MM's Nightmare Halloween by Upson Pratt and the Roaches - Short, Horror, Comedy - MM receives a letter that seriously restricts his Halloween plans. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ahoy writer, or should I say writers.

Roaches? Ew,

Um, this is the second one I read dealing with Michael Myers. But...as a beloved fan of the Halloween franchise - I take exception to this piece! Not - this was definitely far out, this was just fun and entertaining - found myself chuckling quite a bit.  Satan's letter was hilarious. Btw - luv the ending page.

You're a really engaging writer - your descriptions and dialogue are very natural. Overall I enjoyed it. A few nitpicks, none worth mentioning at this time. I liked this for what it was. -A

Okay, second script with MM in... here we go.

And another comedy take on it, smiling at a couple of lines already.

There are some formatting and typo type stuff which you always get with an OWC, e.g. when MM answrs the phone to JL she should be VO or OS as she's not there.

The criteria are here, halloween - tick, midnight deadline - tick, curse - yeah, why not.

This sort of comedic homage doesn't really work for me, but that's me and overall it's a well written script.

Michael should be brought into the current times.  Policemen in one bin, clowns in another and so on.

invisibility - invincibility?

Maccy D's - Mickey D's (The workers wore hats with that on it in the 90s.  Saw them at the turnpike rest stop location)

dumbs - dumps?

I get the feeling that the two scripts containing Laurie Strode were not written by different people.  Just a guess.

This was a little funnier than the other Michael Myers one I read. I liked the letter from Satan, an interesting take on the "curse" guideline.

Calling the Laurie Strode ish character "Jamie Lee" (and the Neve character is, I assume, a Scream thing) felt a bit too similar to the way those Scary Movie parodies worked, in a lazy way. This was much funnier, to me, when the joke were more similar to the interaction with the postman, and the fact that Myers was sitting still in a bare house waiting for something to happen.

A missed opportunity for a joke - Jamie Lee saying Michael moves in mysterious ways, and putting to him walking down the street. Would have been funnier if you played into how obvious and not-subtle Myers is being, like having him actually hold the knife, or covered in blood etc.

Inclusion of the Kardashians on his kill list - it feels like a relatively unfounded pop culture comment. Again like those "X Movie" parodies that randomly include celebrity look alikes. The rest of the list makes narrative sense.

I totally identified with this story.  Absolutely loved the Devil's "Letter" to Michael....and Michael's ensuing frustration.  As a matter of fact, I think my boss has written something similar to me and yes....I went ahead and followed my overwhelming instincts to misbehave and then....proceeded to place him at the top of my "To Kill" list.  Yes, I totally identified. LOL   Seriously though, even though I'm not a fan of  the "Halloween" movies - I only saw the original when it came out way back in 1978 - it was a creative take on the original as well as the unending sequels - thanks for sharing!

Writer,  

Cute and fun little story, but cute and fun just ain’t gonna cut it here. I do appreciate the fact you attempted a full, fleshed out story, though. It was a good attempt. Your phrasing could have been cut way down and less prose-like, which makes for a longer read than it should be. That said, I saw everything you wanted me to see no problem, but the writing itself could use a little touch up. Other than all that, good effort!

Steve

A nice take on the Halloween franchise. The writing was easy to follow and the dialogs were nicely written. The 'killing of Satan' part at the end seemed like a stretch to me. I mean how is it even possible (considering the Satan was a real Satan!) to kill a Satan? If it's just for the humor or a laugh's sake, it can work to some extent, I guess. I like to think that Michael isn't that dumb.

Good luck.  

The Jamie Lee and Neve thing is not really my thing so I'm not your intended audience.

I did enjoy the sounds of the couple making out and Michael walking down the street just itching to get his knife out. That made me chuckle.  

A cameo from Donald Pleasence (aka Dr. Samuel Loomis) would have been the cherry on top. What a guy.

Amazing what you can add to screenplay pages now.
Nice job with the blood spattered list and a creative take on the challenge.

You can call me Grandma Cranky if you like, but this one didn't work for me. Maybe I'm just having a frustrating day in general...

I used to watch a lot of horror movies and am still a fan of them, to a point, but I have actually never seen Halloween, Friday 13th or Scream. Just not my kind of horror, I guess. So, this script landed flat for me. I'm sure the jokes were flying, but I'm afraid I must have missed them all.

Some nitpick stuff like you telling us what Myers is doing in parenthesis in another character's dialogue. You use VERY SLOWLY a lot. Maybe go over your script and see if you can improve some of your wordings. Also, use better action verbs.

Sorry it wasn't my thing. Feel free to ignore.  

Michael? He should be referred to as "The Shape."

6'6!? Maybe Rob Zombie's version, but Nick Castle was only 5'11 when he played The Shape.

Yeah, sorry. But this one isn't for me at all. Seems like whoever wrote this isn't a very big fan of the series.

The writing itself is solid, and you hit the challenge. Just not my thing.