Looks fine to me, Jeff.

I took off my producer's hat (and put away the checkbook) and just read it as a story for someone with deeper pockets than I to film.

Saw it all just fine.
Good story.
Looks like an opener to a feature. Queue the U.S. private eye w/ local law enforcement attache duo to begin investigating the death of the privileged Yankee.
Easy.

Don't sweat any nitpicks on dialog or action.
Director and actors are gonna ad lib a lot of those, within story parameters, on the set.
Same with actions.
And I think James getting away with a real machete is plenty fine.
The hacking off and into anyone is all going to depend upon the budget and practical + digital SFX  capabilities of the director/producer, so, as is, it's fine.
Basically these details of "this arm" and "that shoulder" are placeholders for where action of that nature should occur.
It's all good.

The only beef I do have is a personal preference one: I just like my "horror" films to be horror from page one, two on a pinch, especially for a short.

What I've learned from this OCT OWC are the three main types of stories:
#1. The punchline - 4/5 set up followed by 1/5 horror. By far the most common submission.
#2. The spike/punchline - Opening enthralling scene, followed by above punchline setup.
#3. The meat&taters - Horror from page one til finish. My preference.

This was a #1 "punchline" horror.
Pages one thru seven are all spooky drama setup followed by pages eight thru ten of the BOO! AGH! horror punchline.

Lotta those.

It's still a fine story, though.

Thanks, Ray.  I'm glad you gave it a look, as I was bummed when I first saw all your speadsheet stuff, mine was basically blank.

Appreciate the feedback, bro!

Hey Jeff - I've seen a couple of times you saying that people thought your script was 'a pisser', and you didn't seem to happy with it - and saying I thought it was a pisser was pretty much the only comment I made on it. No offence intended.

It wasn't my cup of tea - but then the one with the fire and the child you wrote some time back was. Just can't win then all. And anyway - you called mine 'god awful'. painful, man.

Quoted from Forgive Hey Jeff - I've seen a couple of times you saying that people thought your script was 'a pisser', and you didn't seem to happy with it - and saying I thought it was a pisser was pretty much the only comment I made on it. No offence intended. It wasn't my cup of tea - but then the one with the fire and the child you wrote some time back was. Just can't win then all. And anyway - you called mine 'god awful'. painful, man.

Hey Simon, thanks for jumping in.

No, I don't think anyone would be happy when someone thinks they've written a pisser, when in fact they didn't and damnit, I take pride in my pissers when I write one!!!  

We definitely cannot win them all.

Sorry I was not more positive on your script - which one was it?  I'll give it another look.

Take care.

We need to do an April fools day-week pisser OWC.

Quoted from RayW We need to do an April fools day-week pisser OWC.

I'm 100% behind that idea!!!

What about another holiday, like Christmas Evil.

What's "Christmas Evil?"

Quoted from RayW What's "Christmas Evil?"

I could think of something.

Uh... Christmas Eve as a horror.. just a joke for a possible OWC. I'm down for another challenge, for sure.

Quoted from Last Fountain just a joke for a possible OWC.

Ah... eve/evil. That would make a great title.

The word is pisstake. I should know as I introduced it to you Seppos, lol.

A pisser is a place where you have a piss - like, say, the middle of the Seahags ground, or Foxboro or anywhere in downtown Phoenix.

A piss-take, where I'm from, means something or someone that is taking the piss. To call this script a piss-take would mean that Dreamscale is offending us just by posting it. Or it could also be for comedy reasons. A piss-take is often used to refer to people mimicking others in a comical way.

A pisser can be someone that pisses, an actual toilet (usually located in a pub)... or a disappointing circumstance, which is what I think is being referred to here.

Hey Jeff,

as I said - I'd get to this.

While this was an interesting story, it didn't really feel that much like a horror.

Have to say that I liked the last half better than the first half. There was just something more to the story that pulled me when they got to the party.

I agree with Pia about the foreign remark - think it would fit better if stated Bulgarian in the NOTE. I also agree with others on James and his actions - with you describing him as a linebacker and then going into the strip club, but being a virgin in the end - didn't really work. If he was more of a rigid, geeky type and Rayna was taking him into the club, then that might have worked - he needed to act a little put off/fish out of water type thing. I think that would have also helped with his outfit choice with the machete for the party.

I liked Anastasiya and her eeriness - she was my fav character in this.

All in all - you know this was a solid entry, I liked the dialogue - didn't have a problem with it, and it was an easy read.

Renee

Thanks for reading, Renee.

I actually gave a bunch of details on some things you touched upon in an earlier post.

One thing I will reply to is your comment about James. A bunch of peeps said similar things, but the truth is that I described him as being "built like a linebacker", meaning, he's big and in good shape.  JUst because someone is a virgin in their early 20's doesn't mean they're a geek or nerd.  Nor does it mean they don't enjoy sex (other than intercourse) or looking at beautiful babes.  It simply means they're holding out for hopefully "the right one".

Thanks again!