Pages: 1, 2 : All |
Author |
Daughter - OWC (currently 642 views) |
Don |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 10:44am |
|
|
AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16458 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Daughter by Holly Waits - A young woman's grief at her father's death leads to a terrifying ordeal. Short, Horror |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
|
|
|
|
|
Heretic |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 1:45pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationVancouver, British Columbia, Canada Posts2023 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
The shortest by far!
Simple and straightforward. A lot left here for the director to do, and I think if you were expanding on this it would be hitting the thematic elements harder — I dunno if the unpaid bills are necessarily enough to build the character stuff.
I enjoyed this one. Nice and lean. |
|
|
|
Reply: 1 - 17 |
|
|
Stoneyscripts |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 1:55pm |
|
|
New Pushing boundaries
LocationLondon. England Posts307 Posts Per Day 0.47 |
I like this a lot. Totally get what you were putting across and the mounting bills gives us a clue to the state of play due to Jack's status.
Not a lot else to add, but good work. |
| My Screenplays Two Moons The Deadly Fruit Of Original Sin The Blue Room No Time For Love The Source The Pearl Earring The Bigger The Storm Before She Died
And many many more...
|
|
|
|
Reply: 2 - 17 |
|
|
irish eyes |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 2:26pm |
|
|
January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Short and sweet. Excellent portrayal of emotions from Cassie. If there's any positivity out of this for her... she doesn't have to pay the bills Well done |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 3 - 17 |
|
|
LC |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 7:12pm |
|
|
Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7645 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Whew, brutal! Would make a great Horror short and I'm sure you'll get requests for it.
Really grim. You could even expand on this, or it's effective as is.
Edit: Not really anything of Halloween here. |
| |
|
Revision History (1 edits) |
LC - October 21st, 2023, 7:24pm | | |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 4 - 17 |
|
|
Maroun |
Posted: October 22nd, 2023, 3:25am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationParis, France Posts17 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Wow! That's a real sad and dark story! My favorite so far.
Be careful what you wish for, right? It's touching when a parent gives his life to save his child, but the opposite is just tragic. Excellent script IMO |
|
|
|
Reply: 5 - 17 |
|
|
Abe from LA |
Posted: October 22nd, 2023, 2:48pm |
|
|
Been Around
LocationDowney, California Posts556 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
A pretty good horror nugget. I don't get the Halloween aspect, but it's a solid fright story on its own, ready for filming. One thought crossed my mind as Cassie is in her bedroom. If I were her, I would have closed the door to her late father's room. Seriously. I'm that way. I might even lock the door, if that's possible.
Once Jack is back and approaching, I don't see Cassie. I'm not getting a sense of where she is in the bedroom, nor her terror and confusion before he attacks. Jack just grabs her by the ears and sucks away. Anyway, good stuff and should draw flies. |
|
|
|
Reply: 6 - 17 |
|
|
D.A.Banaszak |
Posted: October 22nd, 2023, 7:50pm |
|
|
New
LocationNortheast, kind of. Posts223 Posts Per Day 0.46 |
This can best be described as, "Hits the ball, runs to first. Base hit."
No nonsense. The story was set quickly and efficiently. The suspense built and the ending slammed me like a rock.
Well done. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 7 - 17 |
|
|
RolandJ |
Posted: October 23rd, 2023, 4:26am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationLos Angeles Posts105 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Some people have a hard time letting go of loved ones, especially parents. And even work with the funeral director’s makeup stylist up to the day of the funeral. I’ve heard them say how much they wish they could join them in the hereafter. Is that the reason she kept his door open at the end? |
|
|
|
Reply: 8 - 17 |
|
|
AnthonyCawood |
Posted: October 23rd, 2023, 9:20am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4324 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Apart from the lack of any connection to Halloween I really liked this.
Writing is minimal and effective, would like to see this filmed one day. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 9 - 17 |
|
|
ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: October 23rd, 2023, 4:08pm |
|
|
Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1566 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Ahoy Holly Waits - some thoughts from the Twilight Zone. You cut it short and succinct for more punch. And this landed for me. Nice, should be easy to film. That aside, sadly, no Halloween. But yea, I still liked it. Good job. Best of Irish luck! -A |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 10 - 17 |
|
|
Gum |
Posted: October 23rd, 2023, 6:39pm |
|
|
Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.41 |
Quick and swift and definitely ended with a twist. Unfortunately, there’s no Halloween theme. Cassie could have simply said:
“Please. I don't want to stay here with the body. Not on Halloween night! Please!”
Or… y’know. Other than that, a well-knit little tale of woe. Best of luck. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 11 - 17 |
|
|
kcranford |
Posted: October 24th, 2023, 10:31am |
|
|
New Features: Christmas Joe
Posts372 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Yikes! For only 2 pages - that packs a wallop! The creepiness factor is in overdrive here and I actually really liked it - one of my favs, actually. The only thing that might be added is the next to the last line Jack just states "Anything". The meaning became clear when I went back and read where the daughter states she'd give "anything" if he could stay, but the two references were far apart in the script, so I was a little confused at first. Maybe tie the two in a little closer? Just a small nit. Very, very nice - the only missing element was Halloween, but I still like this one a lot. Good job, writer. |
| Scripts Available: Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama) Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama) Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance) Let That Pony Run (Family Drama) With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance) Essex (Historical Drama)
Shorts: Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice) Death (OWC) Savior (OWC) |
|
|
|
Reply: 12 - 17 |
|
|
Gary in Houston |
Posted: October 24th, 2023, 10:44am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1307 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Nice quick story that packed a lot in those two pages. I agree with others that the matter of her bills and financial situation doesn't really play a role in the story, other to show what a shit show her life has become. Definitely one of the more shocking endings in all the scripts I read. No Halloween, but anyone looking to film this won't care. Easily filmed on a tiny budget.
Good job here, writer. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
|
|
|
|
Reply: 13 - 17 |
|
|
SAC |
Posted: October 24th, 2023, 11:38am |
|
|
Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
I do like this one. You have a really good sense of place, grief and tension with your writing. Well done. Not being able to get the body out of the house was especially creepy, though I’m not quite sure why it ended the way it did. A bit more clarification could have explained some of that, and I wish you did, as this one, imo, deserves to be fleshed out a little. Good job!
Steve |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 14 - 17 |
|
|
Yuvraj |
Posted: October 24th, 2023, 9:04pm |
|
|
Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts796 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
Short and straightforward. Liked it, even though I could guess the ending.
Good luck. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 15 - 17 |
|
|
bert |
Posted: October 26th, 2023, 3:22pm |
|
|
AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4233 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Effective two-pager. Jack seems like a bit of a dick, tbh.
This could maybe work better without the phone call in the kitchen. I mean, what is all that stuff about her debt really adding to this story?
I can see why you might think you need it, but for a short piece like this, I am just not sure that you do. |
| Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb! |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 16 - 17 |
|
|
big lew |
Posted: October 30th, 2023, 12:05am |
|
|
New Rewriting Sucks!
LocationWater Mill, New York Posts94 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Very short in length, very long in impact!
Great, tight, and surprising storytelling. I only wish you had found a way to weave Halloween into the idea.
Congrats on Daughter. |
|
|
|
Reply: 17 - 17 |
|
Pages: 1, 2 : All |