I'm Not Chicken by Michael Godby (D.A. Banaszak) writing as That Guy Who Uses Febreze for Cologne - Short, Comedy - A Young man with a dangerous obsession becomes involved with an older woman with an unfortunately compatible fetish. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Writer,

Dusty and Boopsie are like two peas in a pod. Well written of course, and while I liked the humor and did enjoy this for the most part according to this...

Quoted Text One day at work, you discover something that wasn’t meant for yours, or anyones, eyes. A carefully laid out plan of extremely wicked and gruesome proportions. Dates and times. It’s crazy. It’s extraordinarily evil. And it was left behind by the person you’ve been dating. So… Armed with this knowledge, you feel compelled to stop it. You must. But how? And what about that strange little addiction you have, hmm?

You haven't met all the parameters. Someone correct me if I'm wrong unless we're relaxing the parameters.

All the best.

Ghost

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Writer, Dusty and Boopsie are like two peas in a pod. Well written of course, and while I liked the humor and did enjoy this for the most part according to this... You haven't met all the parameters. Someone correct me if I'm wrong unless we're relaxing the parameters. All the best. Ghost

While I’d normally say if the story is great, it’s great, however, that wouldn’t really be fair to the other writers who met all the parameters. That said, bending the rules a little I think is okay. Then again, I’ve never scored a script high that NL atantly disregarded the parameters.

Score it the way you see fit.

Quoted from SAC While I’d normally say if the story is great, it’s great, however, that wouldn’t really be fair to the other writers who met all the parameters. That said, bending the rules a little I think is okay. Then again, I’ve never scored a script high that NL atantly disregarded the parameters. Score it the way you see fit.

Gotcha! We'll do so fairly, as it should be.-A

That one I did see coming.  The cooking roadkill bit was like a storyline from Doc Martin, but she seems to do it sensibly.  Not that I'd eat it, but it's probably safe.  Overall, not bad.  Dialog was a bit 'expected', much like the ending.

This was totally goofy and I loved it. LOL. Boopsie and Dusty are two entertaining and over the top characters. Their banter is light and childish, yet very dark.

Nice job writer! Quick read and I was entertained the whole time.

Best of luck!

Haha! Another one that's nuts. In a good way.
They all look like
they have been hit by motor vehicles
Could maybe have expressed that more graphically? Mind you, it's billed as comedy.

At first I thought she was a Barbie collector and wondered if that was going to be her weird addiction, and you changed midway.

The banter is nice. On first read I thought it was a little hard on the ear-

BOOPSIE
I like to cook. I can deep fry
anything. You?
DUSTY
I am an avid, passionate film buff. I
love movies. I can't get enough.

But then I decided it fits these character's and their style of just regurgitating anything and everything they're thinking. I like the little touches too, the age gap etc. This one really grew on me.

I think you could have had Boopsie laugh at the end - e.g. just kidding. But is she...?

I didn't see a dastardly plan parameter in the mix.
Which will in all likelihood not affect my voting.
It was never going to be easy fitting that all in and they couldn't have had a 'happy ever after' with it. Then again we're left wondering about Boopsie.  :D

I expect this to be a PG-13 version of something that could be violent. Overall, it was an enjoyable read.

Good luck.

I had to stop laughing in order to get to the end point. Great comedic dialogue. Should make a great short film, especially in line with TWILIGHT ZONE.

Even though comedy isn't really my thing, I liked the characters and the banter here.

But felt it fell a bit short on the parameters and ultimately it sort of petered out a little.

Decent effort

Wow, Dusty must really wanna get with Boopsie; if some chick fed me roadkill and then told me it was roadkill, I’d be outta there faster than you could say “what the f*ck!?”

Creepy carnivorous thing you got going on here, and the story was entertaining enough to read till the end.

This was a weird story with two weird characters. If possible, try to make one of them Dusty or Boopsie likable or sympathetic. Two weird characters appear at the same time are no good to me because we wouldn't like or sympathize with them. Besides, I find Boopsie not only weird but bad.

Hope this helps.

Michael

Dear Febreze Guy, (my favorite "alias" so far!)

I was initially confused with the title of "I'm Not Chicken", unsure of what that title could portend.  Now I know!

I have a couple of deep seated connections to this story:  I am an ER Nurse, married to a former ER physician.  The thought of a doctor starting a relationship with their patient (from the gurney no less), made me shiver with horror.
However, living in the South and my husband also being an avid hunter, I wholly identified with the freezer full of various forms of slaughtered wildlife  ::).  So much for my asides.

I actually thought this was a very clever story.  Like others, I'm not sure that all the parameters were met, but it is entertaining nonetheless.  I'm also still chuckling about Barbie "faking" it with Ken when what she was actually fantasizing about was GI Joe.  Which brings up another question - what did her Barbie fetish have to do with the story?  Did I miss something?  Or is their yet another Barbie re-make coming out "Cannibal Barbie"?  LOL

Thanks for sharing in the OWC - an enjoyable read set up with more than a few laughs.  

Kathy

This one is a top contender for me. Easy breezy read with great and funny dialogue. "I can deep fry anything!" Just what a great cook would pride themselves on. :D

Great job writer!

Writer,

Pretty good. An awful lot of build up tho. Personally, I think you could lop off a page or two. Maybe stuff it into Boopsie’s freezer. Anyway, jokes aside, you left out the one parameter which was the note about a sinister plan. I think, and I could be wrong, was that you substituted Boopsie’s freezer for that. Yes? If so, I’m cool with that. Seems like you met everything else, parameter-wise. And a fun story to boot. Good work!

Steve

This was a pretty solid story. I like that everything tasted better to Boopsie
if she could run over it first. The freezer scene was good, but for me it gave
away the ending.

Before writing this review, i checked out what others had to say. Kathy Cranford
wrote, "I am an ER Nurse, married to a former ER physician." I read it as, "I am
an ER Nurse, married to a former ER patient." That would have been a great line.

BOOPSIE:  The marriage didn't last.
DUSTY:  Divorce?
BOOPSIE:  Road Kill.

Okay, maybe that's only funny to me. Too much weed, crack and pile drivers,
I'm afraid.
Good luck on the road ahead.

My name is Michael. Captain D.A. Banaszak the Space Captain was a high school and college nickname.  I often joked that if I ever became a writer, I would use that as my pen name. You can continue to call me D.A. if you want. Some people still call me D.A., Captain, Captain B. and Captain Beer. My sister used to call me Jerko the Clown in high school and still does on occasion. It’s my screen name for the office football pool. I only ask that people don’t put “Hey you” in front of it.

I want to thank everybody for their comments. I learned a lot. I noticed that a few of the comments had questions which I will gladly answer.

To Steven C: Yes, the freezer scene was the evidence that Dusty was supposed to find. I wanted something that the audience would see but would not be understood by Dusty. I was working on a “Candid Camera” type ending where the audience is in on the joke and waits for Dusty’s reaction when he finally understands his situation. Among the things I learned, I learned that if I ever want to write a sunken souffle for an ending, that’s how you do it. Looking back, it may have been better if there was a recipe in the freezer and the story ended with an argument and his leaving or getting professional help.

To Kathy: The Barbie reference is what I like to call a distraction. It’s similar to what a magician does: look at my right hand while I do something with my left.  It’s probably a bad habit and a waste of a quarter-page. I just like it when it can build the character. In this case, it adds depth to Boopsie and helps establish her as a liar among other things.

To Libby: Your comment about the freezer scene was right on the money. I can’t believe I totally mailed that in. It’s a comedy and I left  a good hanging curveball laugh over the plate. I could have easily added: smashed, mangled, bloated, with tire marks on the deer.

Was Boopsie laughing? To herself, she was. She obviously had no respect for Dusty and considered him to be a mindless boy toy. Her fetish for eating road kill, the disgustingness of it, is a turn-on for her. Meeting someone young and good looking who was almost road kill himself was intriguing. The idea of eating human road kill became a pinnacle for her fetish. She had to visit him in his hospital room while he was held for a few hours for observation. Any lawyer would say that is a no-no. Any medical ethicist would put an exclamation point on that. That said, her dreams come true when he asks her out. Then she finds out over drinks that not only did he deliberately risk becoming road kill, he has an obsession to keep trying. To her, this guy was a keeper and she immediately invites him over. Then, little-by-little she tries to inure him to her fetish. Who knows? Maybe with a little cooperation from him, he could arrange it so that she doesn’t lose her license or get arrested when he becomes “Dusty Parmesan.”

To Pia: I read your comment at work and embarrassed myself laughing all day. As far as I’m concerned, Dusty’s luck runs out and with her position at work, manages to steal the body. She gets a couple of good meals out of it before she gets caught. She makes the news, loses her license but avoids jail time. Could you imagine if she at that point landed her own show on the Food Network? The title would be: “What are we Gonna to Deep Fry Tonight?”

To Ghost: Thank you for the “–A”. You are very kind.

To Steven D: Thank you for the insight. In the future I will try to be less predictable. That would apply to more than just story telling. I am really bad at poker. BTW – I loved Bob’s Big Break more than my story.

To Michael:  The idea of staggering characters is something I have never thought of. I’m finding that comment to be rather profound. As far as making one of the characters likeable… I don’t know. As this comedy is concerned, I think these two characters deserve each other.

To Yuvraj: I’m not sure what violence I could add, but I will think about it. I’ll look to the links on your profile for examples.

To Roland: For me, who just wrote a comedy, yours was the best comment I could get. Writing comedy scripts is difficult. Most people, including myself, read scripts and think, “With the right director and actor, this could be funny.”  Sometimes I read something that cracks me up but it’s rare. Seriously, thank you.

To Anthony: Thank you for your comment. With your comment and the comments of others, I feel I did well in capturing the comically annoying banter of a freshly-started romance. Could you imaging being stuck sitting behind them on a long flight? Anyway, congratulations on your close second. I liked your use of graphics. I wish more people did that. I have seen that in only one other script so far and it worked really well for them as well.

To Abe: I think the freezer scene sunk my entry. It’s possible that if he had found a recipe with his name on it, then confronted Boopsie, my soufflé may not have sunk. Food for thought.  Anyway, I thought your joke was funny.

To Gum: What can I say? Dusty is eighteen and not too bright. He’s probably thinking, “Okay. From now on, we do take-out.” That said, your comment also had me laughing for a day.

To Marnie: Congratulations! It’s nice to know you were entertained. That’s a very nice compliment. I liked Victor’s Secret. I thought that was a rather clever title. While I didn’t quite identify with Victor and his panties obsession, I would have also taken the cat.

I wish I had the time to leave more comments for the other entries than I did. My evenings were short this week; not that that’s an excuse, but it is the reason.

This was a lot of fun and a huge learning experience. A big thanks to Don and Steve for providing the forum and the challenge. I know it's a labor of love, but it's still labor.

Oh my gosh!  That was you!  I wondered who “Michael” was!  Glad my needling finally got you to write something.  And as expected, it was good. One of my favs for sure. So glad you chose to do the OWC.  I hope you’ll keep sharing your talent with us.  Looking forward to seeing more.

Kathy

Quoted from kcranford Oh my gosh!  That was you!  I wondered who “Michael” was!  Glad my needling finally got you to write something.  And as expected, it was good. One of my favs for sure. So glad you chose to do the OWC.  I hope you’ll keep sharing your talent with us.  Looking forward to seeing more. Kathy

Just read this and felt the same way!

Glad to finally see something of yours.

Steve

I actually enjoyed this. Great concise writing and was kept interested right the way through.

The only criticism is that you repeat their names when you could simply use pronouns at the start of the sentences - They. However, it's a first draft so-

The Barbie and Ken joke was fun and the whole narrative was fun to read.

Good work and enjoyed your writing style.