The Man Who Wrote Love by Nick Le & Andrew Kirby - Sci Fi, Dystopian, Romance, Coming-of-age. - In 2050, they released CUPID, an artificial intelligence unit that was destined to fix up student drama in high schools in Regina, Saskatchewan, in the midst of lies and chaos, an aspiring student who's having a dream to become the world's greatest screenwriter and filmmaker, falls in love with his crush, and his teacher, who is sort of a father figure, is secretly hosting propaganda against CUPID, what would happen to them ? 99 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

Hey guys, this is Nick Le, speaking on behalf of myself and my co-writer Andrew Kirby, we hope that this screenplay will receive good feedbacks and comments from all y’all fine writers, and since this Andrew Kirby’s debut in screenwriting, so please be gentle on him, anyway, we hope to receive good comments and hope that this screenplay will be selected for competition, thank you.

Nick Le
Andrew Kirby

Will check out the first ten (at least) a bit later.
FYI: Your logline needs a revamp.

It’s a fast paced film, it wouldn't take long, my friend. Oh and the logline, not my best part, I’m still practicing that, and Libby my friend, I’ve followed your advice, a draft should be about 100 and 120 pages, and if this script is 10 pages, it wouldn't scratch the surface, so a hundred page is enough, that’s all, have a good read.

Nick Le

I think 10 pages is right to begin. If it’s interesting another 20 pages then if the dramatic tension increases, a full read could be undertaken.

Hi Nick and Andrew,

I'm sure 10 pages wouldn't scratch the surface.
Okay guys, I'm going to be completely candid with you here. A lot of work is needed to get this up to standard.

In 2050, they released CUPID, an artificial intelligence unit that was destined to fix up student drama in high schools in Regina, Saskatchewan, in the midst of lies and chaos, an aspiring student who's having a dream to become the world's greatest screenwriter and filmmaker, falls in love with his crush, and his teacher, who is sort of a father figure, is secretly hosting propaganda against CUPID, what would happen to them?

Your logline is too long and not succinct enough.

Okay, can you in plain words condense this logline for me? It needs streamlining.
Sort of a (doesn't belong in a logline) they doesn't belong either, and neither does the phrase: what would happen to them.

Take out these details on your title page:
STARTED WRITING: 1/20/2024
FINISHED WRITING ON:
1/29/2024. This screams amateur - just being honest.

On that thought though, you guys wrote this in less than a month? I'll be honest and say great work getting a first draft of this length done in such a short time, but it needs a lot of work.

This is fine:
EXT. REGINA - HIGH SCHOOL - ESTABLISHING SHOT
And very old-school, but it gives us nothing visual.

I think you'd be better off showing us by using a Super. Where are we? Is this Regina High School in Detroit, Michigan? Nope, I see it's Canada, but only cause your logline spells it out. This is why clarity is key.

Avoid (for the most part) using camera angles & tracking shots in your action lines. This is really up to a Director. If you really want to use them just use them minimally.

A deserted hallway, empty, there’s not a sight in the
area, CAMERA TRACKS AROUND the hallways, capturing
snippets of wall decorations, lockers, interiors of
classrooms…

You use deserted, empty and there's not a sight in the area. all which mean the same thing.
Suggest either: not a soul in sight, or deserted, then perhaps add some other atmospheric hum or ticking clock, or peal of a bell indicating school's in to contrast with that silence.

snippets of wall decorations,
Wall decorations is fine on its own. Be more specific though, add pep-rally notices, debate club meetings, drama club, band practice etc. Add colour.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM (give us a time of day/night)

ENTER CHARLIE DAY (45, young), he’s sitting alone in his
classroom of communication media, eating cookies, and
watching news coverage. With his feet on the desk, with
his back leaning against his chair, he seems unsettled
about something.

There's nothing inherently wrong with this but you could do more with your character intro.

No need for ENTER - it appears he was there the whole time. No need for 'young'.

We can't tell this is a communication media class just by you telling us. Show us by the equipment specific to this class, laid out in the room. A science room would be obvious by it's lab desks and Bunsen burners, you need to do the same here.

Suggest something like this to create the character's mood.
If he's upset he might not sit in a relaxed manner.
If he's just being reflective -

CHARLIE DAY, 45, feet on the desk, arms languidly crossed behind his head, gazes at a flatscreen TV
- the day's News playing on a loop. Charlie's attention however, is clearly elsewhere.
He frowns, reaches into an Oreo's cookie bag, munches loudly.

What you want to do here is create character from the outset. And the cookies inclusion is great.  Perhaps it's his last cookie, (maybe he's binge eating cookies cause he's upset) maybe he scrunches up the empty bag and throws it to one corner of the room. Maybe he uses it as target practice, throws it at the TV. (If he's upset at what's being said on TV especially). Use everything you can to fill out the character intro in an economical way but expressive way.

CHARLIE (V.O.)
It’s the year 2050, technology has
evolved to its finest standing ovation.
Aren’t we lucky ? Since 2045, high school
drama took over exactly forty-five percent
of the death rates, just because of
jealousy.

This voice over dialogue needs to be a lot better, both in the information it's trying to convey and the naturalness of delivery. Is the character talking about the high rate of suicide among students? It being the result of what? Jealousy? How and in what form?) We're not privy to enough info.

Reading on...

What/where is Munch Hall?
A school canteen perhaps?

Delete End snippets. below.

END SNIPPETS, Charlie walks through the astray of (I think you mean array?)
students, he stops at the vending machine, shoves a few
quarters in, he’s dead thirsty, he looks to his right, he
sees the CUPID TROOPERS, armed with STUN RIFLES, guarding
the doors, and entrances, and also observing the
students, ESPECIALLY THE COUPLES.
No need for CAPS at the end btw.

So clearly you have some cool futuristic ideas in your script, one being your Cupid Troopers. I liked that Big Brother image! But, you need to set up your big set pieces properly. You can't just throw things in there and assume your audience gets it. You are world building here and just by dropping CUPIDS in with no clear explanation - that's not enough.

Stun Rifles - great!
However, more description is needed as to what they look like, how big, what are they decked out in (armour?), are they automated? Do they move fluidly or awkwardly, built for speed/agility? How do they communicate?
You're using voice over for backstory which is fine however:

INSERT CUT: Students strike and attack the CUPID
troopers, they fight hard, SHOTS WERE FIRED

Insert Cut to what? Is this video footage?

Always use present tense: Shots were fired. Is this Voice Over again?
It has been ten years since (not after)

So if we flashback to 2039 and then go forward to 2050, where were we to begin with, with Charlie?

If we opened in 2050 it would just be BACK TO SCENE or BACK TO PRRSENT DAY.

Good morning, Balfour...
Is this the name of the school?

Oh, my this here is a beautiful astray
Astray? You've used this word in error twice just in your opening.

You need to watch details like this. Proof-read.

Here's what I suggest you do.
To establish the world I'd use titles to give context with what has occurred in this world you've created and blend film footage of the students rioting. Intermingle with voice over to set up your world, properly explain the rise of the CUPIDS, intro your main guy, the exact location and year, then take us into the present day (in the future).

And take it from there.

Not just that though... I also suggest you use in addition or instead of, a COLD OPEN or Prologue of some kind with your main teenage character's story highlighted to 'show' us some tragedy of why CUPIDS were invented in the first place.

Btw, have you worked out what CUPIDS stands for in your script? Is it an acronym? Or just as in the matchmaking form of Cupid.

Finally look at the structure of scripts like Children of Men, Handmaid's Tale, Hunger Games, Dune, Minority Report and even Star Wars; how they establish their worlds - there's a fair amount of exposition that needs to be subtly conveyed to the viewer, and some actually blatantly.

Anyway, I hope this feedback is useful to you both going forward.

Libby

Wow, those are very good comments there, Libby, well to be honest, we wrote this whole thing on google docs, and we do acknowledge that it was quite unclear, because we were so devoted to the idea of complex storytelling, but anyway, we see our mistakes, our goal in this screenplay is not to tell a story of artificial intelligence, we’re trying to tell a story about true love in teenage lives, we’re making a story about hope, about true romance, about loyalty and friendship, and the optimistic reality of teenagers and teachers, and we’re also trying to tell a dark story, I will use this term, in the deep darkness, there are dots of light that shines within them, this is what the screenplay’s about, hope and freedom and love, and that no one can take that away from us, it is the foundation of the human race, that’s what this screenplay’s about, and it might be confusing, and actually grammatically incorrect, but that’s the goal we’d tried to write in this screenplay.

But anyway, that was just to prove a point, we appreciate your comments, we’ll try to come up with something better, and we’ll make a comeback. Thank you, Libby.

Nick Le
Andrew Kirby

Hi Nick and Andrew and welcome to Simply Scripts!  You will gain a wealth of knowledge here, so buckle up for the ride!  Since I have a small obsession with Loglines, I've concocted one from what you have posted above.  As Libby (LC) advised your logline needs work.  I had to read it several times to get the gist of what you wanted to say, and I'm still not sure from the wording if it is the teacher or student who has plans to undermine "Cupid".  The point is to make your Logline tight - just a teaser for the script.  You don't have to include every plot twist and character.  It needs to be just enough to tantalize and pique the interest of the reader.  So here is what I came up with.  You are of course free to take it or leave it, and again, it's my best guest as to who is doing what.

In the year 2050, when an AI device, known as Cupid, designed to resolve student conflict, is threatened with annihilation by a high school teacher, intrigue and betrayal ensue as one of his students, an aspiring screenwriter, discovers the sinister plot.

Thank you, kcranford, you’re a life saver, and by the way, great logline.

Nick Le
Andrew Kirby