Rest by Laila Turner - Drama - A grieving socialite holds a killer captive hoping it brings closure in her daughter's unsolved murder. 97 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hello. I have just started reading, and will comment as I go.

Right, first off, there is a lot of stuff in here which is not filmable - EG "Her magisterial husband IRA (70) is sitting with her. He's aloof, his eyes are vacant. He's a former investment banker with progressive dementia."

He is sitting still, how do you film that he's an aloof former investment banker with dementia? You do it through actions and dialogue, you don't just tell us these things. - As I have gone on, I have found the script is littered with this kind of stuff - Remember, this is a screenplay, not a novel - it is our job to write visually

"Bailiff announces JUDGE PRAILLOW as she enters from chambers" - This is redundant as the next dialogue is the Bailiff introducing the judge, you don't need to tell us in the action - you also need to put these things in order, you have written that the judge enters before the bailiff starts talking, I believe this should be the other way around.

"INT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE - COURTHOUSE - DAY" - This, I believe, is the wrong way around - you start with the big location (courthouse) then the small location within it (The office)

There are many spelling and grammatical mistakes that need sorting.

Character Mills begins talking without being introduced in an action block.

You use "- CONTINUOUS" but the scene goes from her curled in bed, to trimming plants in a conservatory

I got to page 9 and I'm out - The above errors make reading difficult, and the story is a bit slow for me, there is nothing driving me to carry on.

A thorough rewrite is needed to tidy up the action, get rid of the mistakes - that way the reader can focus on the story

Good luck