Percy Filth (was The Suit) by John Stone - Short, Comedy - A failed destination leads to karma. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Haha! Good one.
Did this actually happen to you, John?

This reads very speedily and kept me engaged throughout

Minor typos:
small mercy's
small mercies
sits up the looks through
then?

Btw, I confess to looking back to see who was in the wrong.
Very entertaining.

  
    Ha!  Not quite,

    I did that deliberately. so you could check who was right and who was wrong. Not those damn typos (obviously)
    

    Thanks.

Poor driver and I really enjoyed this.Good work

John,

I did the same as Libby - checked back to see what he originally said! This read well and went by quick, and had good tension throughout. Kept me wanting to see where all this was going. I feel the ending could have used a little more punch. As is, pretty good job but feel it needed a little more to bring all that tension to a fever pitch. Lastly, the reference to your detective character as SUIT didn’t sit all that well with me. Early on it was a bit distracting as I felt you should have given him a name. He would have been just as mysterious, and your creativity could have flexed more while describing him and his suit. Other than that, nice one!

Steve

Quoted from SAC John, I did the same as Libby - checked back to see what he originally said! This read well and went by quick, and had good tension throughout. Kept me wanting to see where all this was going. I feel the ending could have used a little more punch. As is, pretty good job but feel it needed a little more to bring all that tension to a fever pitch. Lastly, the reference to your detective character as SUIT didn�t sit all that well with me. Early on it was a bit distracting as I felt you should have given him a name. He would have been just as mysterious, and your creativity could have flexed more while describing him and his suit. Other than that, nice one! Steve

Thanks Steve. All your comments have been taken on board.  
SUIT is a reference used by London's taxi drivers for a city worker but I get your gist.

Enjoyed this one, John. The back and forth between the driver and the “Suit”  kept me wondering until the end who would prevail. Just one note…on the last page when the Emergency dispatch questions the “Suit”, they ask for his “destination”. Should this be his “location” or did I miss something since the entire plot centers around a misunderstood destination?  

Thanks for posting this and also for including one of my favorite British terms “wanker”!

Quoted from kcranford Enjoyed this one, John. The back and forth between the driver and the “Suit”  kept me wondering until the end who would prevail. Just one note…on the last page when the Emergency dispatch questions the “Suit”, they ask for his “destination”. Should this be his “location” or did I miss something since the entire plot centers around a misunderstood destination?   Thanks for posting this and also for including one of my favorite British terms “wanker”!

Haha... Yes it should be just that. Thanks for the heads up and the read.

I'll have to dock points for being just a tad late to enter the October 06 One Week Challenge...(that's where I found this script...for some odd reason.)

This was fun. Enjoyed it. I've got nothing to add...at least, nothing that's constructive, as the only note I have is: I wonder if there's any way to give the audience the same experience you give the reader?

What I mean: I, too, went back to check who was right. It's absolutely what you need as a reader to close the loop and feel fully satisfied. But, how could you do that for an audience? If you're watching it on a computer or something, you can re-watch it. But, what if you're at a festival watching it on the big screen? Or, should that just be part of the fun?

I've no clue. But, I enjoyed it as is. So, probably best to just not overthink things.

See...told you it wasn't constructive. :)

(I suppose you could have him give the wrong address at the front...then, everything plays out in the same way...at the end, you show him getting into another taxi...doing the same thing. But, that's a different story, isn't it? And this one's already good.)

Quoted from PKCardinal I'll have to dock points for being just a tad late to enter the October 06 One Week Challenge...(that's where I found this script...for some odd reason.) This was fun. Enjoyed it. I've got nothing to add...at least, nothing that's constructive, as the only note I have is: I wonder if there's any way to give the audience the same experience you give the reader? What I mean: I, too, went back to check who was right. It's absolutely what you need as a reader to close the loop and feel fully satisfied. But, how could you do that for an audience? If you're watching it on a computer or something, you can re-watch it. But, what if you're at a festival watching it on the big screen? Or, should that just be part of the fun? I've no clue. But, I enjoyed it as is. So, probably best to just not overthink things. See...told you it wasn't constructive. :) (I suppose you could have him give the wrong address at the front...then, everything plays out in the same way...at the end, you show him getting into another taxi...doing the same thing. But, that's a different story, isn't it? And this one's already good.)

Thanks PK. It was constructive enough for me.

Quoted from King_Horrible Poor driver and I really enjoyed this.Good work

Thanks buddy.

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Quoted from PKCardinal I'll have to dock points for being just a tad late to enter the October 06 One Week Challenge...(that's where I found this script...for some odd reason.) This was fun. Enjoyed it. I've got nothing to add...at least, nothing that's constructive, as the only note I have is: I wonder if there's any way to give the audience the same experience you give the reader? What I mean: I, too, went back to check who was right. It's absolutely what you need as a reader to close the loop and feel fully satisfied. But, how could you do that for an audience? If you're watching it on a computer or something, you can re-watch it. But, what if you're at a festival watching it on the big screen? Or, should that just be part of the fun? I've no clue. But, I enjoyed it as is. So, probably best to just not overthink things. See...told you it wasn't constructive. :) (I suppose you could have him give the wrong address at the front...then, everything plays out in the same way...at the end, you show him getting into another taxi...doing the same thing. But, that's a different story, isn't it? And this one's already good.)

You could have one of those triple-time rewind tracks (I don't know what the tech term is)where the Suit actually says where he wants to go, and then also replay Driver saying: It's my job to know etc. Hertford/Harwood Drive could sound very alike. Maybe the  drumming of the rain and the thwack of the wipers overlaid - so even the audience could argue over who was right, who heard what. Who really is in the wrong etc. Just a thought...

Oct OWC. What'd I miss?

I love stories that generate conversation, debate and maybe even an argument over drinks after the show. I think Libby's last post nails that. I could see a group getting into an argument and rewatching this to settle that argument and maybe a bet.

Also, this story has a moral: don't threaten strangers because it's never that important.

I remember your October OWC. Some woman dressed up as a zombie fish or something like that. (yes, I'm kidding) You rewrote it as: The Laughing Fisherman.