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Hey,
I loved this script and would love to produce it.
Please let me know if you are interested. |
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Thank you for reading, but I disagree with your feedback.
I didn't want red herrings or misdirection. Cassie's first scene has Micah pulling her over and he gives her verbal warning. That was on purpose. There's some revelations about how Andy died, but I knew the climax would involve Cassie and Micah.
I've never seen Bosch so I don't get the comparison.
I grew up in this small town, and when there's only one restaurant that's nicer than a Denny's, it's where people go.
I don't understand the comment about Jude's capabilities or work pressures. He's the owner/operator/bartender/cook when needs be. Again, small town restaurant. There's not a lot of staff.
The love scene was always part of the script. Ca...
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I should add here that by far the most important lesson from both your replies is one not particularly invited by my question, i.e., STOP DIRECTING ON THE PAGE!
As my screenplay is a thriller, and as there are a few concealed weapons, etc, involved, there will certainly be times when I need to indicate POV or the like...
HOWEVER...
The instant I wake up tomorrow I'm going to go through my work like a dose of salts (Irish expression) and remove EVERYTHING that looks like fussy direction. Promise. And I would not have done so were it not for your very kind, expert and thoughtful comments. Regards Paul |
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A MILLION THANKS ANTHONY AND LON!
I cannot tell you the amount of time and trouble you've saved me, thank you. I note that you differ with Riley, who puts the theme of a Montage first and then adds hyphen and MONTAGE.
Your way makes more sense, and I feel comfortable doing it now that you've noted both the use of montage themes AND the use of the word MONTAGE before rather than after.
Thanks for telling me that SHOCK CUT KNIFE: is a transition. As it would take a lot of lines to add a knife-related scene slug thereafter (not to mention a clunky BACK TO SCENE, etc) can I take it that we've disposed of both the cut AND the knife in that single, right-of-page SHOCK CUT KNIFE: ?
What could or would the next line plausibly be? Would ...
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I use David Trottier's Screenwriter's Bible for all my formatting queries, |
Same. I've read lots of screenwriting books over the years but TSB is still the gold standard, IMO.
As to the questions at hand:
SHOCK CUT. That's a transition. Transitions are flushed right. If you're talking about cutting to a knife, you can do that without using a transition. There are a lot of tricks writers can use to lead the viewer's eyes, and one of those is using CAPS (more on this below). If you write something like, "Bob pulls a KNIFE," the reader is likely going to cut to a close-up of a knife in their mind's eye. Mission accomplished, no stage direction or transition needed.
A MONTAGE is...
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The Note (reply) |
Posted by: JtF
Date Posted: Today, 12:37pm |
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Dear Chris,
what a neat trailer and such fantastic music - building, suspenseful, with release and then triumphant choir climax. Indeed a song without words (ok just 2)
All best - JtF |
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Dear Austin,
IMHO it needs better plotting. There's not a lot of misdirection, or other suspects to keep you guessing. The bar scenes don't really show Jude's capabilities or work pressures (to distract) and Micah really makes it obvious - so the ground is set here for more of the Police to be in on it.
The love scene looks to me added as an afterthought. If I had a GBPound for every girl I said I'd had a crush on . . .
It's more TV rather than films where I watch this genre and they have so many more layers. I can't image Bosch having so many bar scenes. . . Movement - light and shade - intrigue - suspense -
The way to get Cassie to see the restricted Police files would be to have her honeytrap one of the corrupt officers (who...
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I use David Trottier's Screenwriter's Bible for all my formatting queries, SHOCK CUT is in there but the very briefest of mentions and connected to SMASH CUT.
Given that it is a kind of CUT I would suggest right hand side.
Though, current wisdom would query why you would use things like this or SMASH CUT etc, they are often considered directing on the page and not necessarily something the writer has control over (and can be distracting)... but it's up to you really.
On your other areas...
1) I tend to use MONTAGE... Trottier has a couple of pages on the subject though.
2) Paper size in relation to what? Scipts are rarely printed these day until you get to shooting and even then not always printed, so I'm not ...
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| You're very kind, thank you. I had no idea that a post, particularly from a new member, would find itself in such careful hands — or indeed in any hands at all, other than those invented by some dreadful AI machine. Thanks again. I will drink the Kool Aid, promise, but for now can you just give me a quick hint as to how I might post on MY OWN thread? Advanced class will be learning how to do it on other threads. Sorry! |
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No question about it: BAD in all cases except when they have been specifically requested by someone you need to listen to, i.e., name director, money person, etc.
Riley is quite unequivocal about this: numbering is a function of production, and to add them when you're submitting shows hubris and a lack of understanding of both protocols and etiquette.
So I'm afraid I cannot go along with the more agnostic replies.
They're a lot of trouble to add, they cannot help and they MIGHT hurt... so why put ’em in?
By the way, if you submit it WITHOUT scene numbering and some wannabe asks you, "Where are the scene numbers?", they are revealing merely their own inexperience — with a side-order of rudeness — so do not be influenced...
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Hi Paul, welcome to SS.
I'm in a different timezone so am hitting the hay. Just wanted to acknowledge your posting.
I've moved your post to the more relevant section. There's a lot of info to be found in Screenwriting Class. You can do a search at the bottom of the page to see if your question/s may have already been answered.
That said, hopefully some others will chime in with an opinion.
FYI: A quick Q&A to SS, and how best to navigate the site is linked below. 
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/s-new/ |
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A slave to Cole & Haag for many years, now a faithful acolyte of Riley, I was surprised to find that neither book was much help on a current re-write. Five key questions (and a lot of niggles) are now open for your kind advice and comment:
SHOCK CUT KNIFE
Where should this or other SHOCK CUTs go? As a possible close relative to MATCH CUT: or CUT TO:, it would seem to belong to the right-hand side of the page. My own personal preference, for putting is as a minor scene slug, flush left, does not appear in C&H OR Riley, neither in specific instructions nor in examples/sample screenplays. I would use it as I have it, flush left, were it nor for worries that it may be assumed to be a rookie formatting error. If ...
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The Note (reply) |
Posted by: LC
Date Posted: Today, 6:30am |
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Congrats, Chris!
Looks like you're getting a lot of kudos from this one.
I look forward to seeing the film. |
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The Note (reply) |
Posted by: cbead
Date Posted: Today, 5:54am |
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Filmed.
15 Official Selections and 22 Individual Awards around the world!
Not on public access yet, awaiting some more festival results, but here is the trailer/ teaser.
https://youtu.be/BL9nNdMQdWQ?feature=shared
Website
https://the-note.my.canva.site/
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| Only the names change. The narrative remains the same. A bit like government policies. Nothing changes. |
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Well-written, but the material is simply too unpleasant for my tastes and I quickly began skimming, sorry to say.
The bus ending reminds me of the final scene of Ghost World. |
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No, it's the anonymity. Because we're on the Internet.
Except fraudsters, scammers, spammers, trolls and identity thieves.
In which ocean?
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That makes sense, I guess.
To which ocean is irrelvant, since we are all a "particle of our/a continent."
I still prefer Bongo Drum tho. The beat goes on. |
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Dear John,
seedy and salacious goings ons in the shady side of town. I enjoyed the visualisation of the top hatted falcon but it does seem a strange aside. How (indeed why) are they partners in crime. Short and not so sweet I guess.
FYI Drone designers are looking very carefully at Kestrels who can hover motionless in blustery conditions.
Best JtF |
Partners in cime for my suggested Ripper-uppers is always going to be the doctor and his afflicted patient. There can be no other explanation. |
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Timeless Love (reply) |
Posted by: LC
Date Posted: Today, 3:25am |
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| Here's a tip: Send Don an updated draft. Just go to the usual submission link, and tick the box that says: This is an update to a script etc. |
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| Thanks for your feedback. I've already rewritten the whole script but unfortunately it is not available on this site. |
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Art (reply) |
Posted by: Drongo Bum
Date Posted: Yesterday, 10:23pm |
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Bumping this because I did another pass today just for the hell of it, making some minor changes*.
If you read this, remember to take it seriously, because it's art. ART!
*I gave the critics and their intern actual distinct character names, instead of the original CRITIC 1, CRITIC 2 and INTERN. |
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Is it the mask that protects you, I wonder? |
No, it's the anonymity. Because we're on the Internet.
Quoted Text But then no one really cares, do they? |
Except fraudsters, scammers, spammers, trolls and identity thieves.
Quoted Text "No man is an island." |
In which ocean?
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I hang around this group quite a bit and read scripts and comment as times allows. |
Get a job, hippy!
Quoted Text I know you specified “no comments”, however I also am not good at following instructions. |
For a second there I wondered if you were my wife....
Quoted Text In deference though, I will keep my comments to a minimum: |
...but then you wrote that.
Thanks. I work out.
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...made me think that you did this writing lark for a living and you were just floating some of the slush pile for fun... |
I write these during my night shift at 7-Eleven.
Happy you enjoy them, though.
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Doesn't that just mean you don't care if it's picked up for production? |
It depends: Who's picking it up?
Guillermo del Toro? I'm all in.
Ridley Scott? I have reservations. (It'll look great, but the leads will be played by Russell Crowe and Orlando Bloom, and he'll bring in Damon Lindelof to rewrite it, and then I'll have to change my name and go live in a cave.)
Quoted Text I actually think this is some of your best work. |
This is actually an omitted scene from Crow. I cut it for pacing reasons.
Quoted Text I do you think you care too. Can't fool me. |
Maybe not, but you can confuse me. 
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Lid (reply) |
Posted by: Drongo Bum
Date Posted: Yesterday, 7:31pm |
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I like that you like my style.
Quoted Text For the record...for Tom, this was a drama. |
For Tom, this was his density.
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Lid (reply) |
Posted by: Drongo Bum
Date Posted: Yesterday, 7:30pm |
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The only addition that comes to my mind is Major Tom (retired) holding yet another rejection letter from Lockheed Martin Skunkworks regarding a research and development position. |
Or maybe it's just that somebody has to go first.
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I do mean sidles! I blame my Texas accent on that one. I've always pronounced wrong. Thank you for pointing that out to me.
This story started off as a horror short film years ago, and its morphed into a murder mystery.
I'm basing this creek on one we had behind my house when I was growing up. It wasn't really a river, but bigger than a stream.
I'm not too worried about the first page right now. I'd like to know if the actual murder mystery makes sense and is believable. I can always go back and punch up the first page later.
Thanks again for reading!
Cheers,
Austin |
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Nightmare Creek (reply) |
Posted by: LC
Date Posted: Yesterday, 6:56pm |
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... I'm not sure where there is a typo. Saddles is spelled correctly. I thought, "he joins or" or "he stands next to her" were boring, so I went with saddles. It's not spelled wrong. |
I think you mean: sidles.
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Nightmare Creek (reply) |
Posted by: LC
Date Posted: Yesterday, 6:52pm |
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Austin, I'm pretty sure I read (at least the opening of this) and gave comments a while ago. Maybe it was a WIP at some point?
The opening is clean in terms of no obvious errors but I think it could pack more of a punch and the action be sped up. The transition to Andy hurling himself into the water could be made clearer.
This (below) is effectively two shots from one character to another - the stalked and the pursuer.
He jumps into the water.
The shadowy figure of a BOY (15) runs after him.
I suggest you finish that shot with him jumping, and then start a new scene-header for the pursuer. That specific action line kinda got lost and it's a pivotal moment.
Also, when Andy throws hims...
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