I'm torn on this one -- as the writing is good, and the setting unique -- but the story kind of collapses if you give it a moment's thought.

I mean, why is Mchawi after everybody, and if Jeremiah knows about it, what the heck is he grinning about all the time?

It is just kind of weird, with characters not acting rationally and mysterious missing motives that render the narrative pointless by the time we're done.

So I don't like it for that -- but it's also really good!

Very good. A problem I had was with Brad last being seen going down into the ship's hold, and then being pulled out of the sea, dead. Is it likely no one would have seen him coming back up and jumping overboard? Aside from that, I thought it was a pretty tight script.

Sorry but I’ve read this twice now and it does nothing for me. Great concept and ambitious using a slave ship but the horror aspect was very awkwardly done.

Main gripe is the dialogue. Parts of it felt right for the period but others bits didn’t, leading to it sounding almost comical at times. I dunno, it just didn’t gel for me and I skimmed a bit

Hello writer

Nice choice of vehicle - prominent - bonus points for you.

Writing seems pretty good - an easy read and good visuals. more bonus points for you

Quoted Text CHRISTIAN (shouts against howl of the wind) Make sure it�s tied tight. Christian looks to his right and finds Jeremiah standing next to him, his grin giving him the appearance of Death. CHRISTIAN Where�d you get to? JEREMIAH Been right here all along, suh. Christian frowns and looks up into the rigging.

I found this confusing - why is he surprised he was standing next to him, he was just leading him somewhere.

OK - finished

Despite the good writing - I got a little jarred about where people were in relation to each other - not a problem on screen obviously.

I can imagine this to be quite scary on screen as well - so that's good. The misdirection of who was the witch was good.

Overall I enjoyed the read, i would enjoy watching it as well.

Few things:

Is this a slavers boat? Packing the bottom out with slaves would make it seem more authentic - Having only 3 feels too sparse. - wait - you said 6 slaves already died - still, 9 feels too sparse. Although, you use the word boat, not ship - so it must be small? and you haven;t actually said where they are sailing from/to - so are these slaves they have bought for use, not trade?

Why would the witch wait until this moment to kill? she could do this while still in Africa and never be taken into slavery.
Also, she just killed everyone, how is she planning to get the boat to shore?
These are probably not needed and I should just enjoy the horror for what it is.

This one goes towards the top for sure.

Matt

THE LIBERTINE

Nice, fairly subtle exposition dump at the start. It's digestable... just. Some clear misdirection. Is it Jeremiah or is it Mchawi? Well, the clue is in the name. A quick Google search reveals that Mchawi is Swahili for wizard, witch or magician... kerching.

So... skip to the end... Yes, it's Mchawi.

A good story, well written.

Solid entry. Clearly, the writer has more than a bit of experience. Well written, engaging, and atmospheric across the board.

Nice one on the title in particular. The word has such interesting implications, even as a simple name for a ship taken separate from the context of the story. Within the context, especially as a vessel for transporting slaves, it's even more loaded. Kinda nasty, really. I dig it.

Unfortunately, I do think this one falls flat in the end, which is a shame given it's a speedy read that held my attention 'til the end. The deaths of the characters are mundane, certainly not needing of a witch to carry them out, and don't live up to the portent that's been nicely set out, especially considering the pseudonym Poe Lovecraft (I did expect a grand-scale Lovecraftian climax of sorts).

The central dynamic of the plot is: "Is it Jeremiah, or is it Mchawi?" It's an effective dynamic, both in concept and as written, but doesn't amount to much in the end. Jeremiah struck me as a little too servile and one note, even for a slave character (I'm sure others have mentioned the ubiquity of the line "suh"), but I generally disregarded it as I assumed he was the bad guy and behaving as he was intentionally to deceive the other characters. Obviously, he's a red herring in the end and thus is too servile and one note. The fallout is Mchawi's reveal leaves one with an "of course" feeling, although her being a witch is inconsequential. Does she even do anything explicitly supernatural?

All in all, I'd boil the main problem of this one to everything serves the experience of reading the script but not the story in the long run. Of course, the former isn't an issue in and of itself, but both need to be served in order to stick the landing. Otherwise, everything feels too convenient. Mchawi has "eyes wide with terror" when it's convenient. Jeremiah "kneels in a corner, his hands to his mouth, attempting to stifle panicked sobs" when it's convenient. Again, of course you want to have an impact on the audience, but there needs to be an internal logic as well.

And again, I would've expected something more from the ending. You had a few pages. Could've kept it concise. I would've expected something to happen to the ship, namely the crew acting as a human sacrifice or something to forces below. Really, "forces below" would've aided the story. If not in the service of them, Mchawi is left to die on an abandoned ship (I mean, right?).

Lots of focus on the negative here. Figure that's what writers want the most, eh? Honestly, there's much to like about this one. Most of my gripes are related to disappointment; I really wanted to like this one more than I did (and I did) and think it could've been better.

In the end, though, it's a solid effort. You had a week. I didn't enter, so fuck me, right? I think a "good job" is in order.

Quoted from James McClung Nice one on the title in particular. The word has such interesting implications, even as a simple name for a ship taken separate from the context of the story. Within the context, especially as a vessel for transporting slaves, it's even more loaded. Kinda nasty, really. I dig it.

Agree 100%.

Sadly, I think this is going to be my last review. No fault to the writer. This seems like reasonably good quality work. I just can't seem to read most scripts anymore. The format of screenplay writing results in a very unpleasing reading experience, even when the writer is gifted. I found myself rereading and rereading and drifting and drifting. But I think 98% of the problem is on my end.

I've read a handful of OWC entries this round. All were competent. Only one was easy to read. But it was not because the writing was that much better...it's the nature of screenwriting when combined with certain factors. In the one that was easy there was only one character. In this one there were multiple characters to track.

It doesn't feel like horror. If we didn't know this was the genre for this story because of the assignment, we would not suspect it til the very end. Yes, they think there is a witch on board, but there's no reason for us to think this is anything but superstition. Nine people perish before we join the story. I assumed it was disease. There is no atmosphere of horror. In fact, the authenticity of the writing almost works against this by making us feel we're on a slave ship that has been struck by plague or something, and the superstitious crew seeks to blame the cargo.

I probably missed some big things too because I'm a lousy screenplay reader. So the writer can probably discard my comments.

I used to take pride in being able to give helpful notes. Not sure I can anymore.

I guess I would suggest this.
1) begin with an opening which establishes horror. I realize the writer wants a bit of a misdirect. He/she doesn't want us thinking there really is a witch. So that makes it a challenge. But there needs to be something that SHOWS why they are afraid on this boat. Maybe they find one of the crew gruesomely murdered. Maybe they find some supernatural sign. Establish the genre, the danger and the tone. Maybe a hint of violence.
2) create some tension that holds our attention and then keep it tense. So for example, if the story begins with the crew finding a body, maybe there's a search going on.
3) maybe some other device can be used to get Jeremiah helping. Maybe they lose the captain and he's the only one who can navigate these waters. I can't really picture what's going on. A slave ship would be packed. If they let one go to help out there would be tremendous risk he would release the others. But maybe if he had some special knowledge besides his linguistic skill.

Again, I'm sure I screwed this up. Sorry. A talented writer for sure that attempted an ambitious concept.

IN: Interesting start….

Another interesting trend (I think the third or fourth entry) in that thunder is written before lightning. Just an observation....

(grunts acquiescence) How would that sound?

A musket from his waistband? A musket is a rifle; I'm sure you meant pistol.

"a silent denial of the undeniable." I know what you meant but it derailed me from the moment. How about "...shakes his head in denial."

Great setting and story. Your slugs for the Libertine could be more descriptive in nautical terms. EXT. LIBERTINE - DAY could mean many different locations.

Nice work; I liked it. Revisit it and it could be much better.

This must have been a winning attempt at getting this:  

And I did:  

Let's look at the following:

Christian
Hugh
Brad
Jeremiah
Mchawi
Askari

Someone's outta place. Who could it be? Must be Brad!!! A Brad in the 1700's. That be some kinda wonderful.  

Let's return to my original notes, before I realized someone might have been sipping too hard on something when writing this.
This begins with In minus the Fade. Why not? Fade is so blasé.

It’s hastily painted. How so? Why so?

Hugh and Christian’s dialogue in the beginning had me with a big question mark hovering over my head.

HUGH
We need help, Pa.

CHRISTIAN
They cost too much to waste them. The good Lord will see us through.

It was only after I realized he was talking about the slaves.

When Christian says

>Leave the female be.

It sounds off, but it’s worse later when I find out that there are more than two females introduced:

Mchawi (19) and Askari (31)

*Afterwards, I learned Askari was a guy. It was the leather skirt that threw me.

Speaking of introductions: There are a lot of them crammed together before we understand much.
The following dialogue had me laughing. If it’s not your intent, maybe ask: With all the turmoil about, people dying an all: Would Hugh really say, “Your English is good.”?

HUGH
Your English is good.

JEREMIAH
I been taken before.
They... let me go. A free man, suh.

Out of the blue Jeremiah tattles on “the girl” (I don’t know which one) But apparently she’s a witch.
And Hugh says,

HUGH
Yeah, well we don’t believe in no witches. Not on this trip.

But that contradicts his belief in bad luck on pg 1

HUGH
Those slaves have been nothing but bad luck since we got ’em.

Boy ain't that the truth! or Should I say, Suh, ain't that the truth!

Well, I've got Jeremiah's grin permanently fixed on my face for the next bit so that
can't be a bad thing.

Pah, Pah... We need help, Pah!  

I'm struggling to identify why I found this boring.

The writing is pretty good. Maybe it's the pace. Things should be happening quickly, but the overly wordy descriptions keep slowing things down. Word choice is another culprit, I think. What should have been tense just seemed to drag.

The first half page is really good. I was hooked. Then it goes into exposition, and we realize we're coming in on the end of a story. I'm less invested now. Jeremiah has "a smile permanently scarred on his face." Is that why it seems he's grinning throughout this? What does that even look like? Is he the Joker? You give great descriptions elsewhere but this is a crucial detail and I can't picture it, or why anyone else would think he's really grinning like he's guilty if it's just scarring.

The logic is a problem. Nine sailors lost, The Libertine is in a storm, and it seems nobody is really doing anything, the ship is sailing itself. Even the wheel is practically abandoned partway through, there's no struggle to fight the sea or anything. Do they really need help?

I doubt anyone who's buying slaves wouldn't know about English speaking slaves being more expensive.

Why did Brad go below again? Did he try to rape the girl? Is that why she's suddenly naked and afraid? How did Brad end up in the water? And ahead of the boat? They didn't have to turn or anything, just hook him up.

The strengths here are in some of the dialogue, in the setting, in the tone, and you do a great job making us wonder who is really behind it all. I was kind of disappointed that the answer was directly stated at the start, but the misdirect was decent, at least in writing. On screen, I'm not sure it would work.

It feels like a good writer didn't have enough time with this one. Good effort, it definitely has potential.

I think Bert wrote this one. It screams BERT! If I'm wrong, well then he can take that as a compliment since I really liked it. It was my second favorite.  

Nice work, Bert. This was my number 1.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I think Bert wrote this one. It screams BERT! If I'm wrong, well then he can take that as a compliment since I really liked it. It was my second favorite.

Quoted from dustinbowcot Nice work, Bert. This was my number 1.

I can only hope the true author realizes what a supreme compliment is in the offing here haha.

But alas, I did not play this time -- and when I do, I never "review" my own scripts because I can never find flaws with my own work! (Admit them, yes, but never find them...)

Oddly, given the slave angle, I pegged this as Dustin's.

A Bert imposter. That deserves a story of its own. Maybe not in a moving vehicle, but probably horror.