Here is a link to a sneak peek of my screenplay.  I really would love some HONEST feedback.

It's a TRUE STORY, DRAMA! It's a PDF GOOGLE DOCUMENT. First 21 pages.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1piTIudTuyx-P3OD5TQUF4ipDLCn71uJrbpEcfAQIWK0/edit?usp=sharing

Scott, I had a brief look and am going to offer you a few tips.

You're essential writing on Spec so what you first must do is download screenplay software. If you want your screenplay read and ultimately produced it needs to adhere to Industry Standard Format. It helped when I turned my screen horizontally but it's still not formatted correctly and I'm wondering what you're using to write this. Fade In should be on the left and your action lines should be left justified directly under your scene headings, you have some gaps on the page and on some dialogue streams, and there are no page numbers. Ages should be 30s not 30's.

Try trelby.org - it's free. Or take a look at these below, some cost, some are free.

https://www.onassemble.com/blog/the-best-free-screenwriting-software

Remove the red (character intros), remove the camera directions (most of them at least) things like Close Up, Cut To, Fade, credits, etc., are directorial choices. I'm not saying you have to stay away from creative choices all together but keep them minimal. Most of your Continuous headers are not continuous shots.

Continuous indicates that the action of the previous scene is continuing without a break in time, and the scene is in the same location as the previous scene. It signifies that a character's actions are happening in real-time as they move between locations or different parts of the same location.

Avoid CAPS in dialogue, go easy on the parentheticals - there are tons of them and you need to remove most. Parentheticals are primarily for clarifying, for example if it's unclear which character is being addressed in a group, and not for excessive direction. Also, if you Fade Out in a scene you need to Fade back in.

Your dialogue is very natural and your script is clean and free of typos - very easy to read.

Simply Scripts is quid pro quo so if you read other's script you're more likely to have the favour reciprocated. Some people will read and offer feedback without expecting a return read.

Alternatively you can post in the script exchange thread here:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/

It is a bit quiet around here at the moment but hopefully more people will weigh in. Feel free to ask questions, lots of tips can be found here:  https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/

Thank you. That's great feedback for me to fix.

I already made several changes to the format, as you suggested.

Can I get some feedback on the CONTENT as well?

There are tons of format issues..... But will leave that alone for now as you wanted feedback on the content.

Read the first 20 - It would be a pass for me (i.e., meaning I would not read on).

Several issues. After 20 pages, all I know is that:

Mom died...

Flashback to the past - Mom and Dad had a happy marriage and then she got pregnant with a second child that she didn't want.

She did some self harm horseback riding (which I did not find as a believable plot point at all. Think about it - she wants to lose the unborn child and she could (a) have an abortion (b) recklessly ride a horse risking a broken neck in the hope that a one in million shot a miscarriage would result). She chose b. Not a credible plot point, IMO

But again, the real problem is that we are at 20 minutes of film time and we haven't even got to the birth of the son yet.  This is way, way too slow of a cook.  

Thank you for your honest thoughts.

Yes, the whole horseback riding attempt to lose an unborn child DOES seem a bit extreme and unbelievable, but sadly...this is what happened.   Remember, this is a TRUE story.

I will keep working on this again. Thank you for your thoughts.

You are welcome - best of luck

Quoted from OneWayFilms ...Yes, the whole horseback riding attempt to lose an unborn child DOES seem a bit extreme and unbelievable, but sadly...this is what happened.   Remember, this is a TRUE story...

You bring up an interesting point with the 'true story ' angle. But I note you're using "based on a true story" which is good.

True story screenplays often include a caveat, or disclaimer, (you will likely have seen - names have been changed to protect the innocent'). This is done to enhance the storytelling and create a more compelling cinematic experience and sometimes liberties are taken above and beyond what actually happened.

Richard Gadd (Baby Reindeer) or at least Netflix have ended up in court because the series opens with the line "This is a true story". Had this been altered to "inspired by" or "based on" it's likely no defamation case would have been allowed to continue.

This also brings up the subject of 'real life' dialogue. If you transcribe people's actual words it doesn't necessarily mean that dialogue is natural or good for the purposes of a screenplay. Keep that in mind.

So, just also bear in mind for your screenplay to be successful you should aim to create a compelling narrative that honors the core events of your true story while also considering incorporating fictional elements to enhance storytelling if needed.

https://glcoverage.com/2024/08/14/creative-liberties-in-true-story-screenplays/

I had a look at the section with J'net on horseback and the aftermath in hospital. And unlike Dave I'm buying this scenario even if I didn't know it was based on fact. People do stupid things, especially when they're desperate. Who knows - abortion was probably out of the question - it is 1968, and short of creating a fictitious cliche e.g., a coathanger, this speaks to character and desperation imho. The only thing I would think about changing is re this:

I don’t think you do. Your wife’s actions today could have killed your child and seriously injured herself. If she doesn’t start seeing someone about her depression, your child might not see the light of day.

The doctor, I would have thought, would have a responsibility to address these concerns to the patient and maybe even bring in a Psych evaluation. Perhaps as the story goes on past P.20 Ray gives J'net an earful about it?

Just bear in mind you can be creative even with stories based on fact but I'd leave that scene as is. It is clearly and uniquely tied to the character.

One last thing format wise:

Take out Montage and opening credits and replace Title with Superimpose.

EXT. HORSE FARM - DAY

TITLE: BASED ON A TRUE STORY
TITLE: SEPTEMBER, 1968

Write your exterior shot.
Add a description of J'Net riding her horse.
We need a visual for those words to be Superimposed over.

Then: SUPERIMPOSE: Based on a True Story
Perhaps add what part of the country we're in, along with the year/date.

Are you filming this yourself?

Any response to what I just wrote?

Quoted from LC Any response to what I just wrote?

I’ve been held captive in the hospital (my well-worn excuse) and haven’t had a chance to read this yet. Your suggestions are always spot-on, Libby, so I’m sure I’ll agree with the above. I’ll give it a read and be back. As per Scott’s request, I will lean more toward content. I certainly am no formatting expert so it will leave that to the experts we have here.

Quoted from kcranford I’ve been held captive in the hospital...

Haha! At least you have access to expert medical care.  

Thanks for responding, Kathy! During quiet times on SS it can often feel like talking into the wind.

Quoted from LC You bring up an interesting point with the 'true story ' angle. But I note you're using "based on a true story" which is good. True story screenplays often include a caveat, or disclaimer, (you will likely have seen - names have been changed to protect the innocent'). This is done to enhance the storytelling and create a more compelling cinematic experience and sometimes liberties are taken above and beyond what actually happened. Richard Gadd (Baby Reindeer) or at least Netflix have ended up in court because the series opens with the line "This is a true story". Had this been altered to "inspired by" or "based on" it's likely no defamation case would have been allowed to continue. This also brings up the subject of 'real life' dialogue. If you transcribe people's actual words it doesn't necessarily mean that dialogue is natural or good for the purposes of a screenplay. Keep that in mind. So, just also bear in mind for your screenplay to be successful you should aim to create a compelling narrative that honors the core events of your true story while also considering incorporating fictional elements to enhance storytelling if needed. https://glcoverage.com/2024/08/14/creative-liberties-in-true-story-screenplays/ I had a look at the section with J'net on horseback and the aftermath in hospital. And unlike Dave I'm buying this scenario even if I didn't know it was based on fact. People do stupid things, especially when they're desperate. Who knows - abortion was probably out of the question - it is 1968, and short of creating a fictitious cliche e.g., a coathanger, this speaks to character and desperation imho. The only thing I would think about changing is re this: I don’t think you do. Your wife’s actions today could have killed your child and seriously injured herself. If she doesn’t start seeing someone about her depression, your child might not see the light of day. The doctor, I would have thought, would have a responsibility to address these concerns to the patient and maybe even bring in a Psych evaluation. Perhaps as the story goes on past P.20 Ray gives J'net an earful about it? Just bear in mind you can be creative even with stories based on fact but I'd leave that scene as is. It is clearly and uniquely tied to the character. One last thing format wise: Take out Montage and opening credits and replace Title with Superimpose. EXT. HORSE FARM - DAY TITLE: BASED ON A TRUE STORY TITLE: SEPTEMBER, 1968 Write your exterior shot. Add a description of J'Net riding her horse. We need a visual for those words to be Superimposed over. Then: SUPERIMPOSE: Based on a True Story Perhaps add what part of the country we're in, along with the year/date. Are you filming this yourself?

This is a wonderful response. Thank you.  Yes, I did make some minor changes to details, but the story is true. I actually had to wait until both my mother and sister passed away to feel free to TELL my story finally.  So, if something seems unrealistic, it's only because my mother was an emotionally unstable and abusive person.  

As for your suggestion for the credits, THANK YOU. I can make that change easily. You suggested taking OUT the montage during the opening credits? Or just rewording it?

My GOOD news is that I have a director who LOVED my screenplay and we are talking this weekend about the possible production of it. I've worked for her before, she is a Christian and a strong person of integrity who see's the inspirational message of healing in my story.

Quoted from OneWayFilms My GOOD news is that I have a director who LOVED my screenplay and we are talking this weekend about the possible production of it. I've worked for her before, she is a Christian and a strong person of integrity who see's the inspirational message of healing in my story.

Wow - that's unbelievable.

Congrats

Quoted from OneWayFilms I really would love some HONEST feedback.

What do you consider to be "honest" feedback?

I have a question: is this script a form of therapy for you, or are you hoping to begin a career as a screenwriter?

If it's therapy, my advice is to write, finish, forget, move on.

A few years ago, a woman tried to convince me to write a screenplay about her recent tragic experience with stillbirth. I sympathized with her, of course, but I also suggested she find a healthier way to grieve her loss. She was merely going to add a pile of rejection upon her existing pain.

It's not a rare occurrence. Many have tried to springboard from such incidents and experiences.

If you're intending to become a working screenwriter, perhaps consider something I've been saying for a long time: "Write what you know does not mean write about yourself. It means do your research."

While it's possible you may see something come of this story in the domestic melodrama niche, it's just as likely producers will pass on the autobio piece of an ordinary person. The fact is, very few of us are interesting enough to write a movie about, let alone produce one.

There are other issues with the script — formatting, etc. — but I'm sure others have already mentioned those, so I'll end this here.

Quoted from Drongo_Bum What do you consider to be "honest" feedback? I have a question: is this script a form of therapy for you, or are you hoping to begin a career as a screenwriter? If it's therapy, my advice is to write, finish, forget, move on. A few years ago, a woman tried to convince me to write a screenplay about her recent tragic experience with stillbirth. I sympathized with her, of course, but I also suggested she find a healthier way to grieve her loss. She was merely going to add a pile of rejection upon her existing pain. It's not a rare occurrence. Many have tried to springboard from such incidents and experiences. If you're intending to become a working screenwriter, perhaps consider something I've been saying for a long time: "Write what you know does not mean write about yourself. It means do your research." While it's possible you may see something come of this story in the domestic melodrama niche, it's just as likely producers will pass on the autobio piece of an ordinary person. The fact is, very few of us are interesting enough to write a movie about, let alone produce one. There are other issues with the script — formatting, etc. — but I'm sure others have already mentioned those, so I'll end this here.

OK, so those are wonderful questions and perspectives. Thank you for that.

First, no, I am not aspiring to be a professional working screenwriter. My purpose behind this is bigger than that for me.

As a child, I was physically and mentally abused by my mother, which went well into my adult life, till the day she died; she sought to hurt and abuse me. My sister sexually molested me for several months, and between both of my abusers, my life became a living nightmare. I have kept my sister's abuse a secret my whole life up until 2 years ago, after she died and my father passed away. For the first time, I can finally tell my story. Yes, this HAS been therapeutic for me, but this is still much more to me than that.

I became a Christian as a teenager and accepted the call into ministry. I have been in full-time ministry for over 30 years.  I am 55 now and had to resign my position as pastor after my sister died, who was my father's caregiver. I moved back home to care for him. In that time, I sat down and wrote a book about my experience and struggles dealing with my long-term secret of abuse and how I FINALLY learned to forgive my abusers and finally find peace in my life and move on past my abuse.  

After my book was published, I started to receive so many stories and testimonies from other victims of childhood abuse about how my book has brought healing to them and taught them how to find their own peace. My story has now inspired and helped MANY people find healing.

One of my side hobbies has been acting, and I worked as a supporting actor in a faith-based movie two years ago. I realize how powerful a faith-based movie can be and how popular faith-based movies are among Christians.  So, I decided to bring my story to a wider audience. I hope to reach and inspire more people with my testimony.

No, I never studied the art of screenwriting. No, I never learned the proper formatting skills that so many of you have perfected. I am an amateur screenwriter, but I have a hell of a story to tell that I believe can inspire many other people who are still struggling with similar experiences.

If this gets made and becomes a feature film, I will give God all the credit and glory, and I have no intention of writing past this story.

For me, this is about reaching people, inspiring people, and reaching a wider audience.  Do I need help with my format? Yes.  I admit, I do. I've never done this before.  I just hope to find people here who can help me improve what I have and not just criticize my format.

My next question is an obvious one:

"Out of the countless millions of people in America and around the world who have endured traumatic life experiences, what makes your own worth financing as a feature film?"

This is the question that will be asked by producers and investors.

Many or most of this subgenre of autobiographical stories attract backers due to the selling point of characters who are (or were) famous in real life. These have guaranteed audiences built in.

Producers and investors will also ask another question:

"Why produce this film when there are already many other films just like it?"

Your experiences are the biggest thing in your life and by their very nature intensely personal. We all have them. I do. Every other member of SimplyScripts does. Everybody who has ever lived has suffered and endured something, some time.

I don't ask these questions to discourage you. However, it's important to remember you're attempting to sell a product idea to a business that is permanently inundated with them. They will listen to your presentation and then ask these same questions of you.

Of course it may be that your film would be so inexpensive to produce (relatively speaking) that it may generate some revenue in that domestic melodrama niche. Slasher horror is a good example of a similar inexpensive-yet-often-profitable market niche. Daytime drama is another.

Just don't be too disappointed if it goes nowhere. You got your story down on paper. That in itself is pretty cathartic.

Good luck.