Merry-Go-Round by Steven Sallie - Short, Comedy - Ben goes to hell only to find out it's an eternal merry-go-round where you relive every horrible moment from your life. Now he'll do everything he can to prove he doesn't belong here.  5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

SPOILERS



Steven, I started reading this and I thought, this is terrific.

All right, Benjamin Janisse. First memory stop is
walking in on your parents having sex when you were six.

This is his first bad deed?
Hardly a sin.
I have to suspect you're going for a comedic element here but it didn't land for me.

BEN
But, what did I do? I thought I was a pretty good person?
I wasn’t a saint, but I didn’t think I was a terrible person.

You had me in the palm of your hand with this line. Your premise is terrific, your character and situation pulls at the heart strings... I want to know how he ended up here - clearly some bureaucratic error  :D ...

But I felt ripped off.
Genre is comedy? Even if Black comedy -
This reads to me as if Act 3 is yet to come.
As is, honestly, I just feel it's an incomplete story and too grim.

Great setup though.