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| Harrison Ford (in the loo or not) Ha! I agree with the last part of your reply, that a screenplay is never finished, and that’s why I almost always go back and take another look. My stage play tutor once said to me. Write the damn thing, stick in a folder then go back three weeks later and edit it, but never ever try to change it. |
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Hi Banaszak, interesting ideas about how it should have ended here. I love it, and the thing about the transitions, yeah it kinda feels useless, like just end this scene with the next scene heading already. Anyway, thank you for reading my screenplay, have a good one.
Nick Le |
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Michael and John,
If I were to add a title to this reply, it would be; "Screenwriters Just Want To Have Fun."
I just wanted to write a short story, and have fun with it, instead of it taking ten years for me to finish the thing.
I seem to have a tiny bit of an imagination. But for screenplay format, spelling, and grammar... I suck. But I tell you, it seems that sometimes when I try to write in perfect form, and I leave my office for just a minute, some "entity" (probably sent by one of my ex-wives) comes in and messes with my keyboard, trying to make me look bad. It adds commas, and apostrophes where they don't belong, along with changing my format around. I need to add a fail-safe password on my compute...
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While I couldn’t relate to the story, I’ve known people who would. It was still funny until it got overly violent. Then it got dark but not too funny. Throwing his wife out the window was rather extreme but could still be considered funny if she got right up and screamed in his face and continued her lecture about caffeine addiction. Instead she called for help and then was shot. For me, that crossed the line out of comedy.
I see that you are used Arc Studio to write this. I have a few comments about your writing style:
In your first action line, I think you have an extra comma and the “up” is in the wrong place. I think it would read better as, “… lighting up the dark and messy room slowly.”
The next action line should...
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Word-Hits
1 (100.00%) |
Old Times (reply) |
Posted by: Yuvraj
Date Posted: Yesterday, 1:48pm |
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Thank you, Libby, for providing extensive feedback.
You are correct; English is not my first language. However, I've studied English since kindergarten.
I agree that the dialog is a bit disjointed in parts. In all honesty, I wanted to keep it that way after I read it myself. The purpose was to show how Edna always initiates the conversation and, in return, gets to hear what she wants to know. By doing so, she tries to make herself admit that Amelia is no more but, at the same time, tries to convince herself that Amelia has survived. A lot is going on in her mind. And there are a multitude of other ways to show it better.
I'm not negating your criticism by any means. And I know I'm no super talented (dialog...
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| Thanks, those are great movies, loved 8mm too! |
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This was a slow read but worth it. In the right mindset, it’s pretty funny in a Ricky Bobby, Joe Dirt kind of way. There were some pretty funny scenes and lines. I really liked this.
You used Movie Magic Screenwriter to write this, so I know you are dedicated and probably a professional.
The only problem with format is that you introduce characters with a generic name and then change it when someone calls them by their real name. For instance, Jimmy Joe sits at a table with his BEST FRIEND and has a conversation. After a few dialog entries, Jimmy Joe calls him Alex and from then on, the best friend is ALEX. I’m not a fan of this method of introducing characters. I found it confusing. At first I thought the best friend had left...
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Demo Reel (reply) |
Posted by: KippBond
Date Posted: May 4th, 2024, 8:45pm |
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| Great script idea. I really see this as one of the more intriguing investigative pieces I have came across. Then, to throw the idea of good and evil into it; it's spotlight meets 8mm. Excited to hear more. |
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| Thanks, Gary! |
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I get the impression that this is the beginning to something bigger; something rather nice, thought-out and exciting. I hope you write more.
I have a little advice to add to the review above.
To start off, you don’t have page numbers. Any page numbers I refer to are based on the PDF page numbers.
You need to get some script-writing software. You did really well writing this in Microsoft Word. You have the margins set correctly. There are a couple of widow/orphan problems. For example, at the bottom of page 15 you have a scene heading and top of page 16, the action line for that scene. There is another example where at the bottom of page 16 you have a dialog heading (JOHN) and then John’s dialog on page 17.
When y...
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| Thanks - much appreciated. Glad you enjoyed it. |
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David,
Some quick background before my review of your script, which I really enjoyed. I am taking a screenwriting class and have very little experience with formal screenplays, etc. Your Nun The Wiser script was actually the first actual script I’ve ever read.
I put time in on the front end to find something that sounded interesting through title, logline, etc and also had some good conversation already going. I wound up on your script and I was not disappointed. To me, it seemed obvious you had a clear idea of who your characters were and how to bounce their personalities off of each other perfectly. I wasn’t paying attention to beat sheet stuff, but you kept the story moving along really well and I thoroughly enjoyed what t...
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Hi Frank. What are you on? I want some of that before I begin to write my next project.
I took the opportunity to read this inanely imaginative piece of of comedic genius and from page to page I laughed as it played out. Insane asylum in England to LA is a unique idea. Love the Tom Hanks joke and John's wit throughout.
Thanks for highlighting Two Moons - Really?
Pink Floyd and Incandescence? Hahaa... Brilliant!
You have a level of imagination that cannot be ignored. I thought it was only me that had lost his mind. Haha.
For me the dialogue was hilarious. I wondered at times if I was your protagonist and unproduced screenwriter, aftrer all it was my script that was the issue here, right? - apart ...
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You misunderstood me. I was suggesting that you should interrupt the dialog of the newsreader to show the mug shot of Otto, like so:
NEWSREADER (V.O.)
Police forces from around the country...
(the rest of the paragraph all the way to)
... and an ally to President Putin.
A mugshot of Otto appears on screen.
NEWSREADER (V.O.)/
& |
...
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Hi there,
I read the first 45 pages and then stopped. It really wasn't for me and you should take anything I have to say with a pound of salt, but here are some of my thoughts:
-The characters are a little too generic. Aside from Gabe, I didn't really feel like they had much personality. I'd consider giving them something they care about besides having a baby. Maybe make their dialogue pop a little more.
-It comes off as pretty cliche. I feel like I've seen all these elements in movies before, and there's nothing here that really elevates them. The scene where they're talking about their baby in the beginning was stale. The lightning strikes are so overdone that I think if shot as written they would give audiences a lau...
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This is a delightful story. John is a well-rounded character with a funny, sarcastic wit.
I was confused a little bit about how John got out of the hospital. I’m guessing that Bridget let him out. If this is a work-in-progress, something that could be worked on is the need for a little bit of background into why someone with slender, female hands would let him out. If there are hints as to who or why, I missed them.
I like the dialog between John and Billie. She sounded young, like a police officer that hadn’t been on the job long and hadn’t put up with much nonsense yet.
I also liked the air marshal.
This brings us to a couple of format and typo problems that take place on the flight:
On page 14 and furth...
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You misunderstood me. I was suggesting that you should interrupt the dialog of the newsreader to show the mug shot of Otto, like so:
NEWSREADER (V.O.)
Police forces from around the country...
(the rest of the paragraph all the way to)
... and an ally to President Putin.
A mugshot of Otto appears on screen.
NEWSREADER (V.O.)/
Police a...
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So I looked into it further and found this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iR9y3FfX7Og
Note: you have to slog through about 5 minutes of intro stuff which I didn't understand at all, or you can just cut to where Kevin starts talking. He also doesn't introduce himself or use any titles, so it was only until the first guest called him Kevin that I figured out he was the host.
You can also look at some of his other YouTube videos here:
https://www.youtube.com/@yellowcottagetales
Gary |
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"The only thing I was going to suggest is along the lines that you've set this in a new housing estate in close proximity to the Creeper's killing grounds maybe you could incorporate that somehow in the same vein Spielberg did with Poltergeist. I'm not saying in that exact way, but... Stigmatized homes, in this case properties. Real estate agents only in some states have to disclose under law if something horrific has gone down.
You could maybe link it/add theme with sacred ground v the almighty dollar (greed). Jim has an obvious beef with Scott and his view. I'm going to assume it's his development? Maybe Scott knew about the history of the land, nobody else did, ke kept it a secret cause it's a goldmine? Maybe it came cheap...
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Hi Michael. I am so pleased you took the time to read the new draft. I�ve been attempting to get this one right from the get go. So, Lord Overton�s murder at Kings Cross stn was suggested that Otto is his killer, with his mugshot plastered on the news channel. However, he s not there to kill Randal and his wife. He is merely playing Good Samaritan, since he knows Randal is in real danger, during a night of the riots - Implosion Resistance v Anti- Rebellion. He also knows that Randal is a corporate fascist and supports the rebellion. Otto makes it his mission to protect him and Dawn. Randal�s killer is out there and waiting to strike. His opportunity comes abt when Otto opens the door. There is an early warning to this action when Rand...
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I enjoyed reading this again. I think it flows better with the longer buildup. It gave more of a sense that if the Implosion Resistance didn't get them, the implosion would.
I got a little confused with the announcement of Lord Overton's demise. The paragraph after the short pause (on page 45) doesn't read right. I get the impression you were in the middle of an edit changing a suicide to a murder. In any case I liked the change from a colleague to a member of the nobility and revealed them as the founder of the Implosion Resistance. It gave me a sense that the resistance is huge in its organization.
I'm not completely sure why Otto's picture was on the screen. I'm assuming that he's the man Scotland Yard is searching for and ...
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One from Infolist/Inktip
https://us15.campaign-archive.com/?e=88b48657dd&u=83c3401736a63b44b3f05de50&id=557c58b446 |
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| They moved the Tuesday appearance to the evening instead. It's the Karen Read case which also made it onto Good Morning America today. |
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Word-Hits
1 (100.00%) |
Old Times (reply) |
Posted by: LC
Date Posted: May 1st, 2024, 9:46pm |
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Just read the script.
In all honesty Yuvraj, the dialogue in this one needs a revamp and the tone in some areas feels a little disjointed in parts.
Feel free to take or leave my suggestions. That said, I hope you take this feedback in the spirit intended.
On an armchair
Should really be something like: Seated in an armchair.
Try to combine in description that first image of Edna with the glow from the fire. By that I mean everything feels itemised and could be integrated more. Imagine the visual in your head - an older lady sitting contentedly by the fire in a modest sitting room and then there's a knock at the door.
You were always super sensitive in
winters. I'm good.
I'd suggest...
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Old Times (reply) |
Posted by: Yuvraj
Date Posted: May 1st, 2024, 5:31pm |
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Hi Yuvraj. Please don’t take my comments on dialogue the wrong way. I totally get the situation that occurs and I just wondered about language and how people speak to one another. But this is an odd situation your characters are enduring so I might be forgiven for not fully taking that on board at a glance. I loved the narrative and would have liked more to indulge myself with. That’s the problem with shorties. Best. |
Noted. Thanks, John. |
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The initial quarter to half of the script is engaging, humorous, and demonstrates excellent writing. The characters are distinct with witty dialogue, and the story flows well. I really enjoyed reading the dialogue. This screenplay offers a creative and amusing approach to the slasher genre that horror fans will enjoy. While the connection to the logline isn't immediately apparent, it becomes clearer as the story develops, revealing a comedy-leaning narrative within the horror context. One suggestion is to create a more unique costume for the killers rather than relying on the conventional black attire and ski mask, although it remains functional within the slasher genre. Additionally, incorporating more horror elements would enhance the nar...
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Call me sadistic but i found this one an engaging and quite startling read (in a good way).
I certainly wouldn't forget it if I saw it all play out on screen.
Thanks for the read. |
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Review, I do not know yet how these things are supposed to be formatted. Some spelling errors, lots of sentences that are questions in the dialogue that are formatted with periods, so many that I thought maybe that's what you're supposed to do but then intermixed are a bunch of question marks so that's confusing.
There was a line that says, "Where the unexplained remains unexplained" just feels a bit off but what do I know?
a homeless man knowing the future is so used in these kind of things where something mysterious is in the hero's head. Maybe consider a better way to do that other than another homeless person knowing things.
It would be fun to see how they travel back to ...
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Thank you, LC. I just finally had figured it out  . Will do! |
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The In-Between (reply) |
Posted by: LC
Date Posted: May 1st, 2024, 9:55am |
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Just click on the bolded script title next to the writer's name.
You might like to post your review here for the writer as well. |
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Showing 1 - 30 (19513 results found)
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