTMENT – DAWN

The point being use the header to set the scene ASAP for the reader and to save words later.

Quoted Text INT. TAXI - DAY SAMIR (30s), a man of Middle Eastern descent, sits in the driver’s seat, his expression clouded with concern. He glances at the dashboard clock: 6:45 a.m.

You don’t need to write “a man� we get that by the “his�.

Can just be:

SAMIR (30s), Middle Eastern descent,

Same with when you intro Jim: And also – you don’t need to reference the “back� twice. e.g.,

This:

Quoted Text The back passenger door swings open, and JIM (30s), a well- groomed man in a sharp suit, slides into the back seat.

Can be:

The rear passenger door swings open. JIM (30s), well-groomed, sharp suit, slides in.

I’d also add a verb for Jim’s demeanor. E.g.,

A frantic JIM (30s), well-groomed, sharp suit, slides in.

Quoted Text JIM When-stroke if I board that flight, I'll be okay.

I didn’t understand when-stroke.

This:

Quoted Text JIM (CONT'D) Couldn't find the one I printed yesterday. Print it this morning and I get paper load jam...paper load jam! Took me twenty minutes to print the bastard. Dude, I was cursing. Profanity city. Sorry, bud. Don't suppose, you could hit that accelerator a bit more?

Could be crisper because I don’t think you need the yesterday stuff. E.g.,

JIM (CONT'D)
Took forever to print this God damn thing – paper jam! A fucking paper load jam! Sorry for the cursing… Don't suppose you could hit that accelerator a bit more?

This header:

Quoted Text INT. TAXI – LATER

Really should be INT/EXT since we got the view of the street. E.g.,

INT/EXT. TAXI – CONGESTED STREET – LATER

Which would also enable you to make this:

Quoted Text The taxi is stationary. Jim and Samir stare ahead, their faces etched with worry — Jim’s expression far graver. The taxi idles in a queue, the traffic light ahead glowing red in the near distance. JIM I don't believe this. Why's it this busy, this early?

Crisper. E.g.,

INT/EXT. TAXI – CONGESTED STREET – LATER

The taxi idles in a monstrous queue of cars. A traffic light in the near distance glows red.

I would ramped up Jim a bit here:

Quoted Text JIM I know it's seven now. Believe me, I know... It's not your fault, it's my fault. I know that, too. But I'm on the verge of spontaneously combusting, here.

Have Jim losing it a bit more.
e.g.,
     
JIM
I know it's seven now! I can read the fucking clock!
  (deep breath)
Sorry… I know it's not your fault…

Again – here, you can save words

Quoted Text In the distance, the traffic light shifts from amber to green.

The traffic light flips green.

JIM (CONT'D)
Yes!

You don’t need in the distance since you already said that. Also – doesn’t it go Red – Green – Yellow. i.e., wouldn’t go from amber to green (I think)

Anyway - the above changes are real nit-pocks. THe story is stellar.  I would take one more pass at it to address the type of stuff above.

Quoted from kcranford I had forgotten how much I loved this script. Thanks to Libby’s excellent review over on the Blog Home page, I read it again. If anyone is looking for a short to produce, this one would be a winner IMO. Great script with a punch of a twist ending that delivers  a profound message.  Good stuff here, Colin. Wishing you all the best with it.

Thanks for your extra kind words Kathy - you're a barrel of positive energy -  a gem
Yeah, Libby's reviews are A-star - she has a real talent for capturing the tone of the script in her writing. Well pleased she took a shine to Monumental Favour