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Locus by Jayden Rose - Short, Horror - Premise: A recovering drug addict finds herself in a supernatural struggle for control over her own life. - pdf format
New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice
In terms of feedback, I really just want to know if this story works. Does it keep you engaged from beginning to end? Does it make sense, in the way that trippy thrillers make sense? How's the dialogue? Do some areas need to be tightened up, expanded?
Not so much looking for the feedback pertaining to the obscure "rules" of screenwriting, but I will take some advice on formatting if there are any glaring issues.
In terms of feedback, I really just want to know if this story works. Does it keep you engaged from beginning to end? Does it make sense, in the way that trippy thrillers make sense? How's the dialogue? Do some areas need to be tightened up, expanded?
Not so much looking for the feedback pertaining to the obscure "rules" of screenwriting, but I will take some advice on formatting if there are any glaring issues.
No problem. Will read through this and let you know my thoughts in the next day or so.
Don't get it right. Get it written.
"If you can't handle people not liking what you do, you shouldn't be in the business." - Rob Bowman
First off I'm going to assume your title should be: Locust. ? I can change that for you btw, just let me know. I also have a suggestion that thematically and otherwise, your script should feature (if not a plague) then a swarm of locusts, instead of the flies. I question otherwise, why the title, and what is its significance?
You start with the very popular and overused - OVER BLACK Click-click. An old TV powers on with a high-frequency whine and a rising hum that turns into... Over black is fine if the sound is easily identifiable, or in equal measures disturbing, or relatable. Don't use it just cause every cool writer is using it. All we'd get (above) is the sound of a high-frequency hum. That's fine. Leave 'the TV powers on' bit out of the equation entirely - we're not seeing anything at this point. Only write what you can show, or what we will hear.
But you then - FADE IN: to --the thick clouds in the rain.
This (above is an Exterior shot, so EXT is needed). Also, it's your opening shot so you want it to pack a punch.
The thing is, your Over Black sound doesn't pay-off to any accompanying visual. You'll either want to show this, or make that sound abruptly stop, and then fade in.
Then think of what you want your audience to see - I'm thinking dark storm clouds threatening, a vast open desolate space, maybe long-dead shriveled pastures, perhaps a solitary farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. Fill in the visual gaps for me.
I feel like you're falling into the novice trap of two things - quite a bit of the story, obviously known to you, is staying in your head, and not making it to the page. I've been guilty of this myself in the past so you're not alone there.
Secondly, you're being too fancy with camera directions which is actually detracting from the story you want to tell.
Streamline everything. Take this image for example:
Saint Mary kneels in the center of the prayer candles. One of those white-washed ceramics. Her smile seems to say, “Get it together, bitch.”
I recommend you begin by simply describing a ceramic figurine of the Virgin Mary sits at the centre of the shrine.
'Get it together, bitch' is presumably Brenna's POV of events. In her drug-addled stupor I'm assuming she imagines the words to be coming directly from her symbol of faith, mocking her.
So, a simpler and more effective way of handling this is just via her dialogue. Here: BRENNA (CONT’D) You did this to me! You bitch...
That line above, coupled with perhaps Brenna throwing the figurine across the room and it smashing to bits, would be more effective and visual to boot.
Followed by this very nice and humorous line here: I keep you in business, you two-faced piece of shit! Even in Horror it's nice to balance things out sometimes with a little acerbic humour.
Btw, your next living room slug does not actually appear to be continuous. It's probably Minutes Later. Your Continuous slug further down also is not.
INT. PORTER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS A chunky TV set crackles with static. As we PUSH IN on the white snow: TITLE CARD: “Locus” Okay, I actually thought we were talking about snow.
A chunky TV? As we push in? Title Card? As the CAMERA PUSHES INTO the living room.
Get rid of all this unnecessary direction. It's getting in the way of the narrative and of me understanding what's going on. Not to mention you'll have approx two minutes of unrelated action (a long time) before your opening credits roll. This is more of a directorial choice.
I've read your story three times now and apart from the fact I can deduce certain things (even without reading your logline) - your main character is an addict and I think she's responsible for killing Mom and Dad who we see at the end, and something very creepy is up with Nolan - I couldn't really say what your story is about.
Btw, you do not want to write: 'she scrambles towards the camera' cause that direction takes us immediately out of the magic and the story and instead reminds us: 'this is a film', when what you're trying to do is create the illusion of reality and take your reader on a wild ride. Contrast that with writing something straightforward like: 'she crawls across the floor on all-fours'.
There's a very Poltergeist moment with the kid in front of the TV.
FLASHBACK - INT. PORTER HOUSE - GARAGE - DAY (MOS) Flashback should really come at the end of your scene header imho. -MOS is Mit out sound which means no sound. Or, the characters are speaking but we don't hear them. Btw, it's not used much these days. Anyway, so when you launch immediately into voice-over after that heading, it confused and me and seemed contradictory.
You need to cap the BOY and his FATHER, even if later you finally give us their names. I'd probably do that upfront.
Under the steady HUM OF RAIN... Silence, thick and heavy. Except for the clink of silverware. I would suggest something like: Silence, except for the steady thrum of rain on the roof. Perhaps you also want to convey a heaviness of atmosphere.
This section here:
FLASHBACK - INT. PORTER HOUSE - GARAGE - DAY (MOS) SERIES OF SHOTS FATHER (V.O.) Do you hear it? In the noise? Listen. It speaks. It wants to be understood. It knows we hear it.
That's nice creepy dialogue but again, MOS?
- A boy and his father, reflected in the disassembled 1970s Panasonic CT on the workbench. Dad hands the boy a screwdriver and secures the front panel. - He rotates the screws into place. - Dad reaches across the workbench for a...
This should begin with the father and son visual, then the voiceover, but I wonder why you'd need one as you could just show the action as it happened in flashback. There'd then be no need for a sequence of shots as we'd be watching the action play out as it did.
Also, don't end a line of description with an ellipses at the bottom of a page.
WORDS START TO FORM in the interference. A demonic rumble. So, that's a visual, but which words form? What do we actually see?And then a sound. What do we hear?
I'm getting there's a demonic presence probably emanating from the TV and Nolan is involved, as probably was the Dad, but other than that you're not quite David Lynch yet so I'm going to need you to actually relay the story with much more clarity. Trippy is fine, but I really don't have much of a clue of what is going on and I wanted to.
Your dialogue in part is really good. You do need to hone up on ellipses which is the trailing off of thought v an em dash or double dash which is usually interruption of speech, by another character, or an action etc.
Don't be dissuaded by any of this. Just remember story is key, especially when starting out. I came away intrigued, if a little frustrated cause I want to know what the heck is going on. As is, I probably wouldn't classify this as full on horror.
First off, thank you for your detailed feedback and the time you took to go through my script! It has given me a lot to think about, to say the least.
To clarify the title, Locus is correct. It refers to "a particular point, position, or place," and the broader psychological idea of the "Locus of Control." I also chose the title because of its sound similarity to "locust," which I thought would be pretty neat given the constant noise—one of the key motifs.
Is your feedback for "OVER BLACK" this is very popular and overused? If so, we might have to rewrite a bunch of scripts out there in the digital ether. Common? Sure. But not ineffective. I chose "OVER BLACK" because I wanted sound to be the focal point. I wanted to draw an immediate connection to the TV as a metaphor for oppression—both for Brenna and the audience. I intentionally chose "OVER BLACK" so that I could emphasize the auditory motifs, not because 'every cool writer uses it.'
In some cases, 'only write what you can show,' just limits the broader aspect of cinema. I thought that an old TV powering on would be an identifiable noise.
I chose to omit the slugline between the "OVER BLACK" and "FADE IN" because I wanted to preserve the connection between sound and the visual. But I could see that adding a bit more detail would help you visualize where exactly this story takes place. I never intended for there to be so much confusion.
Concerning the transition from the sound of the TV turning on to the visual of the rain, I wanted the transition to be symbolic, with the noise of the old TV hum morphing into the sound of rainfall—a kind of "atmospheric static." But I understand this might come across as too abstract or artistic without a clearer payoff visually.
In the same way, I understand the concern with camera direction cluttering the script. I knew I would catch some flak for that. I wrote this script as a blueprint for a film I plan to direct, so I included some of those directorial choices. I do see the value in simplifying where possible, but I feel like in some cases, you want me to change up my style when both "my" version and "your" version achieve the same goal. I gave it a little personality, a little spice, to avoid sounding like an instruction manual. I balanced this as best as I could.
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Get rid of all this unnecessary direction. It's getting in the way of the narrative and of me understanding what's going on. Not to mention you'll have approx two minutes of unrelated action (a long time) before your opening credits roll. This is more of a directorial choice.
A page equals one minute, not two, right? I thought that the page count would be pretty consistent with how long the short film would be (8-10 minutes, 8 pages), so I disregarded the page-by-minute rule. I tried to be as succinct as possible in the only way I knew how, in my own style.
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FLASHBACK - INT. PORTER HOUSE - GARAGE - DAY (MOS) Flashback should really come at the end of your scene header imho. -MOS is Mit out sound which means no sound. Or, the characters are speaking but we don't hear them. Btw, it's not used much these days. Anyway, so when you launch immediately into voice-over after that heading, it confused and me and seemed contradictory.
I followed The Hollywood Standard by Christopher Riley in regards to formatting flashbacks in the slugline. Same with MOS. From what I have read, MOS means shot without sound. A voiceover would be done in post-production.
Regarding the comment about translating from head-to-page being a novice mistake, I would say that this tends to be the most difficult part about screenwriting across all skill levels, no?
Because I will direct and produce a short film regardless, I wanted some feedback on the story—because I knew that this would be something that would require the audience to, really, ponder as opposed to just being like "Oh, cool... On to the next one." If you failed to understand the story, I did something wrong as the writer, and I am sorry that I gave you a frustrating experience.
Locus should be about a woman (Brenna), trapped under the psionic influence of Nolan, a little boy with a connection to something in the static. At the crux of it all, a story about Brenna breaking free from his control.
The title is a nod to the Locus of Control, a fundamental psychological concept that refers to the degree to which people believe they have control over the events in their lives. I made this theme central to the story, as Nolan uses his abilities to rob Brenna of her agency, trapping her in a mental and emotional prison.
Admittedly, there were some backstory tidbits that I deemed too irrelevant to this "crux" to cram in, but I realize that they may be critical to understanding the story. For example, while not immediately obvious to the audience, I sprinkle in a few hints that his mother attempted to kill both him and his father, out of fear of their psionic abilities. Hence, Mom and Dad, slumped over the dinner table. This would eventually lead to his need for control (and, in some ways, revenge).
And some more obscure details, like his mom being her drug dealer. That Bible Box under the bed contained a drug stash. I originally had a voiceover that I, ironically, deemed too "cliche" and a gross attempt at exposition that said, "Did you know that his mom used to sell drugs? A Catholic saved by grace from her own addiction... I guess temptation has a funny way of coming back around." This voiceover would further clarify the relationship between Brenna and his mom, "Anyway, one of her fiends hadn't heard from her in a while. You know that story."
Here's a short script that also has big ideas which were implemented very effectively, and it was very entertaining and affecting all at the same time.
Putting aside anything from a technical standpoint, film is predominantly about moving people.This one did it very well imho.
Here's a short script that also has big ideas which were implemented very effectively, and it was very entertaining and affecting all at the same time.
Putting aside anything from a technical standpoint, film is predominantly about moving people.This one did it very well imho.
Wow! An enjoyable read! Just two different "beasts," per se. My script relies on visuals. His, on dialogue. Just two different styles. But I can see how I can implement more opportunities for the audience to connect to the characters and their situations in Locus. I had hoped that her interactions with Nolan would be her "rooting resume."
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Viable how? It's all about story imho. See what Zack has to offer, and others hopefully, to get a general consensus.
Viable, as in salvageable. Does it work now? Could it work with a few rewrites? We'll see.
Hey LC! I just wanted to let you know that I took your advice and reworked my scene description. I will wait for Zack (and/or others) to post his/their feedback to see if I should change anything else to make the story clearer.
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