Bea Witch by Daniel Sánchez - A Disney obsessed little girl thinks there's a witch in her dreams, or in her waking life, or maybe both!  Short, Horror

A few nitpicks:

Just give us the feel of the kitchen decor e.g. ultra modern, all mod cons. Unless cherrywood cabinets are relevant, it's a waste of words. Same thing with the specific decor for the bedroom. Just give us the general feel.

Jenny seems sting by the words.
Jenny's stung by the/her words.
Seems is not necessary. She either is or isn't.
No need to CAP Aunt throughout.

No need for LARGE KITCHEN as a slugline. Kitchen is fine.

I'm not sure where the act of revenge and it backfiring comes into play. Perhaps if Jenny had got Aunt Bea sacked... Needs a little unexpected twist to the tale.

Anyway, a nice entertaining read.
Thank you for partaking.

Perfectly fine in terms of the guidelines/rules IMO (I think “attempted revenge” is close enough to vengeance), although arguably does Jenny actually have a fever dream? (May have misread it).

I found the central conceit a little obvious or easy to guess - as soon as she spoke to her Mum and mum rebuked her, I knew it was going to end with a hair and switch where Aunty is ACTUALLY a witch, which is what happened.

That would be fine if there was something else in there to grab onto, like a fascinating character dynamic, amazing dialogue, or a stylistic choice that was enjoyable. But because it’s so short, you basically have to commit all the pages to plotting.

Writing is perfectly fine aside from one or two misstyped words, and the language is clean and clear. I think your action descriptions are nicely efficient and unobtrusive.

I might come back and read this through a third time in case I missed something subtle.

Hey Writer

I thought the writing was excellent - breezed through it. Enjoyed it too.

I guess I'm a little iffy-whiffy as to whether it hits the criteria. It's the "revenge" part, Jenny makes an accusation as opposed to planning full-on revenge.

Dunno if that matter though, this is a strong entry.

Great work.

Ahoy Daniel - as I was reading this that 60s TV show bewitching kept floating in my head. While it's a cute little story -- I have no idea how revenge plays into all of this. It's not like anything happened when Jenny rats Aunt out to her mother or anything. Guess I could be missing something, but I don't think so.

As far as meeting the parameter -- I dunno, why not have Jenny sick in bed with a fever from some strange brew Aunt Bea cooked up and play off of that. Just spit-balling.

Anywaz, like a said, a cute little story. Best of Irish luck! _ghostie gal

Saw it coming, but still had fun getting there.  Jenny had no fever, but horrible dreams-that-weren't-dreams.  I liked it.  A good little girl's creepy story.  Well told.

I have a feeling that the writer was in a hurry to meet the deadline. That's why the ending was abrupt. There were three pages left so the writer could develop more plot about Aunt Bea and Jenny.

However, I liked the part of Aunt Bea and Jenny talking about the floating book and Jenny blamed her for a witch. That could create atmosphere.

Michael

Cute little story that leans (to me) more toward Disney than actual horror.  As to the parameters - there was no "fever dream" just a scary one.  As someone else mentioned, also not sure there was revenge involved - just a little girl discovering that the witch in her dream was really a witch!  Anyway, a very nice little story with excellent writing and character description.  Thanks for sharing!

This had a familiar ring to it - A child seeing something remarkable (albeit possibly in a dream) and is not believed when she reports it.

For some reason, I had trouble following this.

The writing is excellent. Tight, for the most part.

As for the parameters...this definitely rides the line. But, close enough.

The story is fun, if not a bit safe. But hey, with all the Disney mentions, safe is probably a stylistic choice that works overall. (All the Disney mentions create a problem for filming...would there be rights issues? I don't know.)

Overall, well done. Definitely one of the better-written entries.

I liked the tone of this story.  I liked old Aunt Bea. She wasn't
pure meanness or evil, but kind of reminded of Aunt Bea from
the old Andy Griffith show. A sweet old witch.

The dream element was more reality and the revenge factor was
not there. Or was it there?
Loved the dialogue and the exchange between Jenny and Bea.
Maybe a end reversal is that Jenny develops the witchy features and
Aunt Bea threatens to report the kid to her mom. or something
like that.
Anyway, your story seemed to skirt some of the parameters but
it was still a fun read. Keep writing.

Hi Writer

The writing was fine. It wasn't incredible but not bad either.

The story itself was a bit meh. It was coherent enough and played out fine, but nothing about it will stick in the mind for long. It needs it's own USP, a twist, or maybe some better stylistic choices to make it really stand out.

Best of luck to you.

A typo, maybe two, and a couple of niggles not worth pointing out. That aside, a decent story, if well-trodden and predictable. That's not necessarily a bad thing.