District Five by Aaroh Jha - Short, Sci fi, Fantasy - {no logline}  16 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

I liked this story. The bad guys were bad. River was an admirable protagonist. The two cops seemed underpaid. The vulk was adequately scary. The story moved along nicely.

As far as the writing is concerned, there were a number of rookie mistakes. They weren't so bad as to make the story unreadable, but they were bad enough to turn off a producer.

In a couple of places, you had camera direction like slow motion that really does not push the story forward. That's the director's job to decide to use slow motion for something. Just tell us that she moves with enhanced speed and let the director decide how he wants to show that.

In a couple of places, you mention things that a character is thinking. You can't film that. For example, on page 9, the stranger (River) comes to his senses and realizes what he has done. You can do that to add color to what is happening, but you need to describe something filmable first. For example, you could write, "The stranger perks up with attention. His head is on a swivel. He knows what he has done."

On page 11, The beast is even more pissed now. How does one film that? If with this question you find yourself explaining by doing x, y and z, you should write that the creature does x, y and z and not that he is pissed.

I would read through this slowly and look for things that are worded awkwardly. For instance, River is missing a right arm. I'm pretty sure she had only one right arm to begin with. She is missing HER right arm.

There is at least one place where something had inhumane speed when I think you meant inhuman speed.

Overall, if this is your first effort as dictated at the top of this page, this is pretty good.