Echos of the Lake by Erica - Thriller - A tragic accident, a buried secret, and a love that defies time. Three friends, bound by a dark past, find themselves facing the demons of an unsolved crime, as old loves reignite and new threats emerge from the shadows of their past.98 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Dear Erica,
the formatting is rather strange (from page to page) and you don't need chatacter caps after the person has first been seen. P9 would a flashback of the girls group photo scene show more clearly who Ellie was?
P10 "Don’t you think it was weird, she was the only one who died while we got away with it" rather gives the game away too early - maybe have - Don’t you think it was weird  the way she died . . . . and of course mis-direction of action OR narration is permissable.
I remember the disembowelling I received from Trigger Street some years ago for not using full stops!
End of Act 1 P18 is rather short and you havent really set your quest up.
Take a look at each scene as to how it moves the plot / character development forwards.
There's a number of free SP software packages available so you can upload again in the correct formatting (as is it is difficult to read!)  Best -

Thank you for the precious tips! It's true I need to upload a software!

Hey, Erica.

I read the first dozen pages.

Some notes:

Logline: How about, "Three friends, bound by a dark past, find themselves facing
the demons of an unsolved crime." -- or something like that. Give it a tune-up.
I'm just throwing something out here.

Front Page:
I would move "All rights reserved" to the bottom of the page and add an e-mail.

Format:
I bought screenwriting software before I started writing. A bit expensive, but
really worth if you're planning on writing for a while. Makes formatting so much easier,
There is free software I believe on this site.

I'm thinking, start with Victoria returning to her house. The big city glamour, divorce
and how long she's been gone, expose that in dialogue when she meets her friends. You're
partially doing this. I believe Audrey is only in the script the first 2 pages. The first
10-12 pages are slow, good to establish characters, but I was thinking, why not do a
flashback to the lake when Victoria stares at the photo. Include some more thrills,
without giving away too much. We get to meet the other girls too. We assume Ellie is dead
from the cemetery.  Or is she? just a few ideas. Have Victoria run a finger over the photo,
pausing on Ellie with dialogue, "I miss you, Ellie." Just some ideas.

I'd like to see more of a natural flow in the dialogue and trim some of the chit
chat. Alex/Victoria - 4 1/2 page of dialogue that doesn't give me too much.

Keep Action lean without losing content/clarity. Blocks of 4-5 lines or less. Keep it visual,
show to me, don't tell me.

P3: I don't get the sequences. First scene, Victoria in a bed in the house,
next she is outside with suitcases, assuming she just returned home, then she
enters the house.

Don't repeat in Action what's established in the Slug/headline (ex: house).

Periods "." missing.

Avoid "we see, when, is, isn't, seems, doesn't", redundant and tells more than show.

In Action, characters are only capped when they are introduced.

P8. You need an Action line between Kate's 2 dialogues ("I don't, and it was a long
time ago"0. Can't have consecutive dialogue blocks with the same character (I believe
this will be flagged in professional screenwriting software).

I believe ten/fifteen years might need a SUPER: (shown on the screen).

Ellie Reese gravestone marking needs to be in Action within quotation marks, not
as part of dialogue.

Use mini slugs, like in the house, moving from room to room (LIVING ROOM AND BEDROOM
are sufficient).

Remove ACT ONE, not needed and any other ACTs you've added. Start the script
with FADE IN: to the left. remove PROLOGUE.

in dialogue, thirteen instead of 13.

Walk is such a generic word. Show me how Victoria walks at the cemetery. Show me
she doesn't like cemeteries, don't tell, it's unfilmable.

These are telling me something. Show me, instead of telling me.
KATHERINE VALLANCE, she is one the girl who was in the picture.
ALEX MOORE is one of the girls in the picture.

Also, stay present tense in Action, instead of present continuous (ex: smiles instead
of smiling), makes it more active.

Give it a rewrite with the right format, I'll take another look at it. I'm curious
to know what went down at the lake. There's a story here. Needs some clean up. Keep writing.

Good luck.

Frank

Erica, download one of these. It will making screenwriting easier and format everything to Industry Standard. Some are free.

https://www.onassemble.com/blog/the-best-free-screenwriting-software