Parallelium by Melissa Field - Thriller, Horror, Psychological - A young WOMAN with PTSD begins receiving mysterious messages from an unseen force, causing her BROTHER to question her sanity. As they investigate the source, dark family secrets emerge, forcing them both to confront the truth before time runs out. 99 pages

Production: Psychological thriller/horror. Ultra low budget, single location (a house), three leads and one supporting role. All three leads are young adults in their 20's. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Quoted Text INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT RUTH, 25, stands before a hallway door. She stares dead eyed at the doorknob. She continually jiggles it, even though the door is locked. She knocks on the door and jiggles the knob harder. She is rail thin. Dark circles line under her eyes. CRYSTAL, 25, walks out of a bedroom and up to Ruth. Crystal is in her pajamas and groggy with sleep.

Put your all of your character descriptions together when we first meet them.

Before – a hallway door is a little clumsy – and you don’t even need to mention hallway since it is in your header. Should be something like:

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

RUTH (25), rail thin, dark circles under her eyes stares at a doorknob.

She turns the knob – it’s locked. She KNOCKS on the door and jiggles the knob harder.

CRYSTAL ( 25) clad in pajamas and groggy from sleep, emerges from the bedroom

This was an enjoyable read. I was kept on edge not knowing if this was going to take a paranormal twist. I wonder if it actually did and the three of them (and I) didn’t know it. The ending reminded me a little of the Wizard of Oz with Ruth’s parallel world being her Oz. The way the story bounced between the sleepwalking world and the waking world was done well. I did get lost a couple of times, but it was because I was reading too fast. When I backtracked and read carefully, it was clear.

I’m not quite qualified to give advice like Dave, but it is nice to see that he’s still around. He gives the best advice.

However, I do have a comment on some action text at the top of page 96. The car accident reads a little clumsily. I don’t think it’s wrong because it’s a clear description of what is happening. I just don’t use “voiceover” to describe a sound effect (or at least I haven’t). I tried to suggest something better, but I couldn’t. At least you didn’t use “We hear”. That just bugs me when I read that.

It’s nice to see someone use Fade in. It’s what I use and I am happy with my purchase.