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Supermarket Armageddon (currently 1442 views)
Don
Posted: September 20th, 2005, 8:28pm
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So, what are you writing?
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Supermarket Armageddon by AA Eguavon - Short - When George Bartlett opens a new superstore and decides to give an offer of 60 percent of everything in the store on opening day all hell breaks loose and the customers are willing to do just about anything to get their hands on the cheap goods. - fdr, format
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Martin
Posted: September 21st, 2005, 6:08pm
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I opened this in FD7 and some of your text was off. You had some action as a scene heading, some dialogue as action etc. You can reformat this quite easily in FD. A few typos and spelling errors. It should be 'Come on' not 'Common'. The BOLD MAN should be a BALD MAN unless you're referring to his personality. It should be 'Phil waves' not 'waives' (V.O) is not sufficient for a character heading. Since you introduce Alan immediately after his first speech, you might as well use his name here. The dialogue is good and for the most part it sounds authentic, especially the TV presenter. Your description is pretty solid too. Overall, a pretty good short. You write well but I wasn't all that engaged in the story.
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AA Eguavon
Posted: September 22nd, 2005, 5:36am
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yeh it's a first draft so it still needs abit of work corrections etc
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jerdol
Posted: September 22nd, 2005, 11:12am
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I can't read it in fdr format. In the future, you might want to consider using a more common format (like .doc or .pdf) to get more reviews. Just my 2 cents.
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Helio
Posted: September 22nd, 2005, 12:13pm
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!
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I like the central idea, but I think maybe if you got the characters bewildering inside the turmoil, It should be like a blackhearted story...
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AA Eguavon
Posted: September 22nd, 2005, 1:07pm
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I'll try and translate it to pdf for those who want to read it
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AA Eguavon
Posted: September 22nd, 2005, 1:29pm
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does anyone know how to translate a fdr document to a pdf document?
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Martin
Posted: September 22nd, 2005, 2:35pm
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In FD7 you can save as PDF, RTF, or HTML. The PDF file sizes are huge but if you save as RTF you can use a free online converter such as CutePDF- do a google search.
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AA Eguavon
Posted: September 23rd, 2005, 6:01am
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thanks for the tip spieler
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