Dead Deal :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

This was a slow read. I have a lot of comments. Some are good, some, not so much. I would like to focus on the problems first so that I could end this on a positive note.

Your two biggest issues are format and writing style. You may think you have some latitude on this but you don’t. Not following certain format rules will kill your script’s chances of being produced about as well as a robed figure.

You need a proper title page that includes your contact information. It’s supposed to be typed exclusively in Courier 12pt but things are changing and writers are getting a little creative. They are using different fonts and sizes for the title. Some are placing graphics. I have seen some nicely written scripts with full page graphics and movie posters. I would say that your title font and the inclusion of the note you placed underneath the title is fine (actually I liked it). Just be aware that it isn’t traditional. I would look at other scripts on this site for examples of layout. The title should be in the center of the page, (your slogan below that), and your name below that. Contact information should be justified to the left and near the bottom.

Your script needs to be in Courier 12pt. At a glance, I would guess that it’s Arial. Also, your scene headings are bold and in a larger font. Bold is something you can get away with. A lot of authors here do that. The larger font size screams amateur. Don’t do that.

You need page numbers. For the purposes of this post, any page numbers I mention will refer to the PDF page numbers.

I’m not sure what software package you typed this with but I would guess it was a word processor. You really need to get a software package that is specific to writing screenplays. There are packages that re low-cost and some that are free. It will make life way easier for you and will take care of the format problems I have mentioned so far. I believe you can import what you wrote into and with some formatting work, you won't have to type every word over again.

As for writing style, your biggest problem is with verb format. You need to write with active verbs, not passive ones. In other words, don’t use verbs that end in “ing” except in a few specific circumstances.

For example, on page 8, Nick is sitting at his desk, absorbed in his work. That should read:  Nick sits at his desk absorbed in his work. He looks tired and disheveled as if it’s the end of the day and it’s only 11:30AM. The “ing” in “standing workstation” is obviously allowed since it’s part of a noun. Actually, I'm not sure if I like the long sentence I wrote but I think you get the idea.

The next biggest issue is that this is a spec script unless you intend to produce this yourself. In that case, you don’t need my advice since it’s intended to help you get this produced. That said, you need to keep the camera direction to a minimum. That’s for shooting scripts. Camera direction is for the director. They get paid a lot more that the writer. Make them earn it. At the very least, give them something to do. I know what you are going through in that you have your story visually played out in your mind’s eye and that you want it to be filmed that way. I've been there myself and I've got the proverbial tee shirt. There are creative ways to guide the director to your point of view without telling her or him outright.

In a spec script you want to creatively tell the story and describe the action. Let the director decide how to show it. Personally, I avoid the words “we see”. I just write what we see as action without the words, “we see”.

Also, I like to keep the mindset when I write that I am giving suggestions on how to create my film rather than write as though I just watched it and I am describing what I saw. I know the difference is subtle but the result is something that reads faster. That is important in that if a story takes too long to read or becomes too much work to follow, a reader moves on to the next script.

You are allowed a little creativity in your scene headings but only a little. You should stick to INT/EXT LOCATION – DAY/NIGHT. Use the immediate action text to add the color that you are trying to put in the heading.

I would like to use the top of page 11 as an example. We introduce Jennifer and her kitchen to the story. I would write it a little differently:

INT APPARTMENT – DAY

JENNIFER (30s), an attractive brunette, sits on an island in her kitchen. On the refrigerator, a magnet secures the same picture of Nick and herself that rests on his bedside table.

This leads us to a phone call and another format problem. You start off okay except that (O.S.) needs to be on the same line as NICK and not below.

In Nick’s next piece of dialog, the (O.S. ) is missing. I will consider that to be a typo since you seem to have a handle on the format. You next define Nick’s location with a proper scene heading when he speaks. The problem is that you need a slug line INTERCUT PHONE CALL to tell us that we are jumping back and forth between locations with the conversation. When you want a part of the conversation to not jump and have a part of the dialog be coming from the phone, use (O.S.) to let us know we didn’t leave the location that time.

“We notice” or “We remember” are as bad if not worse than “we see”.  It’s enough to mention characters or objects and let us remember.

On page 12 you have an interruption in dialog. How you wrote it isn’t outright wrong, it’s just not quite how I would do it. I would end Nick's dialog with an emdash (aka a double dash). For example:

   NICK
Who texted you? That’s not --

   JENNIFER
Confirming that I knew this was a pipe dream.

It just reads a little faster and takes up less space (albeit only a line).

There are a number of typos throughout. Most of them are sentences that start without capital letters and missing punctuation. Some are cases of misspelled or missing words like:
On the top of page 20, Nick grabs and rubs his ear with the palm of his head.
In the middle of page 26, Eileen is silent and is her lunch.

One last thing is that on page 21, the scene heading is INT  LOBBY – DAY (more or less) and then the first action text is, “We are in the main lobby.” I think the redundancy is accidental but worth mentioning.

There are a few other picky things but I think what I have mentioned will help you. I really want to move on to what I liked.

To start with, this is an awesome story. With the right formatting and presentation, I could see this being produced. I don’t see a lot of big-budget effects called for and only a few, simple sets without need for construction.

I normally don’t like commentary in scripts but you are pretty good at it. I would recommend that you be you.

Some of my favorite lines are:  Page 32 “She looks like salmon swimming against the current.”  And on page 70, you describe Nick as, “covered in blood as though he ran through a blood car wash.”  I cringed and smiled with the creativity in that one although it needs to be cleaned up per my comments above. I would shorten it to, “…looks as though he ran through a blood car wash.” It reads faster yet gives the reader the same image in their head.

I’m not sure I liked the ending and it seemed a little bit of a stretch. I didn’t quite understand it and some of the things seemed unnecessary. I don’t see why Mrs. Salas had to die in the story.

Also, the collection of phones seemed a bit of a reach. I understand why you did it but it needs to be made more like it is a standard practice at that company that's been done often and everyone is used to it. Either that, have the cult wipe out service through acts of cell tower or other infrastructure sabotage. Just something to consider.

I think these minor story problems can be ironed out. They are definitely not fatal to the story.

What I liked was the original premise of the story. The violent nature of slasher horror stories is not my cup of tea. However,  for those  that do like bloody gore, they will get their money’s worth.

I really want to see a re-write of this. With a few edit cycles, this may end up in a theater near me.