I liked the imagery in this one especially at the end. The script could have been more informative about the girl and his connections to her. THE GIRL. We had enough about the guests. Thanks  - It was well written.

Gary

PS I learned a new word! "sussurus"

Grademan asked my question for me.  WTF is a sussurus?  That's a new one on me.  Overall, some good dialogue and not a bad twist at the end.

The typo thing has already been pointed out.  There was a block of text where Brad was talking to his Mom where it looked like some dialogue was accidentally mixed into the description.  Kinda took me out of the story.  I don't know how you missed that typo.

I wish Brad would have said a few more lines during his big speech so we could understand why he hates his family.  Just a little explanation would do.  As it is, he just says he hates it here and takes off.  And you never really dropped any hints at what might have been wrong with the family.

Some good dialogue, though, and a memorable ending.

Webster's Online:

susurrus
One entry found.

Main Entry:
    su·sur·rus Listen to the pronunciation of susurrus
Pronunciation:
    \su̇-ˈsər-əs, -ˈsə-rəs\
Function:
    noun
Etymology:
    Latin, hum, whisper — more at swarm
Date:
    1826

: a whispering or rustling sound

My turn!

Great dialogue...funny...made me laugh a number of times.  God don't we all have family members and friends like that.  They all had cute little names for Brad...so it's obvious they knew him for all of his life.

I think that the fact that the girl was set off stage was a good thing...that's what makes such a statement in the end...no one really knew Brad...of course he was evolving all the time.  We didn't get to know her because we weren't supposed to.  The writer went to great lengths to let us know about quite a number of people...but not her and I like it that way...not only is he not going to college...he's just ran off with a girl, in a car and no one seemed to know she existed.  Surprise!

His dad states it best...he changed his mind a million times growing up about what he wanted to be.

I'm so glad JohnnyBoy took care of all the type "o's"   There were a great many of those.  The use of to instead of too (meaning also) and also the word quick was spelled wrong both times.

Just remember that it's really important to be sure to use spell check...words are all we have to get our point across and when there are a lot of mistakes it does become distracting.  (except for misspelled words in our reviews! lol)

I think one way to change the ending so that it fits, is to have the dad when he comes back up the street say, "Well, I guess he changed his mind again."  It's obvious the kids been doing that most of his life

When I am writing a TV or Radio commercial, one of the things we always try to do is wrap up any characterization or story.  What ever it starts out with, must be finished on the wrap up...no matter what the donut part of the script is.

Very good job...just watch your spelling, as I do believe you do have a natural way of bringing people to life.

Morgan

Hey all,
A lot of you didnt like how little the girl was in the script, but I never really had any intention of explaining her at all as she wasnt really part of the story IMO.  MBC girl said it pretty well:

Quoted from MBCgirl My turn! I think that the fact that the girl was set off stage was a good thing...that's what makes such a statement in the end...no one really knew Brad...of course he was evolving all the time.  We didn't get to know her because we weren't supposed to.  The writer went to great lengths to let us know about quite a number of people...but not her and I like it that way...not only is he not going to college...he's just ran off with a girl, in a car and no one seemed to know she existed.  Surprise!

I also didn't want to make Brads speech very long, or really explain why he hated his town or why he was leaving...this is really supposed to be more about how familial love can be blinding--how unhappy Brad was, and how no one in his family had any sort of idea.

ANyway, thanks for all the feedback, and I'll probably be able to get to everyones scripts this week.

Sorry about the typos, I wrote this after dinner on friday night, so I was a bit crunched for time...not that that is much of an excuse.

--Tyler

I wanted to drop by to return the favor, but i see i've already commented on your script. So i decided to give it a third read and i have to say i liked it loads better than before.

I still agree with what i said before but now i can more emphasis on the well constructed parts of the story.

I stand strong when i said i enjoyed it. It's one of my favs.