Don't Open That Door by Rameses Diaz - On the night of Halloween, two men are given one simple task: don't open that door.  Short, Horror, Thriller

I loved the simplicity of the premise here, but the script gets bogged down a fair bit. I also like the payoff, though I think it could use a bit more setup.

Choosing to fully show us the room in the flashback is an odd choice that takes a lot of tension out of the story. I'd much rather we had just seen a quick flash through the door, just enough to entice us.

The first full page does nothing but set up the premise that the title already gives us. Rather than soft walking it out, I'd just open with the old man leaving - "And remember gentlemen, one rule. Do not open that door." Save a ton of time and you're paying the actor for a day anyway because he's in the flashback.

Too much of this story is told to us. It'd be nice to find a way for them to see more of the is stuff in the moment, and let us figure out the old man's secrets along with them. Keep things visual.

Good premise that gets overcomplicated and over talky.

PS this is just my fault, but I couldn't help but think of Don't Jerk Off to This, haha.

Hmm, a bit like Waiting for Godot' of horror. Not a lot happens but this:

All you had to do was not open the
door. Couldn't be any simpler.

- holds just too much temptation. Tell someone not to do something...
Not horror-heavy but I liked the simplicity.

P.S. Thanks for the link, Chris. Very funny.  

That's a nice horror story, with a clear moral message: curiosity killed the cat. Nice, simple and efficient.

There is some room for improvement however. For example, Emmanuel seems to swing too easily; in the first part, he sounds like a real straightforward fellow with a high sense of duty, then he suddenly turns into a professional thief; not only does he want to steel the artifacts, but he also wants to sell them and get a 60% cut for himself. That's a bit extreme. It would be maybe more credible if he had yielded out of simple curiosity, or maybe he has a health problem he wants to cure with the amulet...

Also, I'm not sure I got this part of the dialogue (page 4):
"But the packages
were the wrong size, the people were
different. It didn't make sense."

Anyway, great concept, but needs a bit of fine-tuning (and the word "The End" at the end )...

For some strange reason I get the consensus that Mr. Brisby wanted the door opened, but didn’t want to be around when it was, otherwise why would he hire two people to guard the door if it was locked in the first place, and the Stranger was unable to get out by himself unless the door was unlocked? Ah, too many questions, but I have a theory…

Yes, Brisby needed the door opened to release the Stanger from within, how he (Stranger) got there to begin with is a mystery, but we know for sure that when he (Stranger) was released then he would exact some form of diabolical mind control on whomever was in the vicinity, that being the two poor saps that were most likely hired as scapegoats for one of Brisby’s previous deep chasm dives into the dark arts, wherein he somehow tethered a demonic force to his reality but needed a blood sacrifice in some shape or form to untie the bonds that the darkness had shackled to him that loathsome night of demonic parcheesi, ah? Hmm? Ah?

If that’s the case… then quite the puzzling yarn you wove up here.

I could be wrong. Best of luck.

Agree with what somebody above said. Tell me not to d something and I will do it. A little bit adolescent for me.

Long winded meaty action scenes just drive me crazy. Why not break them up?

The ending for me was more told rather than showed. Not a lot else to go on as the comments above would just be repeated.

Just personal taste really, but a good effort regardless.

It seems you got to page 6 and decided to rush it. Kill each other, please.
Well he did say please

Some large blocks of action make it a little harder on the eyes.

So The Stranger was just hanging out in the room waiting for them to open the door and if they didn't he would be locked in there forever.

          THE STRANGER
             All you had to do was not open the
             door. Couldn't be any simpler.

Doesn't sound very appreciative

Solitare seems to be the game on either side of the door.

It wasn't a bad story and it had its moments.

Good job on entering

I don't have much else to add. It reads like it was clipped out of something bigger.

I also didn't understand why Brett and Emmanuel started assailing each other. They ignored the request to not open the door.

From the dialog, I pictured Brett and Emmanuel being played by Abbott and Costello, at least that's what they sounded like to me.

Ahoy Diaz -I dunno. Kind of a different spin on "Don't Go into The Basement." I like the beginning, but I can understand why you'd want a bit more set up - but found myself re-reading chunks of this. Lots of telling, more show. Punch up the ending. I think you've had some really good advice from others. Overall, a pretty cool premise, but its execution could be better. Not bad. Best of Irish luck! -A

This felt like it took a while to get to a payoff that I didn't quite understand.

I think a little less setup and a little more on The Stranger might have helped as I was struggling to really get a picture of him and how/why he has powers.

Decent effort.

Well, Chris, thanks a lot.  I can never look at a bowl of fruit again the same way.

As to the script...

So you can really write, that's for sure.  Some really well crafted action and dialogue on display.  I was fine with everything - everything! - until the Stranger asks the two to kill each other  (by the way, is the Stranger from Steven King's The Dark Tower.  Felt like, as a reader, I needed something just a little more, that it was a bit too simplistic of an ending after all the work you put in to getting the reader there.

(there's a break in the action)

Okay, I went back and re-read the ending.  I'm now actually okay with it. On reflection I think the simplicity works as a counterbalance to the rest of the story.  Overall good effort here.

Professional level writing here.  Really liked the back and forth between Brett and Emmanuel and the suspense building throughout the script.  But then....I got lost.  Is a line of salt significant?  Does evil recognize it as a barrier?  And who was this evil entity?  I thought it was rather comedic that he asked the two to kill themselves, thereby saving himself the chore.  Nice story, again only mentioning Halloween, not actually using it in the story, but guess that checks the box.  Nice job.

I read this twice because my first response was that while I think the writing and story-building were excellent up to the ending...I didn’t understand who the Stranger was and why they should save him the time and effort of punishing them for opening the door. Was this door opening on Halloween?

The second reading reinforced the excellent writing up to the ending, but I am still trying to make sense of stepping on the salt (something I should know about the occult?) and who the stranger is, etc.

Thanks for the ride! I must be missing something obvious.

Writer,

You had a decent premise here, and what’s behind the door. Rested tension all by itself. It’s the execution that needs to be worked on. Seems like you had the idea, just didn’t quite know how to finish it off. Lots of obvious info dumps early on, including the Halloween time frame, and the steroids stranger at the end started off good, but ultimately didn’t work. Mr. Brisby’s mystery shall remain a mystery, just like what’s behind the door! Good effort though!

Steve

This is a curious story that has an interesting premise, but creates a lot
of questions along the journey. The men are being paid not to open the
door, but they might be curious as to the old man's motives.
It doesn't take two people to guard (not open) a door, unless
they have to keep each other from committing the act.

Besides that — I like the idea of temptation. Greed is obviously a part
of this adventure. Maybe there is something that pushes them to take
action and open the door. Perhaps something like an ancient coin rolls
out from under the door, which fuels their desire to open the door.

I'm on the fence about the ending. What if the door slams shut as the
stranger is leaving. Now the Emanuel and Brett are in the dark, fighting
each other for their lives. I don't know. It feels like i need something
more. Solid effort regardless.