Call Me The Breeze by Beans on Toast - An aging hitman picks an unusual way to remember his last job.  Short, Crime

Ahoy Beans on Toast - Guess you can't go wrong with any 'Lynyrd Skynyrd' song... or can you? Anywaz, could be a green writer behind this. Not sure. If not, accept my apologies. I wished you had thought up another way for Shaw to kill Leary than what you've done here. Um, something a bit more original, but hey-- that's just me. The writing needs tightening. Good job on getting one in. Best of Irish luck! :)_ghostie gal

Writer,

I was going along with this until the end which, sadly, fell flat. And that’s because we have no idea who he was sending the photos to. Was it Learys wife, the 5-0, FBI? Something far worse maybe? That’s where it loses me. This reads like you just didn’t finish it, or ran out of time. Seems you had a good story going until that end.

Steve

First one so far where I don't know the song particularly well.

So some pretty standard post-Tarantino stuff here, love or hate it. This is the kind of stuff that got me into writing so I can't knock it!

The big issue with this one for me is that it's hard to really align ourselves with one of these characters. Usually one or the other is more stylish/cool/interesting/troubled/whatever it may be, so that even in this amoral kind of world we can identify with and root for someone. But here, I'm not sure that you've built a story around a character with a clear goal that we can really identify with. There are a couple twists but those twists aren't going to land without us being invested in one of the characters' perspectives.

The idea of scrolling execution selfies and selecting the best one is extremely funny and I think there's room here to make this whole thing a bit of a joke about vanity and selfie culture even infecting the Tarantino killer set. But as is I'm not feeling like this takes us on much of a journey.

I'd also take a look at your action lines and consider how you can break things up, reword, and especially cut down in order to make for a more dynamic read. The trend right now is definitely towards sparseness of style.

Nice job!

This feels very much like a new writer...mostly because of how the action blocks are used...and the character intros...

Definitely need to do some studying on how to handle the descriptions/actions in a script. That's not a knock...we've all been there. Good news is, that part's pretty easy to pick up. The harder part is dialogue and story. And, you've got some real positives to work with there.

In fact, I quit reading the action blocks and only read the dialogue (for the most part). With that, things clipped along quite nicely. I rather liked what you did with Shaw. Asking for mid-swing photos was an interesting action for the character. Unexpected. It added real interest. Then scrolling through to find the best photo...that was epic.

The finish, unfortunately, didn't work for me. No idea who Brookman was sending the photos to, or why.

Bottom line: a few things to work on in the action blocks, and plenty to build off of otherwise.

Good job!
Paul

Hmmm....

Not sure what to make of that one. Never heard of the song, and although I was listening to it as I read the script I missed whatever may have been intended.

Found the discription a bit clunky too. That said I thought you did a pretty good job with the dialogue, whic I think most people would agree is usually the harder thing to be good at.

Unfortunately the ending was a big let down for me as I had no idea what it was you were trying to get at.

Good effort though!

After reading the previous comments, I'm going to have to agree.  The story shows promise but I was left hanging at the end not understanding to whom the pictures were being sent.  You had a little wiggle room at 3 pages to flesh it out some, but you did manage to get quite a bit of storyline into it.  Anyway, I liked the premise, maybe after the challenge you can add a little more - or were you going for a cliff hanger ending?  If so, nailed it!

The concept of a hit man trying to get an action photo of himself on his last job is pretty cool--absurd, of course, but in the best possible way. I think the dialogue works pretty well. We don't know who the photos are going to at the end, but we don't really need to know. One complaint I have is about this line: Shaw stands behind Leary like a batter at the mound. I'm not sure how to imagine this. Do you mean a batter at the plate?

That crummy toad, Brookman.  No honor amongst thieves. I really would have liked to have seen Shaw holding his own cell phone out with his left hand trying to get a shot of the beheading done with the right.  Then he could have held the head up beside his own for another shot.

Too much?

I hate that expression: Green writer - New writer! It sounds something like you are are an imposter and need to  back off a little.

I actually enjoyed the premise and found it amusing, if not a little  weird. The only people I've seen post an execution are terrorist of a certain kind.

The ending was abrupt and could have been better thought out IMO.

But a decent job overall and a good song choice.

Hi Writer

You need to work on condensing the action/descriptions.

Does a samurai sword click?

Brookman seems to be double crossing him but we have no idea why. To set him up since he is retiring and knows too much? could be, but I think we need to know a little more about it.

Slightly weird that Shaw wants incriminating evidence about him. And it wasn't Brookman's idea to take the photos, so if he had a double cross plan then he just got extremely lucky, probably better to make it Brookmans idea rather than relying on sheer luck and coincidence.
Hope you expand on this later.

Best of luck

So much has been noted prior to my late-to-the-game comments, however --

One of the options for this challenge was to craft a scene, and after I finished reading Call Me The Breeze, that's how I saw it.

I found Shaw's character interesting: why a samurai sword, and not a gun or a choke-wire, or my favorite, a suffocating plastic bag over the head?

Good effort. Keep going, polish, polish, polish.

Like Lew, I saw this as a scene, which was allowed in the parameters... so whilst I'd like to know where the pictures were sent at the end it isn't necessary in the scheme of things.

But it did feel a little formulaic within the scene, and I can't work out if the sword is a good thing or bad thing, kinda depends on the expanded script I guess.

Well done for getting one in.

I'm no hitman -- I just stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night -- but if I was getting pictures taken of my last hitjob, I would want it taken with my own phone.  And if it was taken with someone else's phone, I wouldn't wait until I was gone to have him send me the photo and then trust him to delete everything.  But again, I'm no hitman.

I didn't find too many issues with this other than just some logic stuff (like above), and leaving us in wonder over who the photos were sent to.  Otherwise it was pretty well-written and very visual.   Pretty decent effort here.  Best of luck.

This is a curious story that I like in some corners and
am confounded by in other ways.
The aging hitman on his last assignment is interesting.
He pulls up in a "nondescript sedan when I wanted to
see a Keitel-like Acura NSX — if just for posterity's sake.
I totally agree with Gary in H Town.
The old man would never use Brookman's phone to
capture the moment.
It would be Shaw's phone or no phone.
What would have been interesting is if Brookman sent
himself a copy using Shaw's phone. Then Shaw would
notice this and have to go back and whack Brookman.
Just saying.

If I were Shaw, I would have had Brook shoot a video. Live
action from which he could pull a pretty good action still.
Anyway, the ending could have used some foreshadowing.
Maybe Brookman is communicating with somebody before
Shaw arrives. We might assume B was talking to Shaw,
but when we double back, we'll figure that there was a third
person involved in the hit.
This one needs some tightening and a bit of reconfiguring
but it kept my interest from capture to final call.
So good work.

I’m not sure what happened. The execution was straight forward and obvious. I got that. It was photographed and I got that. Brookman sends the photo to Shaw, I got that.

Brookman makes a phone call and I don’t know to whom or why.  Personally, I like a mysterious ending that could initiate some classroom conversation and perhaps that is your objective. A teacher could give a creative writing assignment to have the students reveal who was on the other end of that call and what happens next. If that was your goal, well done. My take was that Bookman was calling the New York Mets who need a new batting coach and the pictures of Shaw show that he has a perfect swing.

I do have some advice to add. In your opening paragraph you introduce Brookman and Leary. In your second paragraph you introduce Leary. Then you describe Leary as being in a suit. You’re fine so far. Then you describe Brookman as also being in a suit. At a glance I was led to believe that Brookman and Leary came together in the same slow moving sedan. I had to re-read the first paragraph to confirm that Brookman was already there.

In short, keep your character descriptions in the same paragraph or close to their introductions. It’s a matter of organization. This way you keep the reader’s attention and they don’t start reading the next story that’s waiting in their overstuffed inbox.

Writer,

I've never listened to this song by Skynyrd until today.   This was a good effort.   To be honest, I was anticipating Shaw to slice Brookman.   I'm guessing by the ending, Brookman is fixing to double-cross Shaw?  Having Shaw use a sword for the weapon added dramatic flair to the killing, in my opinion.

All the best.

Two men are in the open field. One is standing, the other on
his knees, hands behind his back and blindfolded. The man
standing is BROOKMAN (40s). The man held captive is LEARY
(30s). (Here is where you add how both men are dressed, and also detail that Leary is bound, gagged, blindfolded)

A nondescript (no need for nondescript) sedan slowly pulls up and comes to a halt.(no need for the engine bit) or the driver's side bit)Engine shuts off. The drivers side door opens and

(Start here) SHAW (late 50s) steps out. He wears a nice suit. (Give us a bit more description of Shaw as your quintessential hitman. (Delete the wardrobe stuff for Brookman and Leary as it goes in the first para when we first see them)Brookman is also in a suit. Leary in a casual shirt and shorts. Brookman pulls the blindfold off Leary. (Maybe Shaw says something to Leary here, maybe something funny, or completely inappropriate) He's gagged also so still can't talk.
Nervous mutterings out of his mouth as the two other men
stand over him.

Your header is Open Field so you don't want to repeat open field again in your description. Give us some other description of this field that makes it stand out. Maybe there's an open grave already dug, perhaps it's such a desolate area, a barren landscape, no houses or landmarks as far as the eye can see.

So let's just say(as I think Lew mentioned) this is a scene from a bigger story (which is fine as per the parameters) - in this case you don't have the luxury of any dull moments.

You could add conflict between your standover/hitman guys. A simple way to do this is via dialogue. Look at Tarantino examples to see how he injects humour or, for example, the dichotomy of the every day with the menacing - example  in Pulp Fiction, the royale with cheese discussion.

The only other way is to inject something that comes completely from left field (no pun intended) - your guy gets loose, or a third party turns up, or the guy with his head on the chopping block drops dead from a heart attack. Maybe then Shaw still wants a photo but the guy's already dead and an argument breaks out about money, he now won't pay him cause technically it wasn't a hit etc. It's Shaw's final job and it's now ruined cause this guy dared to drop dead of natural causes

Finally, it would make more sense if the photo op is Brookman's idea, otherwise your final act is a bit too convenient. And/or as others have said, he uses his own phone otherwise he's coming across as world's dumbest criminal.

The story held my attention, it just needs more.
And you can do it!

Oh, and watch Mr Inbetween.
https://m.imdb.com/title/tt7472896/