Fuck Off, Aliens by Matthew Taylor (Matt) writing as Sorry for the language - Short, Comedy - 10 minutes until Earth is destroyed and a bewildered custodian is forced to clean up the mess by convincing the alien destroyers that Humans are worth saving. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi,

The logline got my attention so I read this script. It seems that this script lacked a person  doing something good for someone to get a superpower.

Comedy is the most difficult genre to write because it isn't easy to make us laugh .  Writing a scene about a woman trying to persuade an alien not to end the world is very hard because it should have two important factors that make the scene work: Urgent and Funny.  As aliens are going to attack us very soon,  the atmosphere should be very urgent but the scenes between an alien and Leina lacked it and the scenes  weren't funny enough. Putting these two important factors together is difficult because you have to balance the two.

Hope you don't mind my straightforward comments. However,  the idea is good. I suggest you add more actions to the scenes  and cut down some dialogues. Lenia is an interesting person but you didn't make the alien interesting enough.

Hope this help.

Michael

Hello.

Nice twist ending, but if he was a human and not an alien, where's the story? The basic premise is a good one, though.

Well, he's obviously a Custodian of the Alien race.

This was funny. Bits I could do without but that's part of cringe comedy too.

Loved that you used Coldplay. Loved Leina.
The Hanson joke was funny but you need that in dialogue somewhere.
I didn't split my sides laughing but I did enjoy it and with the right cast and delivery it would work well. Maybe a couple more jokes...

Stoopid humans.

Love, love the title page too!
My fav of the four I've read so far.

Ahoy writer,

As you should be - I'm offended by the language. ;D ;D ;D

I liked the writing. It is crisp, clean and you don't waste words. It read fast and was a delight to read. So I like your sense of humor, so I know that you are not just capable of being funny, but that you actually are funny. But... and I say this humbly,  felt the comedy felt a little flat.  The story is there. Still enjoyed it. Best of Irish Luck!-A

All is good here. Beautiful ending, snappy dialog, well all. Funny, nice characters...
I think if I saw Star Wars if would be even better. No, it's already better
Great great job as a stand alone script

But who did what good did and what superpowers he got and how he saved the planet? Leina's singing maybe.  But what's the superpower then?
Hmm

Maybe someone will jump in to explain?

Love the title and cover page, you have my attention.

This is well written crisp and sharp and well-paced too.

Very nice job.

But I'm not sure it really meets the criteria fully... does she get a super-power? Maybe being able to speak Alien isd it, but she then doesn't use it stop the attack either, she fails, super-power or not.

High marks for the tale!

Cute and funny script (language noted and forgiven).  I also am a fan of your cover page - good job on that as well! Unfortunately, I have to agree that I didn't identify the superpower granted or the fact that it saved the world. Maybe I missed it?  You had some really great comedic lines here.  Enjoyed the read - sorry if I missed any clue to the super power, but good luck with this and thanks for sharing!

This was a clever story well written but sadly falls short of what the OWC parameters   ask for.


Did she do something good or was just asked to talk to the alien who in turn gave her the capabilities to understand him?

Which in turn also didn't save the planet??

It had some funny lines here and there but didn't work for me as far as an entry goes

Okay, phew, I thought I really missed something because I don't know what she did for a good deed and what superpower was granted.

I did like the wetter/drier joke. Points!

Otherwise, I'm kind of lost on this entry. Correct formatting and snappy dialogue may not be enough. Good luck, writer!

No dog in the fight here, as I wasn't brave enough to accept the OWC... but,

1. Attempting to return the paper is the good deed.

2. Getting the ability to speak alien is the superpower.

3. The third parameter doesn't say they have to be successful. Just says they use the superpower to try and save the world: “What if?” After you’ve done your good deed and received your chosen superpower, this day, of all days, just happens to be the day the world is going to end. A disaster of cataclysmic magnitude is hours, maybe minutes, away, and you’re literally the only one who can stop it, and you must stop it with your newfound power. So…What are you going to do?

Like I said, I don't have a script in the challenge, but I thought if I were the writer of this, I'd be going crazy reading the comments right now. So, whoever the writer is... I'm here to fight the good fight for you.

All that said...

I enjoyed this one. Favorite so far. (Not that I get a vote.)

Quoted from PKCardinal No dog in the fight here, as I wasn't brave enough to accept the OWC... but, 1. Attempting to return the paper is the good deed. 2. Getting the ability to speak alien is the superpower. 3. The third parameter doesn't say they have to be successful. Just says they use the superpower to try and save the world: “What if?” After you’ve done your good deed and received your chosen superpower, this day, of all days, just happens to be the day the world is going to end. A disaster of cataclysmic magnitude is hours, maybe minutes, away, and you’re literally the only one who can stop it, and you must stop it with your newfound power. So…What are you going to do? Like I said, I don't have a script in the challenge, but I thought if I were the writer of this, I'd be going crazy reading the comments right now. So, whoever the writer is... I'm here to fight the good fight for you. All that said... I enjoyed this one. Favorite so far. (Not that I get a vote.)

Ditto to all that. Couldn't have said it better myself!

PK, you do get to vote if you read and review a fair few.

Quoted from dawnpisturino Hello. Nice twist ending, but if he was a human and not an alien, where's the story? The basic premise is a good one, though.

I believe he IS an alien, just a custodian alien for the aliens. Like Liena is for humans. That's all.

I agree with most comments that this is well written, and I found it funny and engaging. I just was waiting for the criteria to be met: a superpower given and the world is saved. Did not happen.

That said, great story idea and well executed, except for lacking the criteria.
All the best!

Quoted from PKCardinal No dog in the fight here, as I wasn't brave enough to accept the OWC... but, 1. Attempting to return the paper is the good deed. 2. Getting the ability to speak alien is the superpower. 3. The third parameter doesn't say they have to be successful. Just says they use the superpower to try and save the world: “What if?” After you’ve done your good deed and received your chosen superpower, this day, of all days, just happens to be the day the world is going to end. A disaster of cataclysmic magnitude is hours, maybe minutes, away, and you’re literally the only one who can stop it, and you must stop it with your newfound power. So…What are you going to do? Like I said, I don't have a script in the challenge, but I thought if I were the writer of this, I'd be going crazy reading the comments right now. So, whoever the writer is... I'm here to fight the good fight for you. All that said... I enjoyed this one. Favorite so far. (Not that I get a vote.)

So what about, "...and you must stop it with your newfound power."? That sounds like someone must stop the world from ending with a superpower.

This is straight out of Tim Burton's 1996 film MARS ATTACKS. Writer may I Suggest you tweak this into a comedy, give it more length, and presto we'll be sitting in post pandemic theater seats instead of watching on a streaming platform.
It really is very funny. If in fact SPOOK pushed Leina into the interrogation room thinking she had all the power, she either had it but didn't use it...OR, she didn't have the power.
SPOOK was really the more interesting character...which made me think he might have had the power from the get go. Maybe not. Just an interesting character like the alien. Poor fellow was just a custodian like Leina.
Lots of comedic lines made me think I didn't want to see the world destroyed. Had that happened, we would have lost both ALIEN and Leina.
Good job writer;. Be sure to enter the next OWC. I need more laughs.

I think this is why I didn’t put too many parameters in, and I actually killed one.

“So… What are you going to do?”

Whether intentional or not, I think that line kinda leaves it open for our protagonist to succeed, fail or otherwise.

So, based on what I’ve read in the comments only, this writer is all good here.

Quoted from castguy So what about, "...and you must stop it with your newfound power."? That sounds like someone must stop the world from ending with a superpower.

Good point.

My take though, is that these challenges are less legalistic in their interpretation of parameters, and more about how you can bend them creatively. To me, that's part of what makes them fun. How can you "meet" the parameters while stretching them to their limits?

Anyway, everyone gets to decide for themselves. So, if you decide different, vote accordingly. That's also what makes it fun!

Quoted from LC PK, you do get to vote if you read and review a fair few.

Thanks, LC. I've read a handful, but not sure if I'll get to enough by the end of the week. If I do, I'll request a ballot!

Quoted from castguy So what about, "...and you must stop it with your newfound power."? That sounds like someone must stop the world from ending with a superpower.

My wife tells me I must take out the bins, doesn't mean I do it in time.

I have just finished reading "Still Life" and the superpower fails to save the world in that one too, but I didn't see anyone complain about it in that thread.

Hi writer

I am in love with that title page!! I wish more people moved away from the "normal"

The bringing back of the paper is easily missed as it plays no other role in the story. It would be nice if this piece of paper was integrated into the storyline somehow, as it is a comedy he could have dropped anything really, paper seemed a bit bland, maybe he could have dropped part of this torture device he mentioned?  (Which also never materialized)

Quick read, looks simple to film, story had me engaged to the end. Not much more to add really.

Best of luck

I found this to be well formatted and some funny dialogue. I do think that the parameters were skirted a bit, the piece of paper that fell out of the Spook's folder, but never mention of Leina returning it, plus the Alien is the one who gives her the power to speak his language, so...

But then again, perhaps they already spoke the international language from the island of, Janitore.

Some funny stuff. Wonder how things worked out for Bob?

I think SPOOK had the power as he was concerned about LIENA being placed in the interrogation room so she could talk the ALIEN out of destroying the earth. Then again, when spook was concerned with the language, she tells him they're not speaking English, but technospeak so she can understand his language. This reminds me of a 1980's film ENEMY MINE where two protagnist are on a planet and talk to themselves because they can't understand each other, so they make up a common language they both can understand.
Funniest line for me was at the end when the Alien asks Liena why would she think the Alien would listen to him since he was just a janitor.
Good submission though with an interesting premise. Could be easily filmed as talking heads so the visuals can be manipulated a bit.
Enjoyed the read.

Hi writer

Funny set up and some nice and tidy writing on display so an absolute breeze to read.

I very much enjoyed Leina's character, it kinda feels like the 'saving the planet' task is a bit of a hindrance to her and she would rather crack on with the more important job of mopping the floor lol.

Now it seems that Leina's superpower is to translate alien language into English for both her and the viewer. I think onscreen this might be a little confusing and just look like the alien speaks English and would therefore make the superpower redundant. I just wonder whether it should be subtitled?

Anyway the above is no deal breaker, this was a fun and entertaining piece of work, well done, good luck.

What a great Hanson reference. Great payoff with the custodian reference. Maybe there are some lines that can be trimmed with the agent, but a fun read overall.

Quoted from PKCardinal No dog in the fight here, as I wasn't brave enough to accept the OWC... but, 1. Attempting to return the paper is the good deed. 2. Getting the ability to speak alien is the superpower. 3. The third parameter doesn't say they have to be successful. Just says they use the superpower to try and save the world: “What if?” After you’ve done your good deed and received your chosen superpower, this day, of all days, just happens to be the day the world is going to end. A disaster of cataclysmic magnitude is hours, maybe minutes, away, and you’re literally the only one who can stop it, and you must stop it with your newfound power. So…What are you going to do? Like I said, I don't have a script in the challenge, but I thought if I were the writer of this, I'd be going crazy reading the comments right now. So, whoever the writer is... I'm here to fight the good fight for you. All that said... I enjoyed this one. Favorite so far. (Not that I get a vote.)

I could’ve kissed you when I read this  :K)

Quoted from Matthew Taylor I could’ve kissed you when I read this  :K)

Ha! That's awesome.

I've been on the other side of this, so I just had to jump in. Sometimes it feels like the comments get a momentum to them, good and bad. Just wanted yours to be judged for what I felt was in there.

Hope this gets made! Wouldn't be too difficult.

Quoted from PKCardinal ... I've been on the other side of this, so I just had to jump in. Sometimes it feels like the comments get a momentum to them, good and bad. Just wanted yours to be judged for what I felt was in there. Hope this gets made! Wouldn't be too difficult.

I second that!
I think a few of us have been on the end of the tide turning with comments.
No secret this was a favourite of mine too so I wanted to comment before it got lost.
Matt, despite your character description, specifically Leina being the size of a house,  I pictured Sally Hawkins in the role the whole way - something of the quirkiness of her in The Shape of Water came instantly to mind, except Aliens not Amphibians.

All the best with this.