Getaway Heist by Wayne C Hopkins - Thriller - After betraying the notorious mob he once served, a treacherous enforcer feels vulnerable as a skilful crew targets his banks, leaving him to do one thing to survive...retaliate. 110 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This looks like an interesting story. I stopped at page 32 but I will finish this. I need to find out who Travis Killturn is.

There are a couple of issues to point out from what I have read so far. The first thing I noticed is that you use passive verbs. In essence, those are verbs that end in "ing". Also, you have complicated sentences where a couple of simpler ones might read more quickly.

For an example, on page 6 you have this action line: A lawyer is standing by a car looking at a driver's license. This would read better as: A lawyer stands by a car. He looks at a driver's license.

Another example is on page 21. The first paragraph is fine but the four after that are not. The next one is four lines but only two sentences. The next paragraph is three lines and only one long sentence. The next paragraph is four lines and only two sentences. Most of it is only the first sentence. The paragraph after that is four lines and in all one long run-on sentence. I know you can clean this up. After all, you started out this page nicely.

I think if you read this slowly and carefully, you will see places where things don't read smoothly. For example, you have a sentence: A person runs along the road almost dark road, able to keep up the fast pace. Proofreading is about more than just finding typos. Sometimes it's finding extra words, missing words or sentences that sound a little goofy.

Personally, I take a few days off, sometimes more, and try to read it fresh as though I were somebody else.  I try to imagine their thoughts. It helps me catch things like this. Believe me, these kinds of sentences happen to me too. I thought I would share some advice. Whatever proofreading method you use is up to you. It's important to do it.

You have S.W.A.T. written correctly but F-B-I is not. It can be written with periods (F.B.I.) but is usually without (FBI).

As I mentioned, I will finish this. I need to find out who Travis Killturn is.

Thanks for the feedback. I hope you enjoyed finishing it. On the subject of active and passive sentences, that was really helpful, when reading though scripts i wasn't really focusing on it.