Unboxing by blank - Strange goings on during a Youtube Unboxing Video puts Maggie in danger.  Short, Horror

Ha, dig the buffering wheel to open.

On 4 -- and a couple of other times, I feel like the action description could place a bit more emphasis! Mostly talking about the moment where a child falls out of the box, haha. Kinda want the script to make a bigger deal out of this because it seems like a big deal.

Good enough payoff. The moment where they both bow their heads and close their eyes is nice and scary. I think the main issue here is that with the chaos of the first half, it doesn't feel like we get much of a setup for the payoff that's to come. It'd be nice to get some breadcrumbs so we feel like the ending doesn't come totally out of nowhere.

The two leads are funny in the right way and you did a good job of capturing the YouTube vibe, by the way. Nice work.

Ok, first script out of the box, pun badly intended.  Just not sure what to make of it.  It's like reading two different scripts, but I think the second storyline would have been better served if the first one had been used to someone provide a reference point to the second.  Otherwise, it feels like three pages that aren't really relevant to the end result.  

I hope I'm in the minority on this but I think you should either re-do the first few pages to somehow tie them in to the back end.  The surprise, which is good in and of itself, is kind of out of left field because we've only been introduced to the brother at the end and he had nothing to do with the first part of the story.  Maybe at least put him in there somewhere -- a cute, innocent, kid being taken advantage of by the older girls, and then maybe this would have more of an impact.  Best of luck with it.

Definitely hits its stride for Horror in the second half. First part was a bit discombobulating for me.

Great premise.
Edit: By great premise I mean the 'unboxing online' idea is terrific. I'd personally write it straight, less wacky, as they unbox something sinister. FYI: Joe Hill (Stephen King's son) wrote a novel about a guy who purchases a ghost on eBay. Mixing the spooky and surreal with tech is a good mix.

I had to go back and reread this one, which isn't a great sign.

Maybe it's just me but I was pretty lost as to what I was reading until Fade out and then another storyline materialized.

The writing was clean but sorry it didn't work for me.

Good job on entering  

Writer,

Ok, read it. An easy read, but your opening few pages didn't leave me captivated by the people or by what they're doing. The second part played a bit better but not by much.

It seems like you stopped mid point and decided to tell another tale. There's a missing link somewhere.

Having said all that,  it's not unpleasant, it's just not firing on all cylinders (again, my opinion). But who knows, I could give it a second go and be hooked.

All the best,

Ghost

I too had trouble connecting the two halves. It read well but I was thrown off by the FADE OUT between halves. It might have been better to go with VIDEO ENDS to let me know that I was watching a video that just ended. Otherwise I felt like I had just read two independent stories and it took me a moment to realize that it was somehow a continuation of the same story.

I had a bit of trouble understanding the ending. It took me a few passes to catch on what Sam was thirsty for. Could be that I was just tired.

The characters were believable as influencers. It definitely fits as a horror story.

I'm afraid this one left me confused.

There were some interesting ideas, like the unboxing element, but they felt disconnected to me and I struggled to engage.

Well done for getting one in.

Ok, yeah. Needed a double read to unwind this thing, but that’s OK, the ending was a good twist in itself. I’ve never witnessed an unboxing video on YouTube, so I wasn’t sure what was transpiring. I guess influencers open packages their viewers have sent them, and it pretty much goes from there? All good.

Anyway, Maggie and Gemma decide to kick it up a notch for clout and do a mock demonic scenario using Maggie’s brother Sam as the sacrificial lamb, probably freaking out the viewers in the process, until the reveal that it was all a gag. But now Maggie and Sam decide to turn it on Gemma and use her as the sacrificial lamb in what can only be construed as a ‘real’ vampire feast scenario… or is it?

Fun mystery that keeps us guessing. Best of luck.

Writer,

One of the things we strive for in screenwriting is clarity. Afraid there’s not much here. The initial unboxing I couldn’t figure out what it was they were supposed to be unboxing, so that left me confused. Then later, Sam comes out of nowhere and they’re vampires someone gets cut and bleeding and… Basically, I felt very lost here as to what was happening. I think you have a very good premise though, for sure, but the execution was something else entirely. Good effort!

Steve

Once again I was a bit confused by the flow of this.  I'm guessing the first video in which Gemma is the vampire was a gag and then in the second video, supposedly a makeup tutorial, Maggie and Sam turn out to be real vampires?  That was what I finally decided.  I guess I'm out of the loop anyway because I didn't understand the term "unboxing".  Is that a thing?  Like YouTube videos?  Guess I need to get out more.  Anyway, the writing wasn't lacking, but as Steve mentions above, more clarity would have been helpful in following the plot.  JMHO as always.  Thanks for joining in the fun of the Halloween OWC!

A lot goes on at the beginning to properly register everything. It felt part comedy and part horror to me. I know you were going for a 'turn tables' type scenario that I liked. However, the flow of the story doesn't help in enjoying the twist at the end.  

Good luck.

This felt to me like it was two entries in one bag. The first I thought was a bit silly. The 2nd was better.

Issues I had with this was that there was no (cont'd) with who was speaking, so I had to keep checking who was saying what to who.

Unboxing is a term I'm not familiar with so had to check that out.

Overall for me this just doesn't work but good luck with your entry.

I am honestly not sure what happened in this one.  Very confusing to me, particularly with the addition of Sam just kind of out of nowhere.

Then makeup?

Fun attitude with breezy dialogue, but the story is not for me.

Conceptually, this is cool. Unboxing videos are big deals to some YouTube
viewers. I don't care for them, but it definitely has an audience.
Connecting the scenes here is a challenge. I like the vampire angle, but it needs
reworking. I would make more out of the gagged kid that falls out of the box.
Clarity is what's needed. Some potential and the idea is good, but work on the
execution. Keep writing.

Thanks to all who gave me feedback. Yeah maybe I should have stuck with one video so as to make it easier to follow. Think it just needed a bit more time and a bigger setup for the payoff. Really enjoyed writing it all the same.