Repulsive by Chuck Conaway - Short, Comedy - Young attorney has affair with a Cougar, 50s, bumps into her the next day at his family barbecue. 7 pages

Production: Seven-pages, five adult-aged roles, three male, two female. Five easy access scenes. All day shots. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

“Well, a boy’s best friend is his mother.” -Norman Bates
“A son is a poor substitute for a lover.” -Norman Bates

Except I could never picture Norman's mother dressing like that.  It is repulsive, that's for sure.  The script read well and fast.  I thought the dialog worked very naturally.  The characters felt real.  All-in-all, a very nice little script.

Hi Chuck,

First let me say that I don't read scripts and then make negative comments about them.  If I don't like the story, the style, too many errors, etc. I just don't comment.  I'm a big believer in the saying, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all".

I like to read through the loglines of the new scripts posted each week.  If something grabs me, I'll give it a read.  I can say that I found your logline very compelling and I was interested to see how you could make it a "dramady".
I agree with Steven above, your writing style is excellent.  You made your characters, sketchy as some were, feel real.  So far, everything checked the boxes, so great job with this.

Now back to "saying something nice".  Your title  could not be more apt, and that's an understatement.   I was picturing the "Cougar" to perhaps be an Uncle's new girlfriend, or even heavier, his Father's new, as yet unintroduced, love interest.  But no, that title kicked in, in full force.

I might "not have gone there" if I were writing this, but you did get a read from me based on your logline premise.  You have definite talent and technical skill but per your wordplay, I will call this one "Repulsive".   ;)

Seriously though, thanks for sharing.  I read this one yesterday and I'm still thinking about it today, so there's that.  

Best,

Kathy

I couldn't see anything funny about this at all. The writing was concise though an an easy step read through.
"
Dialogue cliches don't work for me. "Same back" deferred cliche with various characters.

The brevity of the script doesn't give much else to go I'm afraid. maybe it is part of a bigger project?

Thanks for the read tho.

Also i don't know why this screenplay is up twice

I'm scratching my head here. I'm not sure just what audience this will appeal to or what reaction you're even going for.
And in the current climate?
Comedy? Nope.

Your writing is too slick for its own good:

feathers the brakes
Engine kicks over, they split.

Ynez's already sold, but hesitates.
She's sold, but then hesitates?
Ynez renders a nod.

Cougar finger-tip-toys with his shoulder.
His shoulder? What's that line even mean?

The female characters are sexual objects, but worse they're dumb as meat axes, dialogue is from the 70s  the male characters - well, two of them, are just sleaze-bags, one of them in an incestuous relationship. As for the storyline - why?

I was hoping for a clever twist to redeem the rest.
Just seems like shock for the sake of it.
Didn't land for me.

If you're highlighting stereotypes, political & sexual corruption in high places, and going for parody you need to be more clever than this. You need a contrasting character too, but all are cut from the same cloth.

Still scratching my head.

Hey Chuck.

It would be interesting to hear from you, what were you thinking writing this short story. Get on the board.
Not my kind of comedy, if comedy at all.
Not sure if all the dialogue in the office was even necessary.
I thought maybe the Cougar was Ynez's mom, which could've been interesting.
Front page, remove "Short Screenplay" and CONT'D in dialogue isn't used that much anymore.

Frank