Welcome, Guest. It is December 5th, 2025, 7:07am Please login or register.
The primary purpose of the SimplyScripts Discussion Board is the discussion of unproduced screenplays. If you are a producer or director looking for your next project, the works here are available for option, purchase or production only if you receive permission from the author.
NOTE: these screenplays are NOT in the public domain and MAY NOT be used or reproduced for any purpose (including eductional purposes) without the expressedwrittenpermission of the author.
The November (Feature) Challenge is over!* Please take some time to check out the Feature scripts of the challenge. Congratualtions to those who finished.
*It's not over. For those who didn't finish, you still have a great start on a script. Why not finish it?
JtF, you need to CAP your characters on intro, and ages of characters might add something. I also suggest you keep your action/description passages to four lines minimum and split your descriptions into shots. When the shot changes start a new line.
I'm going to guess your choice of some words: gavotte and banquette have something to do with your heritage. It's nice to see btw, but if your intention is to write in a more universal (probably American) way and not set in an exotic location, typically a diner would have booth, counter, and table seating. I'm not saying you have to do this, just make sure there's general clarity.
This is a real ensemble piece in terms of what transpires but with two main characters at the helm. As far as drama goes it didn't quite reach any real crescendo for me. It seems like a more observational piece with an assortment of whacky characters. A gavotte is a dance, so if you're going for more of a mating ritual between these two characters it got a bit murky with all the other action.
Azazel is typically a name for a demon or devil, but this character did not appear to have much going on in terms of the supernatural. He did make some astute observations about Gina but they could also be construed as being logical and intuitive - the Resume in her bag, for example.
You could have chosen to just make this a meet-cute and focus predominately on these two characters - you might want to think about doing this?
I liked Gina's observations of him, and I liked the humour at the end of this passage re the watch:
GINA Expensive shoes. I think a man’s shoes shows his standing; how he wants the world to see him. His watch shows how he sees himself; big, vain, complex - or is that even a watch?
Azz flicks his arm to regard the device.
AZAZEL This? It monitors all my vitals. I don’t think it actually tells the time.
The 'chase' element could be ramped up as a romantic one, otherwise I didn't really get that specific theme here.
Oh, and I didn't get the tattoo puzzle at the end.
All jmho, but I'm curious to know more of what you were going for here.