I Dream Of The Devil by D - Short, Horror - On a rainy night, two men meet to discuss a peculiar, recurring dream. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The V.O. over black beginning is a temptation most writers (myself included) cannot seem to resist. But ask yourself, what would you as a viewer think watching a black screen as some mystery person waffles on? Just food for thought there.

At the beginning you introduce, what 5 characters and it feels repetitive. Just introduce the ones that are going to talk to each other for now and the others if they come into the story.

Page 2 and I’m guessing D is the devil and Jimmy is in hell reliving the accident.

Got to the end and yeah, he’s in hell stuck in a constant loop.

Not bad, no surprises and it got weird in the car, but I think you ticked all the boxes of the OWC. Not my cup of tea but that’s just personal preference. Nice effort.

-Mark

I see hints of my own OWC entry with this one.  A man lost in purgatory, re living the nightmare over and over.  Good visuals at the diner with the old man and the cook.  Very depressing.  But I feel you could've taken it a step or two further.  Really amped up the concept of the world's most depressing roadside diner.  

I felt this could've used an extra few pages.  There are no real twists or surprises.  As soon as you see the name "D" you know it's the Devil tormenting this man.  

This would've worked better if, in the diner with D, our protagonist doesn't specifically mention the hit and run.  Too many details here.  He should only hint at what's happened in the past and the growing sense of remorse that he feels.  

That way, when he does have the encounter with the little girl in the road, along with the body bag in the backseat, and D next to him, we can start piecing it all together ourselves.  Really feel that separation between the mother and daughter.  It would be a much more involving story that makes us think.  

It would also be a better pay off in the end when he see he must re live this painful experience, over and over.   As it stands now, we already know what's gonna happen when he gets in the Mustang.  No surprises or suspense there.    

But a great idea that could be developed further.  

I needed a break and picked this since it was only five pages. It seemed like ten. Very transparent and it contained no great revelations. Maybe call it 'Dee's Diner' as Dante just gives it away.

It was well constructed and with a complete story. I just wanted a surprise.

Cracked this open. I like anything Devilish.

The opening VO doesn't feel organic, instead I feel like it's just there to set up the story. Put this on a TV in the diner instead of over black.

"D" as a name, so weird and such a giveaway.

Dante's Diner. Everything is so on the nose so far.

Page 3 and we only just got the car.

Not feeling any suspense. Not sure what's going on, the action is a little clunky.

Formatting was fine. No complaints there.

Not much of a story, really but if you fleshed it out you may have something.

Well written, but the story doesn't pull me in. Maybe because Jimmy basically tells us what's going to happen, then it does.

The story relies on the twist at the end -- the loop -- but, you could feel it coming, so, it lacked the punch you'd expect.

Again, well written, but the story lets this one down.

First one I've read, though, that I'd consider horror. (I've read 6 so far.) So, kudos for that!

Hi writer,

It was... okay. Ticked all the boxes in terms of the challenge and the writing was good. The story was just okay though. Nothing really new, nothing that really stood out.

I do think you give us a bit too much to piece the story together along the way, so the ending is less of a twist and more of a plot point we are waiting for. Maybe that was your intent?

All the best.

Good title, and a shorter script is a good way to get random OWC reads.  Some of the action in the car was hard to follow, but well-written on the whole.

I would remove "alleged" from the opening VO. A kind of stupid fine point, but I mean, it was or it wasn't. For your slugs, I would just go with DINER and save the Dante reveal until we actually see the sign at the end.  You're giving a lot away with your current choice. Also with the slugs, not sure you are using CONTINUOUS correctly. I would get rid of those near the end as I don't really see where they are adding anything.

This was fine handling of a familiar trope, and just as long as it needed to be.  A good OWC effort.

Thought this was well written but some of the 'revelations' were telegraphed from the start.

Wasn't convinced there was a lot of suspense in it but ces't la vie.

A decent effort that I think could be punched up with a re-write and a consideration of some of the suggestions above.

Well written for the most part. I didn't really care for the character named D. I would have given him a real name. But that's in a real minor issue. I believe the parameters we're hit. Good job on entering.

Yeah I can’t add much to the other reviews. It was competently written so the writer knew what he was trying to get out of the story. The description of the decrepit cafe and its lost inhabitants was good.

Fair effort but just needed something in it to make it sing

Jimmy deserves his fate -- to re-live the accident for all eternity, but the Woman and Girl don't. And Jimmy can't be punished unless the other two are there to re-live their suffering as well. While I'm sure the Devil is okay with this, I can't see how God (you can't have one without the other) would permit it. But what do I know what those two dudes are okay with.

The fact that I had more sympathy for the devil than Jimmy is neither here nor there.  As I read I kept thinking, "I've watched all these scenes before. I've met all these characters, before. In many movies."  The actual writing is good but it seems like you're recreating movies you've liked rather than digging a little deeper to find the movie only you can write.  If that makes sense.  But it's not that big a deal. It's the OWC.

Not a fan of how you started with that (V.O.). Obviously this is a technique that lots of people have used effectively for a long time - but here, I think the story would still work without it.

One other thing -- Just because it's the next scene doesn't mean that it's continuous action.

Just my 2 cents.  Overall a very good entry nonetheless.

Hello writer

The writing was good, followed it easily and could see everything clearly.

The story was simple but good. The Devil making someone replay what they did over and over again.

It could do with not being so obvious from the beginning - Dante's Diner, a character called D. I think you could play around with it to make it less obvious, so the reveal hits us better.

I was a little confused about what he actually did - did he run over the mother or the child? I think it was the mother - but in the dream, the child is in the road - I think it would be more impactful if we saw the actual act of what got him here - him running over the mother. Just me.

I'm also assuming, that because he explains the dream to D, then lives it, over and over again, his memory is wiped or something? otherwise, every time he steps into the diner he would know that D is the guy from the dream? I dunno, maybe I'm missing something.

I had no feel for suspense though - you could play around with redemption - the Devil gives him a chance to replay the event, but change his fate - create a "will he/won't he run her over again" kind of suspense - but ultimately, the Devil is messing with him and he inevitably kills them, over and over again - I'm rambling

Well done on completing the challenge

Matt

I DREAM OF THE DEVIL

A good director could do a lot with this in terms of atmospherics. It's easy to film and is well-trodden 'safe' ground - which is its downfall in terms of this challenge. This script isn't written to impress any of us, and that's fine. It's never going to win this challenge and wasn't written to do so. It's written with production in mind.

Hopefully, it finds a good home.