Last Day by Ariel Y (Bort) writing as Wayne Sax - Short, Thriller - A man is discharged from the hospital on the last day of his recovery.
  - pdf format

Twenty-Two - S2E17
Stopover in a Quiet Town - S5E30


Writer interested in feedback on this work
r>

Can see both of the noted episodes within this tale, nice.

The story itself reads well, though I did skim a little due to the (intentional) repetition.

The only suggestion I'd have is that his reactions, especially the first time, seemed a little off, would have expected a more gradual realisation that things were wrong.

But I liked this one.

Hi writer,

Waterboarding, or simulated drowning sounds like a nightmare in itself, but a simulation of repeating shit over and over till you lose your cookies for good…? Well, that’s just dandy.

The constant pain in Crawley’s temple region, I guess, is a detailed analysis that the torture device is not quite ready for prime time, being it fried his brain? Just my take, because there should be consistent looping without brain damage to inflict the most pain, mental anguish that is.

I see this was a fusion of two separate episodes? One: being stuck in a bad dream, and two: being surrounded by things that are not real, or in this case illusory, but the mind creates reality based on electrical impulses, here created by the scientists. The nightmare comes, I guess, when the subject (Mr. Crawley) awakens within the lucid dream-work and realizes he has no control over the stimulus or environment, which is quite the opposite of lucid dream-work, wherein the dreamer is the architect and player…

This world, however, having the recipient believe they are truly insane, and in the right place for the remedy… is a true mind-hack the likes of perpetual claustrophobia. Dark and twisted, well done.

Nice, a hybrid! I liked this one a lot, though I thought the repetitious scenes could be trimmed down instead of having the same description pretty much there each time.

Overall, it's well written, though there's some run-on sentences here and there, but that can easily be fixed with a quick polish.

Nice work!

-- Michael

They call it a torture device, but they all know it is an execution chamber.  It just differs on the length of time it takes the person to die.  I liked it.

Writer, good to see you get creative with this one, which I thought was generally well-written, you should try not to repeat the same descriptions...if anything, try and prune it a bit. Nice visuals and presentations for a short.  Good job.

Ghost

Hello writer

This was good - Don't think anything would scare me more than being trapped in a loop on my own with no way out.

I don't know these episodes, so maybe I would benefit from knowing them? As I'm not sure what the purpose is,

"Ol’ bastard thought he was going to
come out on top"

This through me. Did Herb know he was going into a torture chamber and thought he could beat it?. Doesn't take much away as the story itself I enjoyed.

I would cut back on the repetition description, was a bit over the top, we got the idea.

Best of luck with it.

SPOILER

Time Loop!

This was good. I wasn't a fan of your dialogues, but overall I liked the idea, especially the climax. That was a great twist.

Good job, writer.

Reading the outline for Twenty-Two, this surely has to be the inspiration for Final Destination?

Anyway, onto the script. Nothing wrong with it and it read fine. Time loops and virtual torture has been covered extensively though, in Black Mirror for example (which of course is inspired from the Twilight Zone) and I didn't see any new spin here.

Enjoyable though.

-Mark

Good little story here,

Writing was good.

I figured he would eventually go insane from all the resets, but I like the way this turned out.

I'm interested in knowing more about those scientists and the place they are in. I'm assuming Herb worked there as well?

Good job.

Congrats on completing the challenge.

Nice use of the “time loop” method. Kinda of interested in seeing how this would be utilized to getting information out but, simple torture I guess will suffice.

No complaints from me
Gabe

Nicely done. The man in the pod with the doctor's sly comments at the end was spot on for a TZ ending. It seemed like it was following the path of '22' too close until you switched it all up with your ending.

No issues with the writing that a quick revision wouldn't take care of. Good job!

2 inspirations, now we’re talking. Stopover is a great episode. Not as familiar with 22.

Nitpick alerts
-     no one in their 30s is named “Herb Crawley.” Someone in the 1930s maybe.
-     Ton of orphan lines already tell me this could have been cleaned up a bit.

Not sure you need to rewrite every detail. I think you could easily just say “we retrace all the same steps as the previous scene.” I admit that I could be wrong there though. That’s probably frowned upon. I’m lazy so I’d probably figure out a way to shorten everything.

I like that it progressed slightly since the last scene, but I’m already skimming b/c I don’t wanna read the same steps again. I’m mentally fast forwarding.

Ok, good modern twist with the toys to VR stuff, but that ending wasn’t satisfying. I don’t think I learned enough from the context of the scientist’s conversation. That was torture? He signed up for it? Was it some kind of game? I’m confused. Also ended pretty abruptly. This kinda feels like a Thursday nighter.

I think is you steamlined the repetition you could have added an additional 4th step. Some more panic and a finish line in the distance type goal for Herb to reach before the VR reveal.

I woulda gave every character a little more… character also. Tough to do in such a short time, and the Nurse was understandably robotic, but I think there was still room to give them all a bit more character.

Not bad though.

This was great. I got a Groundhog Day vibe from this, if said movie had been done TZ style.

The former episode was videotaped, and the latter is one of two episodes referenced in the Rush song, "The Twilight Zone." (Not to be confused with the Golden Earring hit.)

Tranquil Pines reminds me of the TV show Wayward Pines.

Quoted Text The elevator doors open, eyes shut as he steps out of the elevator he...

Written a bit awkwardly. Run-on sentence?

Turn off "More" and "Continued."

Quoted Text INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS The hospital corridor is [Q]uiet, empty, and a few lights are turned off.

Redundant. Try not to repeat the slug in the action line.

*Spoiler*

I didn't see that twist coming. Not quite sure why they the scientists were experimenting on him.

Overall, impressive. I was afraid you were going to run out of time and whimper out. Should be simple enough to film, but maybe not quite low budget.

I liked it.

Twenty-Two, definitely the inspiration for Final Destination... Wow, never saw it, never realised, this Ep, I mean. Stopover, I did enjoy. Very creepy.

Which leads to Last Day, which is very creepy too.
You managed to escalate the tension nicely with this tale.
I even thought you knew the difference between lie and lay. Don't mind me...

The ending, though pretty good via the reveal (bit of a Source Code flashback for me) was just a bit anti-climactic.

Torture devices are used normally to extract information or confessions, also for punishment I suppose...

I don't know...A bit more of a satisfying motive was needed imho, apart from idle experimentation.

That said, nice building of suspense and intrigue.

This is my favorite sub.

Clear writing. This writer has a really good sense of pacing and flow. This is one of the few submissions that felt like an actual TZ episode to me. The names, setting, and dialogue all make this piece feel eerily timeless and unsettling. This could have ended with some ham-fisted OTN conversation, but there is genuine mystery and intrigue in the ending that made me feel like I was watching a TZ episode.

Masterful work here, thank you for entering.

Nice work, Bort, this was, I believe, tied for my 2nd favorite entry of the OWC.

-- Michael

Thank you all for reading and commenting! It was great to get your feedback as improving my writing is my main goal for entering the OWC.

Good to know my use of repetition in the action lines was a bit overkill as my concern was that the repeat events weren't going to read clear so there was overcompensation on my part. Definitely could use with some pruning.

Quoted Text Did Herb know he was going into a torture chamber and thought he could beat it?

Quoted Text I'm interested in knowing more about those scientists and the place they are in. I'm assuming Herb worked there as well?

Yes, this was what I was hinting at. Herb thought he could beat this machine in testing. I can see this was too subtle and my ending was a bit rushed. There was a bet placed that the audience does not see and Herb thought he could win. He doesn't, loses his life and lunch for the Scientists is on him.

Quoted Text Reading the outline for Twenty-Two, this surely has to be the inspiration for Final Destination? Anyway, onto the script. Nothing wrong with it and it read fine. Time loops and virtual torture has been covered extensively though, in Black Mirror for example (which of course is inspired from the Twilight Zone) and I didn't see any new spin here.

Twenty-two is the inspiration for Final Destination! Re: the Black Mirror bit -- I was afraid this was going to happen with this script. Whenever you try to modernize a TZ rewrite/inspired ep with technology, I think it automatically becomes a Black Mirror episode. Alas, I couldn't think of a way around it and to that I say... ¯\_(' v ')_/¯  Blame it on me spending 4 days watching original TZ episodes and only 1 day on the writing, haha.

To address the comments about this being a time loop:
Funny how that was the majority of how my script was read as that's not what I initially thought of when I wrote it. I think Gum got it the most right with their comment.

Quoted Text The constant pain in Crawley’s temple region, I guess, is a detailed analysis that the torture device is not quite ready for prime time, being it fried his brain? Just my take, because there should be consistent looping without brain damage to inflict the most pain, mental anguish that is. I see this was a fusion of two separate episodes? One: being stuck in a bad dream, and two: being surrounded by things that are not real, or in this case illusory, but the mind creates reality based on electrical impulses, here created by the scientists. This world, however, having the recipient believe they are truly insane, and in the right place for the remedy… is a true mind-hack the likes of perpetual claustrophobia.

Killing the user was not the end goal. Virtual waterboarding was the purpose for this device, hence the looping event set in a mental hospital on the day of someone's discharge. As the whole event is revealed to be part of a larger virtual reality, the Nurse in my story is a Program much like an algorithm, destined to repeat the same shit over and over again. Entering this device sound of mind, exiting questioning their sanity by way of looping the same event. Without being the writer I suppose that would be read as a "time loop". I was thinking more of a digital program looping a virtual reality. Death was a byproduct of version testing.

Glad the reveal was generally well received, but the ending and the script will do well with a polish.

Thanks again for all your feedback! I look forward to entering the next OWC!