Time To Change by Colin Sharp - Short, Sci Fi  - A down-on-his-luck man takes a job rescuing lost time travellers -  only to discover that each mission risks unraveling history itself. 52 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Dear Colin,
nice movement of the opening visuals to the stationary model. As Jason's British he'd say something like, How so Miss Monroe? Typo wine - it's champagne!! Maybe you give too much away in this opening scene.
EXT. DELIVERY DEPOT - DAY think you mean PRESENT DAY
typo she was actual riding
FYI  INSERT: TV FOOTAGE OF KICK OFF (BLACK AND WHITE) My parents ordered a colour TV for this final. I didn't think much of the picture quality as the colour control was set far too low!
For me  this sort of works. Melvin needs a bit more - he's too much (both) Bill & Ted in this. If the USP is fixing fixes maybe start a tad smaller than rewriting the World Cup. The UK cinemas would empty at that very point! Jason's raison d'être is bedding babes before they were famous -  I suppose there are worse jobs. . . . I mean if before Debbie did Dallas, she could go Wild in Wallasey !!!
Good stuff. --

Thanks for reading JTF

Some good points to take into consideration, for sure - I've always seen champagne as a sparking wine, and wine takes up less room

Very appreciated,

Cheers fella

Alright, that was a lot of fun, can't wait for episode 2 when it comes out!

But nothing's perfect, so here are a few spelling errors I noticed: p. 7 "casion" / p. 31 "Preperation" / p. 35 "Wold cup Willy" / p. 35 "exting the tunnel" / pp. 41-42 "your" instead of "you're" / p. 44 should it be "simple Aramaic module" ? /

And wanted to share a couple of thoughts that I had while reading:

p. 7 "At least one of us knows how to deal with a boss." (Lol, as we soon find out….)

Funny that Melvin is referring to Kendra as "it" in talking to the receptionist (p. 7). An obviously toxic relationship now, I wonder what they originally saw in each other. Guess maybe in a future episode he's going to go back in time and "walk right past her"? (p. 10) (Which may even be good for her life and the person she becomes, too.)

How many episodes do you have in mind, by the way? Is this a TV series, or is there just going to be Episode 1 and the sequel?

p. 11 – M: I'm the dumbest at small talk. B: Me too – maybe dumber. I like how Melvin and Bethany complement each other so well. Don't totally love Melvin's really constant self-deprecating humor with Bethany, though. Maybe makes her have to mother him a bit too much? Not sure, and I know he'll end up changing so maybe it's fine now….

p. 16 – Liked the Mr. Titor bit.

p. 18 – a wormhole with "an actual destination"? Not sure what that means….

p. 20 – "Jalen flashes a guilty look." Look forward to finding out what he's guilty of. Not responsible for any recent U.S. presidents, is he?

pp. 21-23 – Liked the Mr. Fothergill part, with his wisdom of life. "People stop seeing you when you get old" / "I never forget to say thank you now."

p. 24 – Walter wants Jason to go back to find Summers, for the seemingly reasonable reason that "he's the only one trained to do so." But Jason is adamant about not going. I look forward to finding out why. Lots of other questions to ask about Jason, too. Apparently he's been the only operative traveling around besides Summers? And so what's he been doing on his trips, besides his checklist of actresses? Guess we'll find out….

p. 31 – M: What would be a suitable location for that? R: An area with no people. Funny (although, like Melvin, I didn't know what "unsighted" meant right off either when I first saw the word….)

p. 34 – L: You just come out of an asylum?? M: Something like that…. Good deadpan humor throughout, really enjoyable.

Fun World Cup story. He's so cockily certain, proud of himself that he already knows the outcome, and then he screws it up himself (p. 38 )!

p. 44 – "We lost contact with operative Joel Summers two days into his Domini expedition." So they keep in daily contact with their time travelers? Are they keeping in contact with Melvin?

p. 44 – Summers' objective was … "to gain some evidence of the existence of the prophet himself." But I guess there's already evidence enough to convince most people that Jesus existed, what more are they looking for?

p. 45 – W: The original device must be recovered or obliterated. Really have to wonder about that android. What's its power source, first of all? I assume Summers' device must be dead?

Also… Melvin is instructed to click "Menu, Recall, Depot, Execute" (p. 31)… so I guess there are alternatives to Depot? And to Recall as well? Meaning that if you go back in time, you can use the android to jump sometime/place else rather than return home?

p. 47 – W: [That's where] you use your covert skills Mr. Clarke. That's why we hired you. Yeah, okay, nice sarcasm, Walter… but is that really why they hired him? Because it doesn't seem like they've got anyone else, covertly skilled or not, banging on the door for this employment opportunity. For some as of now unexplained reason….

p. 50 – Melvin runs into the Big J on his first major time jump? What are the odds of that? And of course, he should probably just hit Recall as soon as…. So there's not even the slightest risk of altering the life trajectory of Jesus, which could erase a huge swath of human history and the world as we know it.

Sort of suspect somehow that he's not going to do that, though….

Really entertaining script, Colin. Good luck with it!

- Michael

Hi Colin

I started reading the script thinking it was a standalone short film. By page forty or thereabouts I realised this was the pilot episode of a series. By that stage it was becoming obvious you were running out of time to tie up loose ends, complete the payoffs to all your setups, etc. I was a bit disappointed I wasn't going to get the complete story. I suggest you at least add 'Episode 1' to the title page. This would have primed my expectations appropriately.

The prologue:

I really needed some help visualising the scene as a period setting. As it stands, I pictured the 'lavish restaurant' as modern looking. Even Marilyn Monroe wasn't necessarily clothed in period 1950s fashion; for all I knew the character looked like Marilyn but wore contemporary styling. The same would be true for the clothing fashion of other characters (e.g. waiter, other diners). Even the decor of the hotel bedroom could do with some description to stop readers from visualising a modern look. Production Designers and Art Directors would also appreciate it.

Melvin's first scene:

For whatever reason I interpreted Melvin's performance as like Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop (i.e. the smart-ass worker taking the piss out of his boss). Read it for yourself with that in mind and see if his dialogue could be fairly interpreted that way.  I dunno, perhaps it was just me.

Melvin and Jason's relationship:

How do they know each other? Are they close friends? If so, apparently Jason has been keeping his job secret from his friend all this time. But he seems rather forthcoming putting Melvin up for a top secret mission at a top secret institute. Is it a government agency? I guess it must be since the NDA threatens him with ten years detention if he contravenes it - private institutes don't get to punish NDA breakers by throwing them in prison.

Or am I over thinking this? If the comedy is like an Austin Powers or Johnny English or Jackie Chan's The Tuxedo, then a lot of these questions go away. Dummies like me need a few more clues about the broadness of the comedy, otherwise we simply think the story logic is insufficiently thought through.

page 24

Quoted Text      DOCTOR KIM-JUNG Well procured Mr Stones. Now the bigger question - how soon can we get him out there?

Who is Mr Stones? If this is Jason's surname, it's the first time we've heard of it. It's a moment of confusion. Maybe just stick with 'Jason.'

page 24

Quoted Text      DOCTOR KIM-JUNG Jason - do you believe the training will be of any benefit to Mr Clarke?

Same here: Who is Mr Clarke? Be consistent and maybe just call him 'Melvin' all the way through.

The World Cup sequence:

I'm not a football enthusiast. Perhaps that's why two pages of World Cup action seems rather discursive to me.

In general, I like the humour.

If you get a chance, have a look at the TV show Timeless which covers much the same ground. One big difference is that that show introduces a villain right up front to provide the main conflict. In your story Melvin faces a few mild antagonists, but no real villain to speak of. You might want to think about that.

Thanks for the read.  

Tim

Hey Michael,

Big thanks for reading this one and for your thoughtful, positive feedback. Chuffed that you enjoyed it

I’ll do my best answering your points/questions  â€”

Quoted Text But nothing's perfect, so here are a few spelling errors I noticed:

Thanks for spotting these - doesn’t seem to matter how many times I read my scripts, I always seem to miss typos !!

Quoted Text p. 11 – M: I'm the dumbest at small talk. B: Me too – maybe dumber. I like how Melvin and Bethany complement each other so well. Don't totally love Melvin's really constant self-deprecating humor with Bethany, though. Maybe makes her have to mother him a bit too much? Not sure, and I know he'll end up changing so maybe it's fine now….

I do tend to veer toward self-deprecating protagonists - maybe because I find them more relatable and easier to root for. That said, I realise this approach doesn’t always work, and with Melvin, it might’ve been overdone to the point of irritation. Definitely something I need to consider

Quoted Text p. 18 – a wormhole with "an actual destination"? Not sure what that means….

Yeah, should address that passage of dialogue - not really making any sense.

Quoted Text p. 20 – "Jalen flashes a guilty look." Look forward to finding out what he's guilty of. Not responsible for any recent U.S. presidents, is he?

Haha, love the ‘Not responsible for any recent U.S. presidents’ line. No, the guilty look is actually meant to reflect Jason’s misuse of time travel - specifically, using it just to hook up with the famous women on his list.

Quoted Text p. 24 – Walter wants Jason to go back to find Summers, for the seemingly reasonable reason that "he's the only one trained to do so." But Jason is adamant about not going. I look forward to finding out why.

You make a good point—in my mind, Jason’s reluctance to rescue Summers comes from finding that particular era genuinely terrifying. But I realise I haven’t shown or clarified that anywhere in the story. Definitely something I need to think about incorporating.

Quoted Text p. 44 – "We lost contact with operative Joel Summers two days into his Domini expedition." So they keep in daily contact with their time travelers? Are they keeping in contact with Melvin

Another good point. No, I don’t want the operatives to have any communication with the institution while time traveling. I think I need to revise that line—rather than saying ‘lost contact,’ I should say something like ‘Joel Summers didn’t return from his Domini expedition.

Quoted Text p. 44 – Summers' objective was … "to gain some evidence of the existence of the prophet himself." But I guess there's already evidence enough to convince most people that Jesus existed, what more are they looking for?

I was thinking visual confirmation—maybe even some sneaky photographs of the Prophet in action—but I’m now leaning toward dropping that line and changing it to something simpler, like "and perhaps to sight the Prophet himself".

Quoted Text p. 45 – W: The original device must be recovered or obliterated. Really have to wonder about that android. What's its power source, first of all? I assume Summers' device must be dead?

Yeah, good point—if these androids are battery-powered like most portable devices, then Summers’ device would likely have died by now. I don’t think I need to worry about the device—just Summers.

Quoted Text Also… Melvin is instructed to click "Menu, Recall, Depot, Execute" (p. 31)… so I guess there are alternatives to Depot? And to Recall as well? Meaning that if you go back in time, you can use the android to jump sometime/place else rather than return home?

Nah, I wouldn’t want the Android to be an interactive time machine itself. Just the device that commenses time travel and returns the operatives back in to the Casimer when their done. I need to be clearer on this

Quoted Text p. 47 – W: [That's where] you use your covert skills Mr. Clarke. That's why we hired you. Yeah, okay, nice sarcasm, Walter… but is that really why they hired him? Because it doesn't seem like they've got anyone else, covertly skilled or not, banging on the door for this employment opportunity. For some as of now unexplained reason….

Yeah, I totally get where you’re coming from. I guess Jason’s overhyping of Melvin’s abilities was enough to convince them, and the institution tends to keep things very close-knit. But I can’t lie - as it stands, Melvin’s acquisition of the role might stretch credibility a bit.

And finally, I saved this question till last —

Quoted Text How many episodes do you have in mind, by the way? Is this a TV series, or is there just going to be Episode 1 and the sequel?

So, I only intended to write a pilot based on this premise - more as the start of a potential television series rather than a two-parter. It was actually an idea my brother came up with a while ago, and I saw it as a good writing exercise to try developing a pilot script from his concept. It’s one that I’ve left dormant for a while but I recently re-visited it.  Think I should look for a suitable competetion to enter it in… and come nowhere, lol

You’ve raised a number of legit points, and thier most apprewacited. I also want to thank you for the encouraging tone in your feedback - it’s always great to hear.

I’ll be on the lookout for your work so I can return the favour

Hey Tim,

Really appreciate you reading and commenting - thanks for taking the time.

Quoted Text I suggest you at least add 'Episode 1'

Ah, yeah. To not mention that this is a series pilot was naughty on my part - sorry about that, my bag, and good point!

Quoted Text For whatever reason I interpreted Melvin's performance as like Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop

Yeah, as you’ve probably guessed, that wasn’t the effect I was going for - he’s meant to come across as sincere, if a little off-kilter, in that exchange. I’ll need to take a closer look at that passage to make Melvin’s tone and mood clearer.

Quoted Text How do they know each other? Are they close friends?

I think I should incorporate somewhere that the two have been friends since childhood—just to reinforce the depth of their friendship and help justify why Jason would push for Melvin to get a job he’s probably not qualified for. Jason’s meant to be a bit casual and careless in his actions, so that dynamic could help it all feel more believable.

Quoted Text Is it a government agency?

I'll have to go with YES... or seriously consider revising that line

Quoted Text Or am I over thinking this?

Maybe - but your points are totally valid. The world I’m building definitely needs to border on tongue-in-cheek. Kind of like in Back to the Future or Bill & Ted's - it’s set in the real world, but not quite., if you know what I mean

Quoted Text Who is Mr Stones? If this is Jason's surname, it's the first time we've heard of it. It's a moment of confusion. Maybe just stick with 'Jason.'

Agreed - and the same goes for Melvin. If I decide to use their surnames, I’ll make sure to include both first and last names to avoid any confusion.

Quoted Text I'm not a football enthusiast. Perhaps that's why two pages of World Cup action seems rather discursive to me.

Yeah, sadly, that segment of the story may not land for those who care little for football/soccer - I guess it is what it is - more than two pages I believe too  

Quoted Text If you get a chance, have a look at the TV show Timeless which covers much the same ground.

I wasn’t aware of that show, but I’ll be sure to check it out. If the premise is quite similar, I guess I’ll just have to take that on the chin. As for villains, that’s probably not the direction I’d want this show to go in - the real threat is more the perils of time travel itself. That said, there would still need to be antagonists along the way, of course.

Again, big thanks for the read and comments, Tim. I'll be happy to return the favour if you chose to post your work here

Quoted from ColinS I wasn’t aware of that show, but I’ll be sure to check it out. If the premise is quite similar, I guess I’ll just have to take that on the chin.

Don't worry about it. The premise is generic enough I don't think anyone can own it.

A secret organisation uses a time machine to send operatives into the past to repair alterations to history.

I can think of several TV shows off the top of my head: The Time Tunnel, 12 Monkeys (TV series), Timeless, even Loki. And then there are all the movies.

What will differentiate your story is the humour. Apart from Loki, the others all concentrated on the action/thriller aspect.

Tim

Hi, Colin.

Glad to know you found some of what I said useful.

Also happy to have you read my script when I post it. Which should be pretty soon (it'll be the one about a hypnotist, unless there are more than one).

All the best,

Michael

Will keep an eye out for it Michael  

Bumping this, Colin, and will have a review for you by week's end.

That would be awesome Gary, thanks.

Look forward to your thoughts - and of course, wisdom

TIME TO CHANGE by Colin Sharp

51 pages
_________

   ***SPOILERS exist throughout this review.  Also, not going over the typos. Others have already pointed them out.

You might SUPER the year or time period since there is so much time hopping.

OPENING HOOK (first 3 pages) — You got me. I’m no Marilyn Monroe fan, but let’s face it, the bombshell as a character to start the film is both a curious and arousing choice. I enjoyed the dinner scene with MM and Jason for the most part. However, Jason’s character plays somewhat flat/predictable, while Marilyn come’s off as effervescent, authentic and observant. (Colin, I think you really captured Marilyn’s personality!) — She see’s through Jason accurately.
Considering that Jason is from the future, he should know Marilyn’s secrets and might exploit them.

Shag List:  Doris Day is off the list? I’d do her before the queen, Anna (Anne?) Boleyn. Hepburn, Garland?? Hmm…  no Linda Darnell, Hedy Lamar or Garbo? Ha ha. I think Jason is just warming up. His list must be infinite.

SUGGESTIONS: Change Jason’s profession. Instead of a boring journalist, try a filmmaker, casting director, agent, manager, talent scout, etc. Someone Marilyn will want to impress.
-  What about having her audition a line or two at the dinner table. Could be entertaining.

Finally, I wouldn’t mind seeing a scene with Jason transporting back to the future in the Chamber. Even if it’s a simple as him entering an elevator, doors close and he’s gone when the doors open. Then we see that he is a time traveler.

**Okay, as much as I like what you’ve done in 3+ pages, there is an issue with Jason that works against your story. However, you have an element later in your story that can resolve this issue. More on this when we get there…
________

Pages 4-9

My least favorite part of the script.  Melvin gets treated like garbage by his boss and then  (sorry for the offensive expression) pussy-whipped by Kendra. Colin, the trouble here is that it is toxic relationship by the numbers. I just read a friend’s script with an almost exact dynamics.
Back-to-back abuse from boss, followed by the significant other.

I don’t mind Melvin getting emasculated by Kendra, but maybe you can create a different work scenario. Maybe his boss is sympathetic, but Melvin is not valued by the company. So his hours are slashed.
What really rankles me is when Melvin accepts the ultimate disrespect: seeing the casino manager screw his wife and not reacting. Come on. I can’t root for a guy with no spine. No self-respect.

Maybe you can surprise us with an unexpected move… such as Melvin taking a photo of Kendra and the casino honcho in action. Mel doesn’t have to say a word. The threat of that image going viral speaks volumes, so I think.
___________

Pages 9-14

—  Establishing the friendship between Jason and Melvin.

The bar scene offers nothing surprising. Even the scene with the women. Why can’t Jason be attracted to Bethany? And Melvin ends up with the tall blonde? Mel and Beth can still get together in the end. Hmm, just a thought.

Anyway, I do like the budding relationship between Melvin and Bethany.  She is more than a worthy replacement over Kendra. I wonder how Bethany factors into a movie/series in which Melvin is time traveling a lot. We shall see.

As for the small talk between Mel and Beth, you could input a bit of body language: glances, smiles, eye contact.  Their connection doesn’t have to be strictly word-based.

Melvin lives in an apartment.  With Kendra? Jason is crashing there after a night drinking, etc. Melvin doesn’t seem worried about Kendra, so I guess she is at work.
So, the blonde “passed out,� according to Melvin. Did Bethany take her home?

Have Melvin already watching the ’66 World Cup when Jason awakens.
______________

Pages 14-

—     The Science Institution

Jason shares with Melvin the idea of time travel and working P/T at the institution.


I suggest cutting back on the dialogue some and have the Doc give a time travel demonstration.

On page 15, in the following as Melvin is filling  out a NDA, what does Jason mean?

               MELVIN
     Ten years detention??

               JASON
     Never gonna happen. And even if it did,
     I could just pop back in time and sort it.

On page 16, Doc Kim-Jung is introduced as being “oriental.� That is an outdated term that has been replaced by “Asian.�

Instead of telling us that Mr. Titor traveled 20 minutes into the future, DEMONSTRATE.
Time Travel has existed for 7 years (bottom of page 16).

Kim-Jung says nobody outside of the institution is aware of his time-travel breakthrough. So, what is Kim-Jung’s goal/objective?

Middle of page 17 — you describe “an oriental scientist� sits nearby, glued to his monitor…

                         Doctor Kim-Jung
                    This is the Casimir.

I know that he’s referring to the oven-like chamber, but the placement of words is awkward.

Top of page 18, there is an exposition dump:  lots of scientific data.  Necessary?
Might be better to get to the LOST OPERATIVE Summers.

Page 20 — Why does Kim-Jung speculate that sending someone back to collect the stranded operative —
                         DOCTOR KIM-JUNG
               I’m confident it will be simplistic for someone with
               your background — reconnaissance and all…

Isn’t the lost time traveler’s situationa result of an unstable wormhole?

Page 21 — I’d prefer they not discuss $$ per (rescue) assignment.  

Good scene with Bethany. You are setting her up for something later.

Page 24 —  Why is Walter so negative about Melvin going back to rescue Summers?  Ready or not, Melvin is all they have. So, it seems Walter wants “Jasonâ€� to be the rescue operative.
Wait, is Walter saying (bottom of page 24) that Jason is trained to rescue lost operatives??

There is mention of Melvin undergoing TRAINING. I think it would be great to  seei a scene of Melvin in training.

Page 25 —  What about checking Melvin’s credentials?
Page 28 —  Melvin in his apartment, watching Back to The Future.  Okay, but what happened to Kendra?  Did I miss something. I thought they were together?
Page 31 —  Mr. Radinski is Asian?
Pages 32 - 39
               Wembley Stadium to see the ’66 World Cup game.
On page 38 -  Melvin shouts “Smash it, Geoff!â€� - which turns out to distract Hurst into missing a goal.  What if Melvin adds something unique, such as “Smash it for Claire!â€�
Hurst’s daughter Claire wasn’t born until 1969, but what if her name already resonates with him? Just a thought. But that would definitely get his attention.

Page (note:  top of page 2, Marilyn addresses Jason with “darling.â€�  Page 34, the lady that replies to Melvin’s inquiry about the date, also uses “darling.â€�
     Also, on the bottom of page 34, you have Young Lady and Lady.  I think they are one in the same (?).

Pages 40-52
—     Melvin returns to the present, but has altered reality by changing the outcome of the ’66 World Cup.  He also  prepares for and is then sent back to the era of Christ.
__________________

Colin, I enjoyed the read. While time travel is not among my favorite movie themes, if done right, I’d likely watch it. My advice is to tighten the 52 pages, use your creativity to craft a more compelling story line and definitely raise the stakes.
Focus on making this a killer part 1. I’m somewhat familiar with your creative mind, and I’m not seeing the real Colin Sharp on these pages. Again, I think it’s because you’re holding back some, planning to close strong in part 2.
Forget about part II for now. Focus on making Part I spectacular.

I don’t see this as a comedy, but more in the vein of Raiders of the Lost Ark, which was sprinkled with humor.

You have three characters that seem to take the story in different directions. I thought Jason was going to be a key player, but his role is reduced to time hopping to shag women. He doesn’t care to “collect� lost time travelers and so, fades into the background.

Melvin is the designated collector and the hero of your journey. But what about his newly found love interest in Bethany?  I guess that will be revealed in part 2.
If the 7-year-old time travel program is controlled by the government, the objectives would be significantly different in terms of motivations, goals, control and invested manpower.

Not sure that Kim-Jung’s primary objective is to send back a lone operative  to confirm the existence of Christ. What evidence is Summers’ supposed to return with? I do like the fact that he is “lost.â€� Should be fun to discover is whereabouts.

The World Cup match is an interesting choice to help drive this story. I’m not a football fan, so have no overall interest. It does go on for too long in my opinion. Colin, I get the impression you are a big fan and maybe had that sports segment in mind before you wrote this story. It almost seems you built the time travel story around the ’66 World Cup.

At first, I found the match an annoyance. After rethinking, I actually think it is a fascinating midpoint to your 2-part story. England’s reversal loss to Germany creates an interesting TWIST.
That alteration in history is much bigger than I initially thought. I have this theory that a great writers includes something in his/her story that on the surface seems insignificant. Closer inspection reveals something brilliant.

I think you wrote that football game, whether consciously or subconsciously, to change the course of your story. Take advantage of that. When Melvin returns from his fiasco ’66 game experience, his world has changed. Not just the score, but the world around him.

Alternate reality: I say the ripple effect includes how Jung-Kim’s time travel program is not government controlled, but privately funded by a Musk-type billionaire (Mr. Summers?). A covert operation. This guy might be a profiteer who wants something from the the era of Christ. But what? Maybe his son is Jason, is sent back for this artifact. Now Melvin has a stronger motivation to go back and rescue his friend.

That’s just one angle. You can do whatever you want, Colin. I only implore you to use the alternate reality that Melvin creates as a plot point. Raise the stakes, go for the throat. Everything is possible. Can’t wait to see where your creative juices take you.

Not mentioned previously, but you have a lot of male characters in there
30s —  Jason, Melvin, Walter, Mr. Radinski.  What do you think? Maybe the
institution could use a fresh female face - Bethany?

There is something devious about Walter.
He has the potential to be your antagonist. Maybe Walter sabotaged
the Domini project — is responsible for Summers' disappearance. He
might also be selling company secrets. Think about it. That would
boost his character from stock to semi-shock.  
You might already be going in this direction, for all I know.