Crazy Train by A Model Railroad Enthusiast - An attempted theft of a model train set goes off the rails.  Short

All aboard!!  

Hi writer

Yep, this turned crazy.

Loved the writing, very vivid. I enjoyed the characters and the kids turn from clean-freak math genius to sword wielding maniac… all over a model train. Would love to see a version even more ramped up with comedy and craziness!

Best of luck

Writer,

Crazy is an understatement! For all its craziness, I like this one a lot. Sharon stepping in with the snacks is great comedic timing. Not much to say. Silly and off the wall. I liked it a lot. Btw, those old Lionel’s are made steel or something. They’ll last several lifetimes so I’m a little unsure of how it could break so easily. Oh well. Anyway, fun script.

Steve

As I go, the action lines are well written but I feel like there's just a bit too much -- I'm finding that there's enough description that it gets in the way of the story a bit, and stuff like the "foraging wolverines" maybe distracts more than it adds -- although it got a laugh from me for sure. (Actually, as I read on, this comment really only applies to the first page or so).

Anyway, this progressed really well, it captured the Crazy Train vibe for sure, and the slapstick violence is well-staged and well-written. I thought this was a bang-up job all around. My only complaint might be that Jackson, our ostensible protagonist, actually winds up with less to do and less of the story than Gunnar. Jackson has one big reveal, but it might be nice to see him drive the action a bit more in the second half.

Great work here. Short, sweet, and crazy.

Ahoy A Model Railroad Enthusiast - yup, it's good to write something a leetle beet crazy now and again, it unblocks clogged mental pipes, warms up your writing muscles.

Sadly, not familiar with the song, but... this was pretty well written. It felt fresh. I was able to follow this without any problems. Some interesting little touches kept my attention. The imagery worked and the characters were interesting. I do think you're in love with your writing though. No nit-picks - too many to get through.

At any rate, just my hack 2 cents.  Again, this was a fun read. Good work. Best of Irish luck! :)_ghostie gal

This was a bit manic and slapstick, but still a bit of fun.  I think it tough to rein in a script that only gets 5 pages to tell its story and you go full bore crazy in the last two pages, but somehow I think you pulled it off.  The story line is completely off the rails (pun intended) and logic is thrown to the wind, but crazy is part of the theme so go with it.  Good effort here.

Can't stop laughing.  Hilarious.  All I can say is, look at my new signature.

This is a good example of taking a song title and doing something totally unique with it. Sure, it gets ridiculous, but you decided to just go all out. I liked the characters names and their descriptions.

Right, do not, under any circumstance, break or cause any damage to Jackson's "Lionel prewar standard gauge grey 400 E steam locomotive"  train model. He's not gonna tolerate that, lol.

At first I was wondering why the hell are we getting such a mouthful of a description for this train model... but by the end of reading this crazy but very entertaining tale, I know exactly why we got that mouthful description for this train model.

Great fun, loved reading it, enough said.

Haha wtf!

Did not see that coming. That was a lot of fun. Yeah the prose could be trimmed down a bit but still, I found it a lot of fun.

Good job!

Sometimes a simple decision gives you everything you need to know about a story...and the decision to have the action take place around the window is a perfect example. If this story starts with a knock at the door, it's a lot less crazy. (Well, there'd still be plenty of crazy...but, work with me here.) But, starting it off at the window just sets a tone that carries through the entire script. Good choice, I'd say.

All in all, a fun script with plenty of unpredictable moments.

Good job.
Paul

A splendid first couple of paragraphs, firmly establishing character by purely visual means. And then it does not proceed as one might expect, not by a long shot.

There is a weird momentum that drives the next few pages, and it's good, until it kind of just...stops. We lose track of Gunnar, and those final lines probably won't transfer to the screen as they should.

Maybe this should end with a needle-drop on the titular tune we're using here. You are not supposed to do that, sure, but I think that is what you should do. Nicely written and enjoyable for what it is, a good entry.  

This is a really well-written story and packed a lot of dialogue into 5 pages.  This was one of the entries that actually felt like an entire story was wrapped up by the end.  Although I'm not a slasher fan (I know everyone is tired of hearing that) and the ending was gory, still the writing is solid and well-thought out, so giving credit where  credit is due.  Nice entry - wishing you much luck with it.

Kathy

Hip-hip, hooray for cliffhangers.
This crazy whirlwind of savagery...interrupted by a choice of cold sodas...has the feeling of the first chapter of an ongoing story, and I like the feeling of that.
Nicely written, with one gross surprise after another, and a protagonist who is nerdy cool; of course, it's totally believable that a model train enthusiast might have a samurai sword in his cabinet of curiosities. I wonder what else is in there that he is leaving behind with Sharon!
Looking forward to Chapter 2.

Second script in a row with a beheading due to Japanese steel, what are the odds!

Decently written but I couldn't quite get with the tone of the fight scene, I think it needed to be sillier or more serious.

Well done for getting one in.

As a model railroad enthusiast I was drawn in by the logline. With that, I empathized with Jackson Reed.
I liked the character descriptions. I could visualize them rather vividly.

The story came across as a little awkward in a way that was comical. Allow me to explain:
Jackson has a $1200 object in a first floor college dorm room? Maybe it’s because I went to the University of Bridgeport but I think that having something that valuable, with a price tag on it, is looking for trouble.

Gunnar needs help to climb through the window. He then announces his intentions and expects to just leave with the locomotive; as if an immediate call to the police would not take place.

Helping Zeke through the window was pretty funny but the icing on the cake was Sharon’s response to seeing the beheaded Zeke: “…I was only gone for fifteen minutes.”

The rest of the story was in Tweensville; a little too gory and violent to be an obvious comedy, a little too unrealistic to be an obvious thriller. It was stuck in between. Trying to pass it off as both is tough to do with only five pages.

I may have enjoyed it more if It was announced as a comedy.

I was drawn in when Gunnar enters through the window. I
like the notion that he's too lazy to walk to the front door
and Jackson, after some thought, allows him into the room.
Then, the nerve of Gunnar to flat-out announce that he's
robbing Jackson of his prize train. That alone is crazy.
When Gunnar pulls out his six-inch knife only to be countered
by Jackson's katana reminded me of that Crocodile Dundee
scene where the street thug pulls a knife and Dundee says,
"That's not a knife... that's a knife" as he pulls out a bigger
blade.
That bit with Gunnar (and Lionel) trying to make an exit through
the window, but it's blocked by Zeke was great hysterics.
I only wish you could have figured a way to end this story with
Jackson applying his mathematical wizardry.
Way back, I read a short story about a yoga master who was
trying to prove a geometric theory. By the story's end, he  
solves the challenge, then folds himself into invisibility.
Anyway, thanks for the ride.

Writer,

Very nice song choice. Love Ozzy. That was quite the story.   Jackson had some depth. Lol.   Your writing was easy to read.  I thought the story flowed well.   If you decide to expand on this later, I would like to see some type of closure with Gunnar.   This all went into motion because of him.  Great job.