Anthony
Sorry for the delay in reading this.
A very cool, sick script you have here. Peppered with snappy, sultry conversationa and equally elequent composition in the narrative. It grew and expanded as it went on gradually ditching the wiscracks and smart replies to a more contemplative, melancholy piece which by the end, had taken on a totally different tone and persona, all in a good way.
Just for clarification, I'm presuming the opening scene with Will at the mirror is
after his conversation with TY and
before his date with Jenny. If not, sh?t, my comments are going come off horribly misguided
I like the abrupt switching of scenes between the Elio's and the cop shop. Short bursts of dialogue each revealing a little more each time for us to decipher where you were taking us with this. I don't know if you've already had comments from some people about the technique and structure you used here. I know of one or two that wouldn't dig it all that much, leveling criticisms like "too jarring" or "disjointed" at it's pacing but I found it hiked up the intrigue and suspense about what we were going to find out about Will and/or Jenny.
I wonder would they open up to each other like that? Especially Will, given the type of person he is. There was some alcohol consumed sure but still what a break in character for him. Having said that they restaurant scene is a journey in itself as both people strive to understand and figure out one another. As a stand alone scene without the cop shop intercuts, its very well scripted, ebbs and flows in real time, regardless of the seemingly implausible "opening up" of both characters.
Now at the end, as I mention in the page by page notes, if you gave us the indication that Jenny was going to spare Will then these blurted out confessions of pivotal, life changing events of their respective chidhoods would carry extra weight and significance but my take on the conclusion is that she is going to go ahead with her grisly intentions, regardless of the "bond" they experienced at the table. Which, for me, cheapens the intimacies of their conversation to the point of meaninglessness, since it had no bearing on the inevitable outcome. Please correct me if I picked this up wrong.
I gather you intended it this way but it was foreshadowed rather early that Jenny was the elusive "perp" who Crowder and Lopez were discussing. You tell us explicity on page 18 with the line "Fits easily in a purse." but most readers will have figured this many pages before. Again I don't know what your intention was. Did you or didn't you want us to know?
Overall, I think this was a very strong effort, a lot of great things in here, some clever dialogue (as well as some that could be cleaned up as I've highlighted below) a fantastic femme fatale in Jenny, that bit?h was beyond cool, in a icy, lethal but above all sexy way. A mixed up, contradictory, sometimes frustrating individual in Will but I found him real and empathatic nonetheless. Also the development of Crowders and Lopez's realisation however premature it may have been was still engaging and humorous, culminating in a lifeguards chair on Rockaway Beach of all places.
I think if you want the twist to remain concealed until page 18 (if that was the idea) I'm afraid the structure, although I dug it, isn't going to be conducive to achieving this as the two cops are essentially filling in the blanks for us. Maybe think about revamping the structure or rewriting Crowder's and Lopez's dialogue so not as much is given away to us so soon.
However, the unfortunate reality is, if you have alternating scenes of a new years eve blind date juxtaposed with two cops who just happen to be talking about consecutive new years eve murders, its not going to take long for the reader/audience to join the dots. That is why I feel the ending is so vital and what closing lines and body language you give Jenny as she leaves the waiter to join Will.
Anyway, I lenjoyed this, like everything, it can be improved but you have a solid script on your hands. I'd be interested to see what where you take it from here.
Page by Page notes:
Below are just some comments/reactions/ suggestions etc when reading the script.
"A droplet of blood falls... slowly... and crashes into the porcelain basin." -- "Crashes" feels like too strong a verb here for what its describing. Unless you're envisaging one of those super slow-mo shots complete with accentuated sound effects...which I sincerely hope you aren't...Interesting opening images all the same though.
WILL STEWART, late 20s, tall and spindly with tufts of thin dark hair, bores his narrow eyes into his reflection. He scoops a handful of water to his face and brushes the trail of blood from his neck. -- Great prose, superb introduction to a character.
TY (CONT’D)
Yo man, I told you, you can’t be
messing with that shit. What if the
bitch is crazy? -- Funny, I'm just after reading Rendevous's "Who Says..." which has an identical theme, albeit dealt with in a far lighter tone than here.
TY
Man, this is bullshit. Why the old
man holding this meeting on New
Year’s Eve day?
-- Are you missing "is" between "Why" and "the" or is it TY's way of speaking?
I mean, I get TY is a homeboy an all that and thats the way they talk but his lines came off a bit too stereotypical at times, almost a caricature, but yeah I realise, that is how they talk, so...
"and wall to wall muscles" -- Another coincidence, I recently watched Woody Allen's "Sleeper" for the first time, this line is spoken. Did you get it from that?
"Bass Ale" -- Do they have this in the states? It can barely be got in Ireland anymore.
WAITER
Very good.
Jenny returns her cigarette to the table. -- We can assume that the waiter has vacated the scene to fetch the drinks but its still no harm in confirming it for us. A terse "The waiter leaves" would do.
"Will jumps a bit in his seat, his eyes big as saucers." -- A bit overt, no? I know, Will is coming off a bit jittery but this reaction felt a little too much. Maybe a flicker of the eyes or something more subtle that we can still pick up on it, and given Jenny's personality, she will too.
"Jenny takes a long, satisfying drag, then smashes out the
cigarette in the butter dish." -- Like in the beginning "smashes" feels too extreme here, violent even, for what its conveying.
"Smoke pours out along with her answer." -- Cool visual.
INT. ELIO’S RESTAURANT - NIGHT
WILL
I can’t believe I’m even
considering telling you this.
-- Even though its obvious where we are and who is in the scene, its good practice to include a line of action just to clarify it for the reader. Anything to establish the two characters and what they are doing before they speak. I know its difficult not to become repetituous when going back and forth from scene to scenw to like this, I had a similar problem with a script of mine but I line of action should be inserted at the beginning of new scenes.
JENNY
How old were you, Will? -- Sorry for being a nit-picker but I would drop "Will" here, not necessary in my opinion.
WILL
She... did things to me.
JENNY
What kind of things, Will?
WILL
You know... things.
JENNY
You were raped, Will.
-- Jenny is saying "Will" way too much here, it doesn't read well. Then again, maybe you want to highlight Jenny's intense personality by having her address him so directly like that.
JENNY (CONT’D)
Course some eleven-year-olds would
consider that a helluva Friday
night. -- Too right, thats what I was thinkin'
WILL
What happened to you, Jenny? --Again I would drop the name.
That scene on page 17 is a lot of things; surprising, ill fitting, crazy, hilarious thus brilliant all at the same time. Two of them going at it, only for the man (of all species) to stop up and talk about the case. I mean, fair play to Crowder, what a stud, tappin' that Lopez considering she's a "a knockout" as you put it but, man, you gotta leave your work in the office, you're fu?king this beautiful women on a beach, on New years night, concentrate on that.
CROWDER
Aren’t you interested in fighting
crime, detective? -- Er no, I'd rather sit on your face, replies Lopez. And that should be fine with Crowder if had any sexual drive at all, jesus man!
"Crime can look after itself" would be my train of thought at that particular moment in time.
"Jenny looks toward the door. She can see Will’s headlights flash across the street as he reaches for the door handle" -- Maybe I'm missing something here but how can the lights flash if Will is only getting into the car?
WAITER
Come and look me up, then -- No need for the comma before "then"
JENNY
I don’t think we’ll be together
much longer. -- A love this line, a telling one in regards the whole story but I was kinda' hoping she was gonna let Will off since they had made some connection at dinner or at least it looked that way. Of course she could have manipulated the whole thing. I thought you would give the impression that the cheeky, forward waiter, being the opposite of Will, was gonna take his place as Jenny's next victim. Although "I think I just may do that" sorta' seals the waiters fate too, she's a some piece of work for sure.