Hmm, as a side note, what happened to Kevin S?
...
Hi Colin, you have a really good script here. I feel it needs some work but it has all the ingredients of good story-telling. When you're done with a couple more drafts I think you should consider entering it into some Comps.
My notes below are just concerning your opening.
Take out your phone numbers on the title page and amend the date to 2024. This is new for all intents and purposes unless you posted it previously.
The sound of rain splattering against the ground. use another verb, you have mud-splattered below. Perhaps torrential rain.
You need to Fade In to the Farmyard otherwise we're still Over Black.
Nixon turns in the direction to see MIKE (1 mixed race,
handsome, brings something cool to the academic. His
girlfriend MANDY (17) walks by his side — a hint of Hispanic
but a whole lot of girl-next-door appeal.
Some odd phrasing. I'd just make her Hispanic btw.
Jus got our applications to Yale in.
Typo: Just.
You're using an abbreviation for just without noting it as such with ' and there's no reason to do that imho.
MANDY
Mandy's not sure she could handle
your ego under such circumstances.Querying whose dialogue this is? Is she speaking about herself?
Correct jus' to just. It doesn't come off well.
Consumed by raw feelings towards himself, Nixon simply nods.Do you mean feelings of insecurity?
I'll post lines that could do with a revamp/rethink. Jmho, of course
There's a strange meaningful moment between the two.
Some jog the parameter. (typo)
Perimeter
When you recommend
someone, you sure-be-damned better
mean it...you know that.Suggest something like:
You better be damned sure of it, maybe?
sprinkler schtk schtk
sprinkler continues to sprinkle and
pulsate in the background.Sprinkler sprinkles? I think you're trying to describe the rhythmic thwacking sound of the sprinkler. You could use onomatopoeia: something like: shhhh-tik-tik-tik...
He sprints perhaps, (so as to differ action line)
All our concerned. Change to - concerned glances, perhaps.
FLASH POV SHOT --
We're sprinting across a muddy field, the ground beneath us
saturated, our army-issue boots caked in mud. Gripping
tightly onto our rifles, we breathe heavily, feeling the
weight of the exertion.Is this one soldier?
You have a real talent for describing these battlefield scenes, and the London (different era) scenes. Very nice.
Thomas stays quiet, huddled up against his wooden shelter.
Upon closer inspection, there's a resemblance between him and
Nixon. Perhaps not entirely in appearance, but certainly in
aura.A resemblance only? I think he'd better be a doppleganger. I'm pretty sure whoever you'd get to play your lead would play both roles. This is the whole purpose of your story - imho. He'd just have a different hairstyle, maybe a bigger build.
P9
He leaps from his position
Not exactly sure which soldier this is.The lieutenants made it!The Lieutenant's made it.
Or: The Lieutenant made it.
THOMAS
There is better than here.Maybe: Anywhere's better than here. We're sitting ducks. C'mon!
Thomas stares, "The horrific reality of war" as the sounds of
continued bombardment surround (s) him.I'm not too fond of the bit in quotes. It takes us out of the story.
FADE TO BLACK:
SOFT FEMALE VOICE
Stay with me.Maybe a Pre-lap here, and then you need a scene heading.
INSERT:
The head of a BRUNETTE WOMAN, illuminated against the black backdrop. Her beautiful eyes gaze deeply, softened by a faint and tender smile.Take out 'head' and replace with 'face'. I think that's what you're going for here.
This enchanting woman blurs into...The vision of the woman, or her face, would vanish or disappear.
Regarding the scene in which Nixon is injured:
Nixon
Awe...You're describing him in pain so this would be more likely 'ugh' or he groans. Not 'aww' or 'awe'.
head buried into a clipboard.head buried in a clipboard
PHYSIO
Slight sprain here,
(points to it)
on the left neck tendon, but will
heal.Your use of fragments here and it's not easy to read.
You could improve on that.
This does not sound professional and the Physio would sound professional in both his diagnosing of Nixon's injuries and suggesting the remedy.
He'd likely say something like: it's a tendon sprain, or Cervical sprain, commonly known as whiplash. And point to the scans.
And is it called 'benched' when they're out of play for a period of time? You want to use correct terminology for your specialist characters.
Subscribe you some oxycodon (add an e I think
This would be 'prescribe' btw, and a Physio cannot prescribe Oxy or any other meds, at least not on my neck of the woods . Anti-inflammatory meds over the counter, but not something of this strength. Only a team doctor could. Oxycodone is also so well known for its addictive effects and also ruining lives that I thought oh-oh, this is going to be about addiction. Or it's going to enhance his visions, but you don't make either connection much to my relief, and nor does it have any bearing on the rest of the story, so I'd rethink that choice.
You should be pleased, You should be relieved perhaps?
Nixon walks alone along the campus paths, a school bag
casually slung over his shoulder. A mountain of thoughts
weighs heavily on his mind.Is this shortly afterwards? He has a bag on his shoulder after a neck injury?
A mountain of thoughts
weighs heavily on his mind (tell)
Perhaps, eyes cast down.
Looks as if he carries the Weight of the world on his shoulders.
NIXON
...
Can you spare twenty?Sounded to me like dollars, which would be odd.
Hmm... Maybe, 'wanna grab something to eat/a coffee? Or, can you spare a few minutes?
abruptly quiversflinches perhaps?
Nixon, with his bag casually slung over his shoulder,
Still with the shoulder and his bag. Perhaps leave it out altogether! Just have him strolling to his door.
Okay, I'll stop there.
I'd look through and aww where you tend to overcomplicate dialogue and description. Sometimes keeping it simple works best.
Your story is really good.
I'll come back with some more thoughts in this a bit later.
Well done, Colin!
Hope my notes help.