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Please Recycle (currently 3502 views) |
Don |
Posted: March 12th, 2013, 6:48pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16472 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Please Recycle by Tolofari - Short, Comedy, Spoof - No class of individuals is exempt from the fight towards a cleaner, greener earth. 1 page - pdf, format |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Bogey |
Posted: March 12th, 2013, 7:00pm |
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New
LocationThe Chair Posts232 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Tolofari-
Some formatting and grammar errors, including too many "we see" rather than just sticking to the description.
Also, try to write in the present tense, and avoid the "ing" endings.
That being said, the ending made me smile, and I could totally see this concept as a scene in a film.
Good luck!
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Reply: 1 - 17 |
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Heretic |
Posted: March 12th, 2013, 7:01pm |
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January Project Group
LocationVancouver, British Columbia, Canada Posts2023 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
It's funny. It definitely is, in a "hee hee" kinda way rather than a belly laugh.
Does it say anything worthwhile about recycling? Not really. Is it supposed to? |
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Reply: 2 - 17 |
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RegularJohn |
Posted: March 12th, 2013, 7:14pm |
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New Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.
Posts276 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
What's up, Tolofari.
Yeah, you've got some formatting problems but as far as the read, pretty funny.
I suggest a line stating that the dumpster is plastic in a new paragraph following the shooters getaway. It's a way of showing that the camera is still on the dumpster without using the word, "camera" in your action lines.
A bit of a clean up and you've got a nifty little short on your hands. Good job, man. Savin' mother earth, haha I can dig it.
Johnny |
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Reply: 3 - 17 |
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dogglebe |
Posted: March 12th, 2013, 7:37pm |
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Guest User
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This was a cute read. The biggest problem with it is that you have this hu-u-u-u-uge paragraph, telling the whole story.
Break it down into smaller paragraphs.
Phil |
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Reply: 4 - 17 |
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Sandra Elstree. |
Posted: March 12th, 2013, 8:02pm |
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Of The Ancients What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?
LocationBowden, Alberta Posts3664 Posts Per Day 0.60 |
Awesome!!! Your format is way off, but hey, we don't even need to recycle paper on this one. Just do the screenwriter's text book thing on format and re-write. Nice job. Sandra |
| A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Reply: 5 - 17 |
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Reef Dreamer |
Posted: March 13th, 2013, 2:51pm |
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Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2612 Posts Per Day 0.56 |
Arh, that old hook....one page
Makes life so easy.
Yes, I liked that as well, and also agree on the formatting. It would have made a sound entry in the Movie poet one page challenge, if formatted. You will find an example in my link below with my script Alone, may help.
You could even extract a tad more comedy, if the handle was wooden for example, as he painfully has to decide whether wood or metal etc all while the police arrive. Indeed, I could see this expanded to two pages as they debate which one, whilst the gunman suddenly realises and makes a silent break for it.
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| My scripts HERE
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr |
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Reply: 6 - 17 |
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DV44 |
Posted: March 14th, 2013, 9:23pm |
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Been Around
LocationCalifornia Posts510 Posts Per Day 0.12 |
Tolofari,
Formatting issues aside this was funny. Very clever. Just need to go back and clean it up.
Best of luck,
Dirk |
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Reply: 7 - 17 |
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Tolofari |
Posted: March 17th, 2013, 1:54am |
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Thanks guys for all the comments. I'm glad you all found it funny. And yeah, "1 page" was part of the hook. I'll definitely take y'alls advice about formatting. PEACE!. |
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Reply: 8 - 17 |
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Tolofari |
Posted: March 17th, 2013, 2:25am |
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Thank you guys for your comments. I'm glad you all found it funny. And yes "1 page" was part of the hook. I will definitely take y'alls advice about formatting. PEACE! |
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Reply: 9 - 17 |
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alffy |
Posted: March 17th, 2013, 2:52pm |
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Old Timer
LocationThe bleak North East, England Posts2187 Posts Per Day 0.33 |
Tolofari, I cracked this open and was going to stop when I saw the big block of text but as it was only half a page I continued lol.
Obviously you need to break this up and then you'll have a half decent little skit. It's kind of stupid but that's what makes it funny. Not much else to say for a 30 second piece.
Not bad. |
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Reply: 10 - 17 |
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Sham |
Posted: March 17th, 2013, 4:51pm |
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LocationUSA Posts359 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Hey Tolofari,
Can't add much since everything has already been said. Break it down, avoid passive verbiage, and you've got a nifty little skit. Great job.
Chris |
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Reply: 11 - 17 |
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Gaviano |
Posted: March 20th, 2013, 6:43am |
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New I write therefore I am...
LocationNorthern Ireland Posts63 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Hey Tolofari,
You should pitch this to an advertising company lol
I giggled. Good job.
-Gavin |
| The MacBook is mightier than the Sword
Read me: HOME (9pgs) DAY 67 (10pgs)
twitter: @logiebaird If you're a filmmaker feel free to contact me via email concerning my current screenplays or to request some of my other work. |
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Reply: 12 - 17 |
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Colkurtz8 |
Posted: April 5th, 2013, 7:49pm |
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Old Timer
Location--> Over There Posts1731 Posts Per Day 0.30 |
Tolofari
Whoa, that’s a big block of action lines after the aerial view of the city. Break them up into blocks of four lines each or less.
Having said that, the writing is actually quite good and it’s a funny scene too. Which is a shame since most people are going to be completely turned off by the presentation that they probably won’t even bother reading it.
More suited to a sketch comedy show, a skit or something, then an actual short script but I guess there is no forum for that on the boards so it goes in here.
Not much to say except that it amused me.
Col. |
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Reply: 13 - 17 |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: April 6th, 2013, 4:53pm |
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Guest User
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I cannot add to any of the other comments, suffice to say I enjoyed it. Could possibly make a good government information advert. Although I am sure anti gun campaigners would be up in arms over it... but it would definitely work in getting the relevant message across. Nice piece of work... aside from the obvious formatting issues. |
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Loulou |
Posted: April 6th, 2013, 9:49pm |
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Posts40 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Great little skit piece, Tolofari! I was almost turned off the by the big paragraph but glad I stuck to it and kept on.
Lou |
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Reply: 15 - 17 |
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nawazm11 |
Posted: April 6th, 2013, 10:50pm |
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Been Around
Posts945 Posts Per Day 0.21 |
I remember reading this a while back. It made me smile. Definitely shows format isn't as important as story. |
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Reply: 16 - 17 |
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Phil Pritchard |
Posted: January 19th, 2022, 10:08pm |
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Thanks guys for all the comments. I'm glad you all found it funny. And yeah, "1 page" was part of the hook. I'll definitely take y'alls advice about formatting. PEACE!. |
Hi Tolofari, I'd like to produce this. Would be great to discuss with you? Cheers, Phil Pritchard. ... Phil, I took out your number for security. Email is available for this writer if you click on the username. Just be aware there's been no login since 2017, so email is your best bet. Good luck! LC. |
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
LC - January 19th, 2022, 10:44pm | | |
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