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A Matter of Time - OWC (currently 631 views) |
Don |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 10:41am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16458 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
A Matter of Time by A Figment Of My Imagination - A romantic engagement with a French twist is inside an unopened box. Short, Horror |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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D.A.Banaszak |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 1:40pm |
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New
LocationNortheast, kind of. Posts223 Posts Per Day 0.46 |
Wow. This was nuts. I have had a lot of bad luck on dates but nothing like this.
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Reply: 1 - 18 |
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Heretic |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 3:08pm |
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January Project Group
LocationVancouver, British Columbia, Canada Posts2023 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Hahah you got me. I was REALLY not expecting that ending and frankly, I kinda like it.
Some formatting oddnesses here, worth brushing up on that.
Since he barely gets anything, I’d look at whether you can give the waiter a bit more personality in his small role.
It’s a strange story, but I found it quite likeable in its way. Nice work. |
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Reply: 2 - 18 |
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AlexanderLR |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 4:30pm |
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Posts70 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
When Mary talks about 'having fun before being tied down', i wonder does this imply that she's been unfaithful? She could be having fun getting 'tied up'. Maybe you could lean into that a bit more? Maybe, and this is really out there, but maybe when the floor opens up they are sucked into hell.
MARY I can't marry you, Jack. My heart belongs to another. JACK Who?
And then a huge red fiery finger taps Jack on the shoulder...
Overall it was good, just needs that special something to elevate it. Well done. |
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Reply: 3 - 18 |
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LC |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 6:32pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7645 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Charles Aznavour would turn in his grave. Spelling. No need to use quotation marks around your dialogue. Anyway, she got her just desserts, but then sadly he did too. Nice message with Carpe Diem, and 'the grass is always greener'. Tweak to add a little more Halloween - even if they were dressed as ghouls, she as Cinderella maybe. Definitely packed a wallop at the end. I would have liked to see her go but him be saved - perhaps if half the restaurant went down - split that table down the middle. And even make her a bit nastier to warrant that action. |
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Reply: 4 - 18 |
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Maroun |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 10:31pm |
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January Project Group
LocationParis, France Posts17 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Interesting concept! Too bad it's only 2 pages... There's a lot of things you could add up to that topic that would make an interesting conversation, stretching at least 2 or 3 more pages: having fun in one's life vs "building" a family, living in the moment, the meaning of life, etc. ... Some minor details:
- "Figment" is not a French word; maybe you could use a real French word for the name of the restaurant, like "L'Escargot" or "Le Marabout", or something like that...
- Your frog recipe still needs coriander to be perfect...
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Maroun - October 22nd, 2023, 12:55am | | |
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Reply: 5 - 18 |
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irish eyes |
Posted: October 22nd, 2023, 9:25am |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
You go back and forth spelling Restaurant/restaurent It is short and sweet, two pages but could have done with fleshing it out more. Maybe you wrote it on Friday night I wasn't expecting the ending, so that was cool. Everyone got sucked down except the Newscaster |
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Stoneyscripts |
Posted: October 22nd, 2023, 9:43am |
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New Pushing boundaries
LocationLondon. England Posts307 Posts Per Day 0.47 |
Lescargot I get. Monkey legs? Is that a joke? Sink hole or void? This entry seemed more to me like a wish list. Niot enough to give more feedback but at least I was intrigued if nothing else. |
| My Screenplays Two Moons The Deadly Fruit Of Original Sin The Blue Room No Time For Love The Source The Pearl Earring The Bigger The Storm Before She Died
And many many more...
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Abe from LA |
Posted: October 22nd, 2023, 2:07pm |
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Been Around
LocationDowney, California Posts556 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
This is a head scratcher for me. I don't see the Halloween theme and it's more a disaster story with Californians (at least two) getting their comeuppance. The ending needs somthing more, so I think. Maybe Mary is sliding into the cavity and hanging on by a table cloth. Then Jack has to decide to pull her up or let her go. Something to that effect. Not for me but an interesting idea that needs reworking. Good Luck. |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: October 22nd, 2023, 11:55pm |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1566 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Ahoy A Figment --Well, to be perfectly blunt... I actually kinda agree with Abe from LA, no Halloween theme. The ending was a hoot, but overall, this was just ho-hum for me. Sorry. I needed a bit more. Best of Irish luck! -A |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: October 23rd, 2023, 8:29am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4324 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Monkey bread served in a high end French restaurant, chefs around the world are appalled Erm, okay, well... no Halloween element that I spotted, but that was definitely an unexpected twist! |
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Reply: 10 - 18 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: October 23rd, 2023, 12:20pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1307 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
I guess they both got their just desserts, huh? Ah, but seriously, folks…
I’m not sure what this was — not a Halloween theme story, but it did have the surprise ending, so…. I guess it qualifies? The quotation marks in the dialogue were a bit unusual. Leave those out of your dialogue in a rewrite.
For two pages it’s a fun little story, but I’d really like to see more “oomph” to it, and by that I mean, more between the two characters, but I will say, you have mastered the art of getting in late and leaving early!
Best of luck with it. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Gum |
Posted: October 23rd, 2023, 2:41pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.41 |
To me this felt more like a public service announcement than a script: chose one or both…
“Someday” is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you.” – Timothy Ferriss “The time for action is now. It’s never too late to do something.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
No theme present except maybe I didn’t expect the restaurant to be swallowed into an endless void, but hey ho. Best of luck. |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: October 23rd, 2023, 4:21pm |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts796 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
This felt odd and abrupt. Maybe this tried to exemplify living life to the fullest, but I'm afraid it didn't achieve it. |
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kcranford |
Posted: October 23rd, 2023, 4:28pm |
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New Features: Christmas Joe
Posts372 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Lescargot I get. Monkey legs? |
It's "monkey bread" not "monkey legs", John, LOL. Big difference, although I would be surprised to find monkey bread on the menu at a fancy french restaurant either. As to the script, as others noted, there is no theme of Halloween although it certainly has a "shock" of an ending. I wound up feeling very sorry for the poor guy, he seemed very sincere in his love for his girlfriend, however it only took me two pages to develop a strong dislike for her flippant attitude toward him. Glad the earthquake sucked her under, too bad he wasn't saved. Good job on getting a storyline down in only two pages - not easy to do. Best of luck (and hope you aren't writing from California!). |
| Scripts Available: Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama) Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama) Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance) Let That Pony Run (Family Drama) With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance) Essex (Historical Drama)
Shorts: Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice) Death (OWC) Savior (OWC) |
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Reply: 14 - 18 |
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ColinS |
Posted: October 25th, 2023, 10:14am |
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January Project Group Keep Believing!
LocationUK Posts244 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Hey Writer, It's a peculiar tale, could say, very abrupt. But here's the thing - I would laugh my ass off if I watched this play out on screen -- "But I have plenty of time before I...?" Nope, the whole of California has just been destroyed! Note - Francois checking his watch shouldn't have any bearing on how long the food takes to cook. This is mostly well-written btw, what can I say - really funny ending, liked this! |
| "Some Day I'll Be Saturday Night..." |
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Reply: 15 - 18 |
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big lew |
Posted: October 25th, 2023, 3:14pm |
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New Rewriting Sucks!
LocationWater Mill, New York Posts94 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Surprise ending? Yes! Halloween related? No. I did expect the story to go on before the quick ending because I thought there wasn’t a ring in the box, and what could it be and how would it be the demise of either of them? Thanks for the fun read! |
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bert |
Posted: October 27th, 2023, 9:33am |
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AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4233 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Little to say about this one.
There is no Halloween. But there is a twist. A big, absurd, so-what-do-you-think-of-that kind of twist.
Kind of found it funny and pissed me off at the same time, so points for that.
Curious to go read the comments on this one. |
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SAC |
Posted: October 27th, 2023, 10:39am |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
Nice try, but didn’t work for me. A lot of these scripts didn’t have Halloween, so I can’t really fault you on that, but this one didn’t even try. You don’t need quotations on your dialogue. Though you did use a very hellish way to get your point across, it was kind of lost on me and the story really. This could have used much more. Some tension, for starters. It good job getting one in!
Steve |
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