My Own Death by Edrick Joel Magambo - Thriller - Named the prime suspect in the murder of a famous writer, a struggling writer strives to clear his name from the law while hiding from a persistent loan shark on his tail. 94 pages - pdf, format

I read to page 8.

So technically your writing is good and that means it's technically good, meaning it's technical, meaning it (the story) is not engaging. It's not engaging because of your word choice, your camera directions, and some grammatical issues.

It might help to provide the writer with a few examples clorox.  You say it's not engaging because of his word choice, but that's of no help to him if he doesn't know what words you're talking about.

If you feel there's grammatical issues in the script then you should point them out, because otherwise he has no way of identifying specific issues.