Deja Reve by Sleeping Beauty - A young doctor believes he has witnessed an unspeakable act.  Short, Suspense

Ahoy Sleeping Beauty-- luv the tile btw. Um, clearly you've done your research when it comes to  medical stuff. When Emily said, she found him on the floor and thought he was sleeping seems kinda odd to me. Why not the bed instead. Methinks that would be better. Consider breaking up one or two of your paragraphs towards the end there.

The ending was a tad predictable, but I still enjoyed the story. Parameters met. Best of Irish luck! _ghostie gal

I didn't see the ending coming at all. Then again, it seems I rarely see the twist coming. In fact, I often step on rakes. I'm surprised I still have my teeth.

Anyway, I thought you caught the detail and excitement of the ER. I have had more than my share ER experience, (probably from stepping on rakes) and I found it to be quite accurate.

Nice.

Meets the parameters AND has only one location.  Bravo!  I really was stymied at the idea of keeping it in one location, which finally caused my ideas to pooter out.  A very good story.  Well done.  

P.S. - Good story, but I'm so dense I had to read the ending twice to get it.    

I would like yo know more about the relationship among Jarrod, Emily and Dr. Davis. How is Dr. Davis?

If possible, focus more on the fever.

Michael

As someone who's spent years working in the ER, I found the medical dialogue a little campy (ala Grey's Anatomy) but guessing you weren't writing for review by MDs.  Other than that....wow - what a fever with a feverishly bad outcome!  Agree with others that all the parameters were met.  Thanks for sharing!

This one was chugging along at a good pace, the tension was building, and then it just fizzled out at the end.

I'm guessing the clock got you because you still had 2 pages available to expand on the story, and I wish you had used them.

I wish you would have somehow built up the love triangle a little bit more than just spelling it all out in dialogue. Pictures of the 3 of them, flashback to the wedding speech, and awkward moment before the wedding... something other than just spoken words.

Thanks for the read.

Okay, so parameters were met and I like the way they were done.

I thought the ER stuff was a little OTT and there's a typo or two here and there, but nothing a quick polish won't fix.

Decent effort.

I thought the medical stuff sounded pretty spot-on, and overall this was nicely done.

Nitpicks:

A little bit of extra info/overwriting that you could edit throughout without losing the essence.

DR. DAVIS
I have no idea. He worked his
shift yesterday. He was supposed
to be back in again tonight, but he
called and said he was ill and he’d
see us tomorrow. That’s the last I
heard from him.

Suggest something like:

I have no idea. I saw him
last night and he was fighting fit.
(pause)
Now this? It's crazy.

Or: No idea.
He was fine yesterday.
It makes no sense.

Go easy on the Exclamation points.

Thought you handled this bit (below) very nicely.

DR. DAVIS
No thanks necessary. He’s my
friend. And you know I love you...

A beat as Emily pulls away.

DR. DAVIS (CONT’D)
...both, of course.

Haha! Gotcha.

Meets all the parameters and I was along for the ride. I just found the ending a little abrupt. And I would've liked a bit more re the love triangle - even if in flashback.

Up until the dream, it really was just your standard medical drama episode. Gurney hits the door-throwing it open, wife rushes in, "Get her out of here!", etc. All of it was right down the line. Well-written, yes. But, pretty basic ER scene from just about every medical show I've watched.

The twist helped, but even that was pretty straightforward.

Clearly you can write. And, this was fine. It just left me hoping for more.

Paul

Deja Reve

My first thought is that this story seems so realistic in terms of ER environment, patient response and medical terminology that the writer must work (or did work) in this field, or perhaps have been a longtime junkie of medical TV serials.
That can be a good thing, but can also be a slippery slope in terms of story, which might be the case here.
There is a lot of frantic energy to open the story, so that’s good. The problem for me is that your story is concentrated around the ER and not enough around the characters and how they connect.
It’s like their history is being told to us, not shared with us.
Others have suggested flashbacks and that would help immensely.
When Emily said she found her husband on the floor and thought he was asleep, I took that as there was some “foul play” going on.
The subtle hints that Emily and Dr. Davis have or had a tryst seemed to confirm something hinky going down.
On page 3, you have some huge chunks of action. Maybe break that up and separate the shift in POV and looking down at Emily.
Anyway, this is where I got confused.
So, Dr. Edwards is looking down and seeing Dr. Davis inject Emily with something that is life threatening?
The action got confusing from this point on.
I wasn’t quite sure how to take Davis’ and Emily’s feeling for each other. I think Emily has chosen to be faithful to her husband, but the top of page 6 appears that might not be the case.
I know Davis still has a thing for Emily.
Everything leads to Dr. Edwards committing the ultimate revenge.
I hate to say this, but to me there is a kind of soap opera quality to the story. As if we’ve been following these characters forever and know their backstories.
My thought, as others have said, is to develop your main characters and show us those moments of how they related to each other beyond the ER and hospital. It seems like their story is a bit generic, but that’s your challenge.
I think you might have wanted to minimize the location, but that hurts this story.
The ending is interesting.
You seem to be a pretty talented writer who just got caught up in the deadline pressure of creating a story to meet the challenge guidelines. I would prefer to see you give each character more life. Sorry, didn’t mean to ramble, but I was trying to reread your story and simultaneously respond with a review. Good luck moving forward.

Hi Writer

Very well written. I really felt the fast paced intensity of the ER scene. No idea if any of the medical stuff is actually correct but it sounded believable.

I do love me a tragic ending so yeah. Wonderful.

All the best

Matt

Pasting this from the “Writer’s Choice” thread, for anyone who didn’t see it there. Just wanted to say again - Thank You!  To everyone for all the support and mentoring. You guys are the best!

“Also many thanks to everyone who read and commented on  “Deja Reve”, as always, I appreciate all the constructive ideas for improvement shared. I did try to write it more in the tone of a TV medical drama. If I had used the real lingo of the ER, no one could have understood a word and it would have had to be entered as a “Foreign Language” script  ”

PARAMEDIC doesn't have a proper name, you're wasting space by explaining that it's a man.

Code CLOSE on a NURSE, SARA, 20s, as she gets a glimpse of the PATIENT, JARROD EDWARDS, 35, male, being rushed into an ER bay, her eyes fly open in surprise. She looks up to see a DOCTOR, ETHAN DAVIS male, 30s running to the scene.

Would Jarrod be a female? Try to keep this in mind when writing from now on. Using unnecessary words detracts from the flow. Also, avoid camera directions unless you really know what you're doing. Here you have at least two shots. It might be three if you count Jarrod being rushed into the ER - which is more likely, in my opinion. A director would flash to Sara's surprise, then move to Jarrod being rushed to the ER, and then an extra shot would be required for Sara's reaction to the doctor. Doctor does not need uppercase and neither does nurse in these instances.

Twenty-two-year-old nurse SARA's eyes fly open in surprise as
the paramedics wheel JARROD EDWARDS (35) into an ER bay.

Dr ETHAN DAVIS (35), barges Sara's shoulder, hurtling in
after them.

Keep your sentences as tight as possible and try not to worry too much about how it will be filmed.

Code SARA (frantically) It’s Dr. Edwards!

(frantic) suffices.

Code Dr. Davis, equally concerned, looks to the patient, then to the Paramedic.

Ever the professional, Dr Davis covers his concern.

Code PARAMEDIC Not sure, sir. We got a call for an unresponsive patient. When we arrived on the scene, we found it was Dr. Edwards. His wife was with him. She called 911 on arriving home and finding him on the floor. She followed us in. She should be here shortly.

Straight away I was jarred by the use of 'sir' here. This is a paramedic/doctor relationship. Sure, the doctor earns more money, but, sir?

Keep at it. Screenwriting is tough to master. Rome wasn't built in a day. Blah, blah, blah.

Straight away I was jarred by the use of 'sir' here. This is a paramedic/doctor relationship. Sure, the doctor earns more money, but, sir?
[/b]
[b]Keep at it. Screenwriting is tough to master. Rome wasn't built in a day. Blah, blah, blah.[/quote]

Thanks so much for reading and commenting on my script.

As to the term "sir".  I've been an ER nurse for years - still there.  Even though some of the doctors may be closer to my son's age, they are still the "captain of the ship".  Nothing moves unless they order it.  I doubt a sailor on a ship would reply to his commander, "Whatever, Dude"
when responding to an order.    I even supervised a young orderly once that was working his way through school.  Years later, he returned as an Orthopedic surgeon.  He still referred to me as "Ma'am" and I always replied with "Yes, sir".  To be clear, I from the (U.S.) South - and sir and ma'am are still big here - just respectful, not insinuating that you are "less than" their position.

And boy do I agree - screenwriting is tough to master, but I will keep chipping away at it.  I've learned so much in the short year I've been with this group.  All credit for any small improvements goes to my fabulous friends at Simply Scripts.

Sorry to say I wasn’t really feeling this one.  
The tension was there but the dialogue was meh in my opinion I felt some of  it was kind of bland and on the nose.  
   I also wish you would have developed the characters a little more show more scenes with the love triangle beyond the hospital instead of telling us through dialogue.  

Good effort but just not for me.