Logline: The son of a Priestess of Juno is drawn into a monumental conflict, when a pawn of the Roman Gods tires of doing his duty and decides to strike back.
Would love to get feedback on this pilot.
1. Is the story engaging in your opinion?
2. Does each major character have a character arc that could be followed in episodes to come?
3. Any advice for action lines? In particular, passages of time? How can I express this without too sudden of a shift?
4. General feedback would be great.
Thank you for taking the time to read.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rCdc_fc3nspucPYduKzBtZoL-jr7YLGV/view?usp=sharing

I like the Roman period and it can be great if done well.

Only had time to look at your first couple pages. I suggest you work on your action lines. They're a little novelesque. Pare them down to only what an audience would see on screen (eg, no thoughts, emotions, etc.).

Also, you should avoid stuff like this:

Quoted Text One of the priestesses tries to place a comforting hand on the man's arm but he shakes her advances off.

Like Yoda said, "Do or do not. There is no try."

Dear Author,
the P12 Carthage scene would make a great start. IMHO the cameo scenes to this point may resonate with schollars but you are asking your audience to follow a number of differering threads making them lose interest. So my answer to 1 above is no -  it reads as a collection of historical/mythological scenes.
If the point is "the God's have to watch and teach us" its too convaluted. (Also Leto in opener as written seems to me to be about 10 not a teenager)
2 Main's - Leto and Irabus? Their quest - against the creatures??
3 Passage of time - sort out your core group of two mains and their foils (say 2 each) and ask yourself how they will impact/move forward each scene. What has each scene to say - as linked to the plot. In your attempt to show everything the story essence is diluted. It's certainly not a pilot (yet) - JtF

Hi!

Thank you for sharing your script! Just right off the bat, I would fill out your title page to completion. It would be helpful to at least know your name, if not the contact information. I do want to say I really liked your logline—great start!

Some general feedback as I read through your script:

Since I started out in prose (novel-writing and poetry), I can appreciate the novel-esque scene description. A lot of writers with experience in both film and fiction tend to write scripts this way. You see a lot of director-writers use this style in their scripts as well. But there exists a fine line between flourish/spurts of prose and overexplaining. You have a habit of doing the latter.

For example: "Martha grabs the bucket of water and pours the contents into the well. She drops the bucket onto the grass and clasps both her hands together," could be simplified to Martha empties the bucket and prays.

Even when you do simplify, you tend to complicate the sentence structure with your choice in adverbs, adjectives, and verbs. Pick words that will pack a punch! Screenwriting thrives on clarity and precision!

When writing a script, keep the point-of-view with the audience. Also important to note that screenplays rely on visual and auditory senses only, so try to avoid focusing on sensations that cannot be conveyed through these means, such as taste, touch, or smell.

"A lavish and beautiful garden greets Leto's eyes." can be simplified to A lavish and beautiful garden. Keep setting descriptions concise and relevant.

What’s the genre of your pilot? It feels like a dramedy to me, similar to The Good Place. Clarifying this would help set the expectations for your readers.

The biggest area that needs work, IMHO, is the emotional impact, especially in key scenes. For example, I feel like you skimmed over the death of Aenas' wife, which arguably should be his and our story drive, our reason to see this to the end. As Karl Iglesias says in Write for Emotional Impact, “Hollywood is in the emotion-delivery business.�

Don’t rely on a mental image of how it will look on screen. Your focus should be on making it compelling on the page first.

Refine your dialogue until it flows naturally. Read it out loud, or better yet, act it out. It should have rhythm. Like music, like all the right notes played in just the right succession. Also, the pacing feels off, I think due to a lack of clear cause-and-effect between scenes. Remember: “Get in late, leave early.� Make sure every scene feels connected and cohesive, and moves the story forward.

1. Is the story engaging? Yes and no. The foundation is solid, but without any real payoff, it feels like things are just happening. Characters seem passive, and the plot relies heavily on tropes. It's just super predictable to me. There’s potential here, but as it stands, it’s too simple and lacks emotional weight.

2. Does each major character have a character arc that could be followed in the episodes to come? Are the major characters Aenas and Leto? If so, yes. Just very simple arcs, very predictable.