Mangrove Dreams by Kelly Tippett - Drama, Horror, War, History - A Japanese soldier who survived one of the most brutal battles of World War Two, the Ramree Island Crocodile Massacre, returns home but must now win the battle with his inner demons to preserve his relationship with his son. 85 pages



Writer interested in feedback on this work

Kelly, I read the first twenty, just to get a feel for it and so far it's really good. I like the style you've evoked with the rural Japanese
landscape and culture.

The only thing I would suggest at this point is that you make Isamu older. Perhaps ten or eleven, rather than six. I think at that age the father and son bond would be more crucial and the child would have more of a sense of identity, independence, and understanding of moral values.

Thanks, I'll try and incorporate it, I see what you mean. Maybe 8 or 9?  Too old and the father would have already realized the problem. Why wouldn't he have already wanted to save his relationship? But too young and the kid is not able to relate.

Maybe make it their first trip and he's around 9, maybe a 10th birthday fishing trip.

As you know I haven't read too far into the script, so I'm not well versed on your timeline, when the child was born etc. Also, people can hold on to post traumatic stress for years without treatment. I just think you'd get more valuable interaction out of a child that's a bit older and a six year old is far more inclined to go along with arrangements, in this case, fishing, and wouldn't really care that much about insisting on fishing at the mangroves.

Having said this, it's easy to critique. This is your script, and you make the creative choices. If other people commented on the same thing then the general consensus would likely guide you to change his age perhaps.

I appreciate it. I'll still play around with it in my head. Thanks for taking the time.