The Dead Guy by (how crazy it might sound... - While vacationing in a stranded cottage, a young couple witness a devastating car accident whose participant might be better off left alive than dead...  Short, Horror

This creeeeeped me out. I have been in similar situations where I reported a crime late at night. It was a deliberately set gas explosion. 911 told me to call back if I saw fire. It was pitch black like in this story. I didn't see any bodies but I expected to. To add to the excitement and frustration, I was in the building when it exploded.

This story brought me back to that moment. My hands are shaking. I could see myself reacting the same way as the protagonist. I did not see the twist in the end coming.  Ya got me.

Hey Writer

I guess the overriding thing that struck me with this story is that I couldn't connect it to the OWC theme, as in the "fever dream revenge". Unless I'm being really stupid

Putting that aside, thought it was a mostly well-written and tense tale. Definitely nailed the genre requirements.

I thought your writing was fine when you got into your action narrative. I would say though, and subjectively so, the opening scene describing the cottage and its surroundings went into a bit of writing overkill. Some will disagree but for me, I just wanna get into the story and feel you could have nailed the setting with fewer words.

Liked the dialogue.

Whilst your story was tense and engaging, I couldn't quite grasp exactly what had transpired or should I say why it had transpired -- but I'm sure others will. Well done for keeping me engaged!

Ahoy how crazy it might sound -- MY spidey senses tells me this is from a UK writer? Hmm, did they actually witness this accident or more like heard it. I'd definitely give Boyfriend/Girlfriend actual names. True story or not. Back to my thinking of a UK writer - usually when folks call 911 - there's an emergency response; ambulance, police, ect...

I thought it was odd that an insurance man and judge needed to be present. Maybe it's the way it's done there or for plot sake here, which I suspect. Just a trivial thought.

Anywaz. a speed bump; Pale as a robe, didn't get that... forcing himself outta sleep? I assume you mean he's trying not to fall asleep?

While I liked the ending - I'm iffy on whether you met the parameters. I'll give it a second pass prior to voting. It's definitely creepy. Best of Irish luck! _ghostie gal

Okay, so dead guy was not actually dead and gets his revenge by killing the GF, given BF left him for dead. I liked the shock ending
"I TOLD YOU DON'T LET ME DIE". I wasn't expecting it.

I think that could be better worded more effectively though. More accusatory perhaps - I told you not to let me die, or I warned you.

The crossbow in the car indicates the two car-crash victims were up to no good but I couldn't see the link. It might have been cool if the GF died with a crossbow through her heart instead of bites and scars.

I'm picking up on perhaps English not being your first language? If that's not the case then the odd phrasing is due to time constraints.

I didn't get the fever dream aspect to the narrative.

Overall this needs tweaking quite a bit, cut back on the descriptions, fine tune the dialogue etc. That said this has the bones to be really good.

P.S. As Andrea pointed out, please give your characters names.

It was creepy, to be sure, and the idea that the ghost of the dying man took his revenge by killing the one who was most dear to the man who allowed him to die makes for a very good terror tale.  While the dying man was undoubtedly feverish, no dream was indicated in the story.  That leaves it outside the requirements of the challenge, but it was a good, creepy story.

The ending was surprising. I liked it. It is a horror story so it is better to add more suspenseful elements to the previous pages to build up tension gradually that leads us to the horrible ending.

Michael

This was difficult to get through, I'm guessing because you're from Australia or the UK and there was a language barrier.

I made it through the whole script, but none of it seemed plausible.
Plus the main character, "Boyfriend", didn't have a dream. Or if he did, it wasn't apparent.

As I go...

• Page 1. "...middle of Wyoming to parallel dimension." What does this mean? It's a little prosaic for my taste. Most of your script is too wordy without adding anything.
  
• Page 1. "Glimpse over the side road, good shaped but empty as demon's soul. Looks like last car passed around mid '86." See above. This is the last example I'll give, but you get the idea.
  
• Page 1. "Moving closer a neat compound is revealed." I don't really like camera directions unless they're absolutely needed to achieve a very specific effect. Plus there should be a comma after closer. Without it the line reads awkwardly.
  
• Page 1. "Outta vintage postcard." This is what makes me think you're from the UK or Australia. You're writing like people speak, which reads strangely to non-native speakers.
  

I read the whole thing but there just wasn't much to grab me.

It felt like a paint by numbers horror story.
If the driver had a hook for a hand that would have been the cherry on top.

Congratulations on finishing an OWC.
Unfortunately this wasn't my kind of story.

As I mentioned on another thread, I usually read these through twice - this piece was not an exception.  I still have questions.  As others have mentioned, I did not see where there was a fever dream involved in the story, so don't believe that parameter was met.  Also, as others mentioned, some of the set-up wording needs to be edited and trimmed.  However, this is a very good basis for a short horror story.  Creepy surroundings, creepy characters - a really unexpected twist with the girlfriend's revenge murder at the end.  Oh, and I got a laugh (maybe not supposed to be funny) out of the emergency line telling him that an insurance person had to be there before anyone else.   They wish! You don't by any chance sell insurance do you?  LOL.  Good job cramming all that into a few short pages.  Thanks for sharing in this OWC!

Off the bat there are quite a few typos that can be fixed with a re-read, and there's an attempt to give the script itself a certain tone that didn;t quite work for me, but I did appreciate the attempt.

Not really sure I see the fever-dream either, or a dream, so connection to the parameters is iffy...

Story wise, well there's some interesting visuals but doesn't quite gel for me as there's a lack of internal logic that kept making me re-read bits.

So... D.A. says he had an experience that makes this believable. Okay, that helps, because I really couldn't understand the boyfriend's actions or the actions of 911. None of that worked for me. I was questioning every single action. So... D.A. bought you some leeway there.

The good: Nice twist there at the end. My take: the guy in the car was begging to be saved, not only because he wanted to be saved, but because if he died, he knew he'd kill anyone around.

That's definitely something you can build off of. There's a Twilight Zone feel to that idea...if you make the boyfriend deliberate in his inaction to help.

I highly recommend you play around with that, because it's strong.

Notes: Definitely name the characters. It helps the reader connect to them.

The decisions you punted: "could be any time late autumn to early winter" and "could be anywhere..." I can see where there are stories you might want to be vague with. But, most times it's better to be specific. You're trying to paint a picture. More specifics help.

Example... if you make it early winter, along back roads in the mountains... are the roads icy? Did that cause the accident? Is that why the emergency personnel can't get there? Taking the time to make ALL of the decisions can inform your storytelling. And, help us see what you see.

OWC: Sorry, but I don't see any attempt to meet the main parameter. I REALLY hate to DQ a script, and I try to be as broad as possible in interpreting a script... but, there has to be some attempt to meet it.

Bottom line, good idea. I hope you take some time to develop it further.

Thanks for sharing!
Paul

Hi writer

Certainly readable - I especially liked some of your descriptions (barring instances of typos etc obviously). You have a strong authorial voice.

Dialogue feels cheesy throughout - almost silly. Maybe that's a stylistic choice. Example:

BOYFRIEND I dunno. (beat) Stay calm. I think it was an earthquake. GIRLFRIEND No way...nothing's shaking...some kind of an explosion...It came from outside. BOYFRIEND Yea I know...I...dunno. (coming to senses) Power's off. I'll go and take a look. GIRLFRIEND NO! BOYFRIEND I have to take a look. GIRLFRIEND I'm not stayin' here alone. BOYFRIEND Be my guest outside.

This whole sequence of back and forth felt "off". I tend to get more bothered by stylised dialogue than other people thought.

But like I said - very readable. I don't know if it quite fits the parameters but I also kind of like when OWC scripts stretch the rules a little.

Hi Writer

First page is too overwritten for me, and you don't use ellipses correctly.

Is the whole thing a fever dream because it comes across as a bit nonsensical to me (the emergency services reaction mostly).

I think the whole thing lacks substance, reads more like a cheesy campfire horror story complete with "shock" murder at the end.

Best of luck to you

I like this story, although it needs work. I would definitely
recommend making it more logical (the 911 call), so it's grounded
in reality.
Think about playing with the various story angles: We follow the BF
to the crash scene the first time around. He gets a case of guilty
conscience and when he goes back the second time, one of the dead
men is gone.
As well as the crossbow.
Or try the GF's POV. Maybe she sees her BF down the road, returning
after investigating the accident and then gets a cell call from BF still at
the crash site. He says one of the dead men is missing.

Consider using the cell phone(s) as a means of drumming up
suspense. How about the BF reporting the accident and the 911
operator unable to hear him? As if he is dead.
Your story doesn't fit the OWC, but I think it has potential. Keep going.