Pages: 1, 2 : All |
Author |
Let 'er Rip - WT (currently 2084 views) |
Don |
Posted: July 6th, 2020, 11:12pm |
|
|
AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16474 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Let 'er Rip by John Staats (JEStaats) writing as Weak Won - Short, Drama, Historical - An outlaw’s last words are more befitting than intended. pdf format Writing Challenge theme of "Money is the Root of All Evil" using: Historical, Gavel, Reporter, Park.
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
|
|
Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - July 23rd, 2020, 4:17pm | | |
|
|
|
|
mmmarnie |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 12:38am |
|
|
January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
I liked the idea but it felt a little forced and expositional...which is tough to avoid in a 5 page historical story you only have a few days to write and research. The ending is obviously the most important part and good visual with blood splattered on reporter's paper.
So just okay for me but this was a tough one.
Hey...What's up with that font? |
| boop |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 1 - 25 |
|
|
LC |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 12:51am |
|
|
Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7658 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Very well done. No complaints. Historically accurate (wounded arm I read,? but one-armed (bandit) adds to the visuals).
Nice the way you wrote the ending, not gratuitous. The speckled blood was a good filmic choice. Sometimes less is more. A nice blend of humour and good characterisation with Tom too. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 2 - 25 |
|
|
MarkRenshaw |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 7:27am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Nicely done. Very well written. I love how you include a smooth transition shot in the action (gavel to hammer) without mentioning the camera at all. That folks, is how a writer suggests a camera shot without specifying it at all!
A good story. Sounded authentic and I liked the ending. If I was being nitpicky, I'd argue this didn't show that money is the root of all evil clearly as Tom wasn't bothered by the hanging one bit, and he had the last laugh, so to speak. Maybe if he shows a touch of remorse, regret or fear towards the end it might help. Actually, I like Tom's bravado - so if you do, make sure it is a solo scene and then we know he's putting on an act in front of others.
Excellent job there, writer. You managed all that in about 4 days? Wow!
-Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
|
|
|
Reply: 3 - 25 |
|
|
khamanna |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 9:45am |
|
|
January Project Group
Posts4202 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Well, another story and characters I really liked.
And I looked up Tom Ketchum - yep, he existed and been hanged for the train robbery. Tough subject really and you managed it well. Gavel has got to go in the future rewrite of this, but that's okay. Tough tough criteria you chose. And it's very much on the topic too. I really like Tom. and the reporter writes well. You did very well, writer, wow. |
|
|
|
Reply: 4 - 25 |
|
|
Arundel |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 11:26am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationLas Vegas, Nevada Posts265 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
Good job at making use of the items needed. It could be tricky in a historical setting. According to other comments this is based on actual events and historically accurate so another plus there. Also the climactic ending description was quite colorful. |
|
|
|
Reply: 5 - 25 |
|
|
Spqr |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 12:40pm |
|
|
Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
This historical recreation was well written, and I got a real sense of Tom’s character. The only thing that needs clarification is what exactly they got from Chicago. The plans for the gallows or the gallows itself? Aside from that nitpick, this was a damn good script.
|
|
|
|
Reply: 6 - 25 |
|
|
ajr |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 4:25pm |
|
|
Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Hey writer,
Very good job. Very well written. Outside of chronicling the hanging of an actual historical figure, you added the elements of the reporter (I liked their banter), and the visual of the body standing without a head was pretty cool.
And I hate to be a broken record, but this is nowhere near being about money is the root of all evil, which is the only blemish.
AJR |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 7 - 25 |
|
|
AnthonyCawood |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 7:44pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4327 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Nicely written, engaging characters though the second use of the gavel felt shoe-horned in to me.
Dialogue felt right too, difficult in a historical or western setting so good job there.
The ending didn't work for me though unfortunately, didn't buy that you can be decapitated when hung... you probably can though... just didn't fit imho
Good script though |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 8 - 25 |
|
|
LC |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 7:52pm |
|
|
Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7658 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
The ending didn't work for me though unfortunately, didn't buy that you can be decapitated when hung... you probably can though... |
I try not to comment on comments but... It's actually a historically accurate account. His weight was underestimated and he'd put on a few pounds while incarcerated. Fascinating and macabre story. And no, I didn't write this. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 9 - 25 |
|
|
Warren |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 10:25pm |
|
|
Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Hi Writer,
Quoted Text BLACK SCREEN The hammering of a Judge's gavel ---
|
I think it would look more professional if you just keep it to an em dash --, it also serves the purpose. Damn that took a turn. Struggled to find the theme in this one, but... Surprisingly, I very much enjoyed that. Great writing, great dialogue, just a well constructed script. Definitely a contender me thinks. Congrats. All the best. |
| |
|
Revision History (1 edits) |
Warren - July 8th, 2020, 6:07pm | | |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 10 - 25 |
|
|
stevie |
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 4:41am |
|
|
Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Ha! I know the story of Tom Ketchum pretty well and was laughing when I saw his name early. After reading this I realised that historical was actuary a pretty good genre as you could visit any event in history and add the variables to it - I had overlooked that when Blondie announced the genres.
A little side note - on the morning of his execution, Tom was keen to be free of this world, and he was hurrying to the gallows eagerly. Also part of the reason for the decapitation was that instead of rope, they used cord so it was a bungle waiting to happen. There is a photo on the Net of Tom's headless body under the drop with some dudes posing with it lol. Anthony, I'm surprised you didn't think the head coming off could happen - it happened to one of Saddam's sons, and was quite frequent after WW2 when minor Nazis were executed in huge numbers by inexperienced hangman.
Anyway a cool little story that the writer did well with |
|
|
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 11 - 25 |
|
|
JEStaats |
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 10:12am |
|
|
Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
A historical western! Let's see where this goes...Nicely done. I like that the actual hanging wasn't shown but described by the reporter instead. Very impactful and would show the horror of the crowd and their reactions.
Money was referred to during the interview but could have been a lot more of a focus? I think the gavel in the beginning would have been enough. Knocking the pin with the gavel seemed forced.
Nailed the historical aspect too. Good job, writer. One of my favorites. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 12 - 25 |
|
|
Reef Dreamer |
Posted: July 9th, 2020, 8:16am |
|
|
Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2612 Posts Per Day 0.56 |
I enjoyed that.
The ingredients all seem to well handed within this, nothing seemed forced.
I liked the transition from gavel to hammer, but it could be clearer.
Also, the opening, I think this could just have been filmed rather than VO, but both work.
Really tidy job
|
| My scripts HERE
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 13 - 25 |
|
|
Geezis |
Posted: July 9th, 2020, 8:48am |
|
|
January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Hi, history, western, true story. Love myself a bit of history and a real life tale too. Good imagery and not too gory, kudos for that considering the grim nature of the hanging. Dialogue seemed a bit forced in some places but otherwise a great piece. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
|
|
|
Reply: 14 - 25 |
|
|
PKCardinal |
Posted: July 9th, 2020, 12:48pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Nothing to add. Well done. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
|
|
|
Reply: 15 - 25 |
|
|
Nomad |
Posted: July 10th, 2020, 12:49pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts721 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Best script yet.
I do appreciate the effort for the historical accuracy. You painted a vivid picture but didn't go overboard with anything too grotesque.
Well done. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 16 - 25 |
|
|
JEStaats |
Posted: July 11th, 2020, 7:21pm |
|
|
Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
A little history and background on Tom Ketchum - He was one bad dude. He rode with the Hole in the Wall gang for a while, was suspect in multiple train, bank and post office robberies, and responsible for many killings. Arizona was trying to extradite him for murder but New Mexico wasn't going to let him go. They wanted to make an example of him for other train robbers to go elsewhere.
They screwed up the hanging on many fronts. They didn't account for his weight gain, they used the wrong drop distance and, when they tested the gallows the night before with a 200# sandbag, they let it hang all night. That stretched the rope further and took all the dynamic from the rope, making it static (like a cord - right on, Stevie).
Thanks all. On to the next challenge! |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 17 - 25 |
|
|
AnthonyCawood |
Posted: July 11th, 2020, 7:51pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4327 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
So it did actually decapitate him? |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 18 - 25 |
|
|
JEStaats |
Posted: July 11th, 2020, 8:04pm |
|
|
Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Google Tom Ketchum hanging images. The head is still in the bag so not too gruesome. They "immediately sewed it on for photos and a quick burial." |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 19 - 25 |
|
|
stevie |
Posted: July 11th, 2020, 8:10pm |
|
|
Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Nice, John! Over the years I’ve have this ghoulish fascination with executions for some reason. I’ve always looked upon them as dying twice? Because you’re dying but also dying in a structured sort of unnatural way if that makes sense.
It can be the stuff of nightmare on the Net now with all sorts of hangings and beheadjngs and shit. So I knew about old Tom awhile back. And also about the White Rose.
I need to get a life I think lol. |
|
|
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 20 - 25 |
|
|
spesh2k |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 6:54pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
I haven't gotten around to too many of the scripts, but this one was pretty awesome. Well written, meets the criteria and awesome dialogue, especially that voice over at the end -- I didn't even need to see what happened to him to be grossed out lol. That was pretty cool to go along with the image of just his face.
Great work!
-- Michael |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 21 - 25 |
|
|
JEStaats |
Posted: April 22nd, 2023, 12:35pm |
|
|
Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Not to steer anyone anywhere else but I just checked Script Revolution and Let er Rip was #1 most popular today Rockstar script on the site! Woo-hoo!!
Man, I wish someone would film it. What a hoot! |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 22 - 25 |
|
|
Grandma Bear |
Posted: April 22nd, 2023, 5:12pm |
|
|
Administrator
LocationThe Swamp... Posts7967 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Hey, that's cool! Curious how you find SR vs SS in regards to filmmakers actually making films from your scripts Also, do you get a lot of downloads? I wish there was a similar feature here. For me, I have more luck here to be contacted by filmmakers, but I get download notifications almost daily from SR. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 23 - 25 |
|
|
JEStaats |
Posted: April 22nd, 2023, 7:15pm |
|
|
Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Hey, that's cool! Curious how you find SR vs SS in regards to filmmakers actually making films from your scripts Also, do you get a lot of downloads? I wish there was a similar feature here. For me, I have more luck here to be contacted by filmmakers, but I get download notifications almost daily from SR. |
It's about 50/50 for contacts and options. More students on SS, I think. I still haven't had anything filmed but the recent option for 'Occurrence on Owl Street' (found on SS) seems very promising. I just finished a rewrite on that. I just noticed that SR has an option to bypass read requests to make them available to anyone, so I'm testing those waters now. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 24 - 25 |
|
|
LC |
Posted: April 22nd, 2023, 10:15pm |
|
|
Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7658 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
... I just noticed that SR has an option to bypass read requests to make them available to anyone, so I'm testing those waters now. |
I didn't know this! Thanks for the info. I'm going to switch to this option too. And John, congrats on your top ranked script. From memory it was a goodie! |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 25 - 25 |
|
Pages: 1, 2 : All |