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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  Coffee shop gavotte Moderators: bert
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  Author    Coffee shop gavotte   (currently 687 views)
JtF
Posted: September 20th, 2024, 7:06am Report to Moderator
Fellowship of the Four (week challenge)


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A little something that's come out of the Aug chase challenge and newer entries entries. Updated -
Coffee shop gavotte     11 pages
Your comments please

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1TD0vgWKa0yJEvpUPoAjzyRezvF70Y2Ex/view?usp=sharing

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JtF  -  November 6th, 2024, 3:47pm
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LC
Posted: September 22nd, 2024, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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JtF, you need to CAP your characters on intro, and ages of characters might add something. I also suggest you keep your action/description passages to four lines minimum and split your descriptions into shots. When the shot changes start a new line.

I'm going to guess your choice of some words: gavotte and banquette have something to do with your heritage. It's nice to see btw, but if your intention is to write in a more universal (probably American) way and not set in an exotic location, typically a diner would have booth, counter, and table seating. I'm not saying you have to do this, just make sure there's general clarity.

This is a real ensemble piece in terms of what transpires but with two main characters at the helm. As far as drama goes it didn't quite reach any real crescendo for me. It seems like a more observational piece with an assortment of whacky characters. A gavotte is a dance, so if you're going for more of a mating ritual between these two characters it got a bit murky with all the other action.

Azazel is typically a name for a demon or devil, but this character did not appear to have much going on in terms of the supernatural. He did make some astute observations about Gina but they could also be construed as being logical and intuitive - the Resume in her bag, for example.

You could have chosen to just make this a meet-cute and focus predominately on these two characters - you might want to think about doing this?

I liked Gina's observations of him, and I liked the humour at the end of this passage re the watch:

GINA
Expensive shoes. I think a man’s
shoes shows his standing; how he
wants the world to see him. His
watch shows how he sees himself;
big, vain, complex - or is that
even a watch?

Azz flicks his arm to regard the device.

AZAZEL
This? It monitors all my vitals.
I don’t think it actually tells
the time.

The 'chase' element could be ramped up as a romantic one, otherwise I didn't really get that specific theme here.

Oh, and I didn't get the tattoo puzzle at the end.

All jmho, but I'm curious to know more of what you were going for here.


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JtF
Posted: November 6th, 2024, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
Fellowship of the Four (week challenge)


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adjusted. Bumped and updated JtF
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