Serendipity by Rex Luciano - Short, Romance, Fantasy - Neil and Angela who falls into a deja vu experiences that moves into a love when they met each other that they weren't just deja vu. It's a past life connection between them. 14 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hello Rex,
I believe is �mandatory� to state the character�s age, appearance, as well as some description to where they are, the weather, etc. I mean some more detail. I personally do like omission of these descriptions if they are not relevant to the story.

I tell you what did not work for me:
- The scene of steal wallet. It is too common. Is there another way for them to meet?
- How did Angela learn about his social media?
- James is the one who brings up the �after life� possibility. Is there a way to not �tell� but �show� it?
-IMHO, the 14 pages are just the beginning of the story, next you would need the inciting incident, act 2 and act 3 if you follow the traditional structure.

I do like this type of premise and genre. I wish there were more of them.

Cheers.

Serendipity, my favourite word. Unfortunately this one failed to live up to my hopes. There were too many instances when you move into prose rather than show not tell. You cannot read thoughts on screen. Also Angela collided with Angle too many times. Q. Why did Neil chase the guy who stole his wallet if there was nothing inside it? Also you force the narrative which makes it obvious what will happen next. So my thoughts are this: Surprise your reader with unexpected happenings otherwise it just gets too predictable. Hope my comments help to make this one better.

Thank you for all of your suggestions, and recommendations. I will try my best next time. - Rex Luciano

I liked this. It reminded me of something similar that happened to me in New York City a long time ago. I passed an oncoming woman and made fleeting eye contact. I thought she was extremely attractive. After a couple of steps, I stopped and had to turn around just to watch her walk away; to see her one more time. At that exact moment, she did the same thing. We exchanged a smile then continued on our respective paths. To this day, I wonder about what I may have missed out on by not pursuing a conversation. Being shy is overrated.

Anyway, I do have a couple of suggestions to add to the ones already here.

First, lose the watermark.

The conversation about Deja vu seemed a little forced. We all know what Deja vu means so it didn't need to be explained. Having James explain about studying different religions felt like he was making excuses about believing in it. I would have had James talk like he firmly believed in it, no excuses, and have Neil dismiss it yet wonder maybe? Just a thought.

Last, you can do without the camera direction and scene transitions. It's okay if you are producing it yourself or you have been talking  to a producer. Otherwise, you are turning away a producer.

Below is a link that I think you will find helpful. I have watched several of this person's videos. Your formatting is good so you can skip the first four minutes but there are a few things you can improve on.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HUBC57ZYKY

I like your attitude and that you replied to your comments. Sadly, too many people don't do that. I look forward to your next work and whatever edits you make to this.