The Bird Feeder by James Shearer - Drama - Duped by the CIA into illegally visiting a forbidden island, a rogue British spook stumbles upon evidence U.S. authorities hoped would never be discovered. 102 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This was a slow read. The emphasis on military terms and procedures bogged things down and required me to pay attention. On the other hand, it gave the story a sense of legitimacy. You obviously know your way around military procedures and tactics. Either that or you did a huge amount of research.

I got a little lost in the beginning when Mr. Shaw stepped onto the prince’s breakfast. I realize that the purpose of the scene was to establish Jamie Shaw's character but I thought it should have played more in the story. There was barely a mention of the incident after that. I felt like there should have been more.

The explanations for the various acronyms were needed and improved the read enormously. Otherwise I would have been keeping a reference page open to look things up. That would have slowed the read even more. It also made reading your story educational for me.

The buildup in the story was well put together but yet the story seemed a little out of balance.  It just seemed a little long. Jamie and Half-Man-Half-Tomato don’t actually embark for the island until page 61. The adventure of getting to the island, discovering the secret, realizing their exit off the island is in doubt and getting off the island is roughly 20 pages.

I’d like to use Jurassic Park as an example. Imagine if in that film, the first 77 minutes was spent establishing the characters, talking about the island and what they expected to find there. This would be followed by being on the island for 24 minutes followed by a half-hour back in civilization discussing the surprises found on the island.

I realize that The Bird Feeder is quite different than Jurassic Park but you could see where you could lose an audience or a reader. While I enjoyed the story tremendously, I did find myself at times wondering when I would learn the secret that the rogue British Spook would find as described in the log line. That thought was followed with my thinking “That’s it?” when they got off the island only 20 pages later.

I also realize you didn’t want the possible plot hole of Jamie and Half Man fighting and defending themselves from the natives, and I appreciated their concern about spreading possible diseases. However, a plot hole opened when evidence of a missing airliner was discovered on the island. If their infection concerns were real, the natives should have been sick and dying already.

I loved the intertwining of the other plot lines involving Seamus and the IRA. There was plenty of action and intrigue to keep me interested. The overall story appeared well thought out.

The one plot hole I mentioned could be smoothed over somehow, or the infection concern could be not mentioned. There are several successful films that gloss over plot holes to push their story. Jurassic Park does that a lot. Why did they need to evacuate the island? Why weren’t the structures strong enough for the storm? How could they leave multi-million dollar animals that take many years to grow out in the elements to fend for themselves in a typhoon? That’s just the tip of the iceberg yet people enjoyed the story anyway.

One other thing worth mentioning: in addition to Major Shaw, all of the characters were deep and well created. They weren’t just names and faces to me.

Dear D.A.Banaszak

Firstly, thank you for reading my screenplay - and the detailed feedback. I will take onboard your comments.

Re military procedure, etc., yes, I grew up in a Royal Navy/Royal Marines family and later worked with the latter/SBS, during my chosen career. I knew the explanations in italics would annoy some readers, appease others. Furthermore, I utilised experiences or stories recalled by others, e.g. the standing in the breakfast tale was witnessed by my late father. Likewise, I can testify that the Bangladeshi restaurant, Bucket of Shit, is as described - so is the unique submarine recovery method. Half Man was an SF guy whose path I crossed.

You caught me out totally on the plot hole - I can think of a way of circumventing it but certainly don't want to gloss over the obstacle. It's real, and one of the main reasons the Indian government have introduced an exclusion zone around North Sentinel.

I wasn't sure about the morals of utilising flight MH370 and could have just as easily created an imaginary airline/scenario, e.g. Lion City Airways, in the same way I swopped the name of a certain real disgraced prince for the fictitious Prince Richard.

Here in the UK, we are governed by idiots. The SS Richard Montgomery dilemma does exist - though over the years successive governments have ignored the problem. I'm surprised more writers don't utilise the situation in their work. Likewise, actual terrorists.

Before addressing the issues you have raised, my goal this week will be to watch Jurassic Park - for the first time.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to both read my work and for sharing your thoughts.

J