Bad Situations - Print Topic

Hey Leon.

So quite a few problems to start.  You logline is pretty dull and from the looks of it, incomplete.

No need to number the scenes and a lot of your action lines contain unfilmables.  We can't know right off the bat that Jack isn't the computer savvy type so you'll have to illustrate that somehow.

Your slugs are also an issue.  Some don't have a time while others aren't formatted properly.  I don't like bringing up the technical aspect of script writing too much but when it's like this, I have to point it out.  Also, if you fade out, you have to fade in as well.  Most of the time, you'll have that fade in at the start of your story and continue all the way until the end where you use that fade out (though some people don't even use it).  If the fade out isn't needed, just don't use it.

A lot of your first page deals with too much unnecessary details.  Is it really important that everyone's working on architectural designs?  I grasped what company he worked for after that first passage so no need to come back to it repeatedly.  If it is important, spread it out and spend page 1 wisely as it's crucial to hook the reader early.

Drunk blonde should be capitalized as she has dialogue.  Also the quote should be a SUPER.  You also don't need quotes in your dialogue unless they're quoting something or someone themselves.

Stopped after page 2.  Read a few scripts on this site and a few pro scripts and get a feel for how it's done.  I don't mean to sound negative but the formatting is just not there and neither is the story, sorry to say.  Keep at it and you'll get it.  Best of luck to you.

Johnny