OK, so it’s a sick twisted love triangle this GQ type blood sucking monster is involved in, using the blood sucking monster kid as a way into foster families to satiate their hunger.

James seduces both parents into a secret affair, then kills them, all the while the kid is there to anchor a way into the home, then he (Ethan) once again puts on the puppy dog eyes for Child Family Services and is transported to another foster home, where the whole twisted game begins again.

How long have they been doing this? How long till someone somewhere figures it out? But then again, it’s easy to get rid of those who ask too many questions, just rip their head off and feast on the goo of their shattered psyche, and neck juice. Definitely a twist(ed) game going on. Works well for the OWC theme, but…

Again, no Halloween. Bobby could have simply said “how would you like pumpkin pancakes and vanilla ice-cream for breakfast, considering today’s Halloween? Just spit balling. Best of luck.

Writer,

Well, that was one of the stranger ones I’ve read so far. For characters so sinister, I would think you’d come up with names for them that weren’t so pedestrian, not to mention the “chocolate stabber” line, which is so Andrew Dice Clay-like, read: so 80s. But hey, if you’re writing a revenge tale through the eyes of a child (Ethan’s), I suppose it works. I could be wrong, but I feel you’re a new-ish writer. Good luck, though. Decent effort and keep reading!

Steve

Honestly a pretty good premise and I liked where Page 2 was going. Page 3 though goes right over my head.

I think the idea is solid, just need to go back to the drawing board.

P.S. I had no idea this line even existed:
Bobby’s throat is SLICED OPEN. BLOOD soaks his lifeless
torso.

It appears right down the bottom of p4 after Fade Out.
Maybe an afterthought or something you forgot was all the way down there. If you Fade Out we can't see that image.

A minor point that nevertheless bugged the heck out of me – the dialogue for James should be attributed to Alan. That whole naming thing was super-confusing, which is never welcome in a script.

It also felt rushed -- with the entirety of the action spilling out from our lone scene heading of Ethan's Room atop page 1, down to the weird footnote on page 5.

This wasn't bad, really, but definitely needs some TLC to be ready for prime time.

I struggled with this.

At first read I thought there were some shocking (and enjoyable) revelations from the mouth of an 11-year-old! But, I was confused. Who, what, is Allen? Was he imaginary? Real? One person or three?

I’m just not certain about what happened in this story. My bad.

I must say, however, that it has generated a great deal of discussion, and others have very strong positive insights that I am still pondering.

So congratulations on writing a story that has some strong fans!